IN my early childhood the words, “Thou God seest me,” were strongly impressed upon my mind. This led me to dread doing wrong things, though I have to confess to much that was evil. When older, the desire to live a holy life increased, and at the age of twelve years I made a public profession of religion.
A few years afterward, amongst other things, I was taught to believe in fasting as a means to grace, and I have fasted to such a degree, that I have had scarcely strength to walk about. This brought upon me much ridicule from others. Frequently did I rise at five in the morning, in order to get forward with my duties, so that I might attend early religious service, and I also did all I could to help the poor and needy. In this way I continued for many years, endeavoring by good works to gain salvation.
I had hoped that by the help of religious ordinances, and by fasting, praying, and doing good works, all would be well should I be called to depart this life; but instead of finding peace by my efforts, despair seized me, for I found that all my righteousnesses were as filthy rags. I cannot describe my feelings―I seemed to see myself utterly cast off from God’s presence, and this almost broke my heart. For three weeks it seemed as if my reason must go. I dared not sleep, lest I should never wake again save among the lost. I was so worn out from having no rest, and from the terror which took hold upon me, that I could scarcely go about my daily duties, but “God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform.” He was showing me what a sinner I was, and He was doing this in order that He might prepare my heart to find Him as my Saviour God.
On going to my room one night, fearfully cast down, God caused His word, like a flash of lightning, to shine into my dark heart, “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved.” (Acts 16:3131And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house. (Acts 16:31).) Thereupon I saw Jesus as my Saviour, and I was enabled to receive the gift, which God in His great love offers to all. From my heart I could say―
“Just as I am, without one plea,
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bidd’st me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come.”
Then I knew the Lord Jesus as “the Lamb of God which taketh away the sin of the world,” and it was my loving delight to think of Him who Himself bore my sins in His own body on the tree. My joy now far exceeded the anguish and sorrow I had passed through— God had turned me indeed from darkness into light. Some of my friends thought a new delusion had overtaken me, but the love of Christ to me was a blessed reality, and is so still.
All this time, great as was the joy God gave me, I was still seeking to become righteous by keeping the law, until one night, when reading my Bible, this verse spoke to me, “Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone that believeth.” (Rom. 10:44For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to every one that believeth. (Romans 10:4).) The Holy Spirit brought home the word with such power, that I saw for the first time that in Christ alone was my righteousness. “But of Him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption: that, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord.” (1 Cor. 1:30, 3130But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption: 31That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord. (1 Corinthians 1:30‑31).)
What a precious Saviour I had found! He had not only pardoned my sins through His blood, but He is my life and my all― “Jesus only.” He had loved me and given Himself for me―He is my Lord, my life, and my all. He had been leading His poor sheep all the while it seemed that there was no hope, and His purpose was to bless with a fuller knowledge of Himself. “I have declared unto them Thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith Thou hast loved Me may be in them, and I in them.” (John 17:2626And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them, and I in them. (John 17:26).) Had anyone told me four years previously that I should have given up all my old thoughts of becoming good by works, and have had peace and joy ministered by God the Spirit, it would have seemed a fable.
And now, dear reader, how is it with you? “Ye must be born again.” Jesus says, “I am the door: by Me if any man enter in he shall be saved.” “Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth My word, and believeth on Him that sent Me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life.” (John 5:2424Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life. (John 5:24).)
E. J.