AT the age of nineteen I was living, without God, in a village in Somersetshire, and was trying to make myself happy with the pleasures of sin, not those sins that are universally condemned, but rather those that are generally thought harmless, when I was suddenly brought by fever near the point of death. As those long (and I thought them very long) days and nights of wretched suspense passed on, not knowing which way the balances would turn, I often thought how could I enter heaven and stand in the presence of God. I had no one to ask me if I were saved, and I did not think it would be any use to ask even my much loved mother how I could get my sins forgiven, as up to that time I had not heard her say anything about people having their sins forgiven before they died, nor had I ever been spoken to about my soul. But my grandmother had told me, when a child, that I must be good if I wanted to go to heaven, and the parish clergyman once asked me if I said my prayers. I was able to say yes; for sometimes I did kneel down and say the Lord’s Prayer. I had heard of people going to heaven, and I believed there was such a place as hell, because I had read of it in the Bible. This made me very unhappy when I thought of dying, causing me to reflect much on my past life, and to make many resolutions as to the future, if I should be spared. My chief sorrow, was that I had not taken the sacrament, for It thought if I had only done that, I might hope to go to heaven.
Through sovereign mercy I was restored, and my resolutions followed me at every step. It was no small trial to me, a young man of nineteen, to go with only a few old women to the communion rail to receive the bread and wine. The prayer used at the time of receiving it made me very uncomfortable, as I knew my heart did not answer to what I was saying to God, when I told Him that “the remembrance of my sins was grievous and the burden intolerable,” so that I was glad when it was over. My only relief was in being able to say that I had kept my promise, though keeping it had given me a guilty conscience, as it obliged me to say what was untrue. To escape this I sought to produce feelings suitable to the prayer, and I also began to pray night and morning from a book, but I found that these prayers did not, in many ways, express the real desires of my heart, so I thought I would say a few words to God without the book, and never shall I forget those solemn moments when first I ventured, in my room at night, to speak direct to God. Still I found I could not truthfully tell Him that my burden was intolerable, though I longed to feel it to be so, that I might not only be able to pray with truthfulness of heart on sacrament Sundays, but to know, by those feelings, that I had truly repented.
My inmost cry was, What can I do to repent? Some said, be sorry for your sins and forsake them, but I found I could do neither the one nor the other, and in this state I went on till a Christian, who went to a chapel, asked me to accompany him. Here I was almost immediately said to be converted, and was set to teach in the Sunday school. I was also asked to pray publicly, which was a great trial, though I managed to say a few words when my name was called. With all this the repentance I wanted did not come, nor had I peace with God, though I read much, especially Christian biographies. I visited the sick and aged, and read to them, but with all these so called “good works,” I did not know my sins forgiven, nor could I attain to those feelings of happy confidence so often spoken of by others, and I wished that God would speak to me in a dream, and tell me my sins were gone.
Just at this period in my history I heard that a gentleman was going to preach in the open air in the village where I lived, so being anxious to hear if he had anything new for me, I went. I listened attentively, and thought he seemed truly in earnest, but could not exactly understand what he was trying to press so warmly on the minds of his hearers. I lingered till after he had concluded, when, to my astonishment, he came up and asked me if I was saved. I told him I was not, but that I wished to be, whereupon he said he would give me a text of Scripture to think of. It was 1 John 1:77But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin. (1 John 1:7), and he repeated this part of the verse, “The blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanseth us from all sin.” I went home to think it over. The preacher also said that we must not attempt to tack on any works of our own to the perfect, finished work of Christ—not even sorrow or tears, nor expect to find in ourselves any change until we believed what God says in His word about the blood of Christ, that it cleanseth us from all sin. He added that as soon as we put our seal to this, whether we have happy feelings or not, we know we are whiter than snow, for we have the assurance of it on the authority of God’s word, through the death of our Lord Jesus Christ.
I then heard that this gentleman was going to preach in his own house, and at the appointed hour I went to hear those blessed truths I had so long been seeking.
Again I went home to search for myself if these things were so, and as I went over the Scriptures, the Holy Spirit of God showed me that I had been putting difficulties when God had made everything simple and plain and that believing His word I had all for which I had been so long seeking, and far more, for that I was saved, and had everlasting life, and should not come into condemnation, but was already passed from death unto life. This set me free and made me happy, so that I could now praise the Lord in whom I had redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace. I very soon found an opportunity of meeting my friend, and never shall I forget his glad expression nor his hearty clasp of my hand when I told him I knew I was saved. He has since entered into his rest, but the love begun on earth will continue through eternity.
Do you see the mistakes I had been making, dear reader? First, I had been putting ordinances in the place of Christ, and secondly, experiences. Now, neither of these will do instead of faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, though both may come after it. The prayers and alms of Cornelius did not give him salvation, and Peter was sent to tell him words by which he should be saved. He heard, he believed in the Lord Jesus, and he could then magnify God. Beware of what the world calls good works, for God says, “Who can bring a clean thing out of an unclean?” How solemn for one born in sin, and living afar from God, to think to bring forth anything fit for His holy eye. One only ever trod this earth of whom it could be said, “He went about doing good;” of others God’s verdict is, “there is none that doeth good.” This perfect One ended His life of doing good by suffering, the Just for the unjust; and having endured in His own Person on the cross all that a righteous God can demand from sinners, He invites those for whom He died to be “justified freely by His grace.” What patience does God display to those who go on as I did, seeking to work out a righteousness of their own, instead of believing “the record that God has given of His Son.” May this short account help some precious souls, by leading them to Christ and His Word.
P. F. J.