The school to which little John was sent when he was eleven years old, was called the Charter-house. To go to London from Epworth was a very long journey in those days: it is rather more than 220 miles. There were no railroads then, and people traveled either on horseback, or sometimes in stage-coaches. An old description of England in the year 1723 tells us, that some of these coaches traveled with so much speed as to go sixty miles in a summer day. It would have taken, therefore, about four days to go to London from Epworth in a coach, and as it was a very expensive way of traveling, I think it more likely that little John went with his father on horseback. They had two horses, called Bounce and Mettle. They would have had to sleep several nights on the road, and boys who went to school such a long way off, could not expect to come home three times a year for the holidays as they do now; in fact they did not go home at all when the distance was so great, and were often four or five years away from home, without seeing their relations. It was therefore a very sad day for poor little John, when he said good-bye to his mother and sisters. The next sister, younger than himself, little Patty, was very fond of him. When she was ill, the very sight of Jacky had always seemed to do her good, and she missed him very much. His mother must have felt very sad when Thursday evening came and there was no Jacky to talk to, and he said long, long after, how he had thought about those Thursday evenings, and wanted his mother to talk to him. The Charter-house was once a Convent, belonging to Carthusian monks, but had been turned partly into a school for forty boys, and partly into a home for eighty poor old gentlemen. There was a green belonging to the house, and a large garden, called the Wilderness. Mr. Wesley made John promise, that he would never miss running round the Wilderness three times every day. John kept his promise, and often said he believed that his doing so had been the means of keeping him in good health, for he was well and strong all his life. He was at first teased and bullied by the bigger boys, who used to take away his meat at dinner and eat it themselves; but I can tell you little else of what happened to him at school. He worked hard at his lessons, and seems to have been tolerably happy. When he had any holidays, he went to stay with his elder brother, Samuel, whom, perhaps, he had not seen before, as far as he could remember, for Samuel had been sent to Westminster School when John was only a few months old. He was living at Westminster School when John was at the Charter-house, having become one of the ushers.
At last John’s school-days were over, and at the age of seventeen he was sent to Christ Church College at Oxford.
Before he left London, his little brother Charles had been sent to Westminster School, so that now only the sisters were left at Epworth. Whilst John was a schoolboy, he had perhaps thought little about anything but his play and his lessons, but now that he was no longer a child, several things began to trouble him. It may be that the same things have begun to trouble you. The thought of God made him afraid and unhappy.
John Wesley was not like some people, of a sad and gloomy disposition, on the contrary, he was like most strong healthy boys, of a cheerful temper and fond of fun. He said, when he was an old man, that he could not remember ever having been in low spirits for a quarter of an hour together, in the whole course of his life; and yet at the time I am telling you of he was not happy. There is a great difference between high spirits and happiness: that is to say, high spirits depend upon our health, and upon the things around us, and are by no means a sign that we have peace in our hearts, or that we know all is well with us. Happiness does not depend upon what we are, or have, but upon what we know God to be, and therefore if all changes with us, if we lose our health, or our friends, that which makes us truly happy does not change, for our happiness is in God. The Bible says, “Happy is that people that is in such a case, yea, happy is that people, whose God is the Lord.” Wesley felt that he was not at peace with God, and that he was an unforgiven sinner. The thought of death was terrible to him, and the thought of God was terrible too, for God was to him only the great Judge, who would one day call him to account for all the wrong things he had thought, said, or done.
He found no one at Oxford to help or comfort him, and it filled him with surprise and horror, to find that the young men who were there being prepared for the ministry of the Gospel, were living in open sin, were many of them blasphemers of God, and not afraid to speak of the Bible as a fable.
Though John had not been taught the gospel, he had been carefully shown the difference between right and wrong in practice. He was grieved and shocked at what he saw around him, and when he looked at himself he was grieved and shocked too, and knew not what was to be done to make himself or others any better. He wrote to tell his mother about all this. She was pleased to find that John had begun to care about his soul. But how could she tell him where to find peace, when she had not yet found it herself? She was still “trying her best,” as people say, to gain peace by her doings, and so she wrote to John “in good earnest, resolve to make religion the business of your life, for after all, that is the one thing that, strictly speaking, is necessary.”
John would only learn from this that he might, perhaps, get peace and salvation by religion. He had yet to learn that religion is not Christ. His father also encouraged him to read a book which he had begun, but which he did not quite like. It was called “The Imitation of Jesus Christ; by Thomas à Kempis.” It is a book still read by so many people, and thought by them so useful and instructive, that it is worthwhile to tell you something about it. It was written in Germany, about the year 1400, by a monk, at the Convent of St. Agnes, near Twoll. It is divided into four parts. The first three parts tell us how we are to make ourselves pleasing to God by our doings, that is to say, by imitating the doings of the Lord Jesus. By this means we are to hope at last to get to heaven. The fourth part tells us that the bread and wine in the Lord’s Supper, are really the body and blood of Christ, and directs us how to adore and reverence them for that reason. The poor monk who wrote the book had been taught these things, and believed as he was taught.
Sad to say, many hundreds of people who have Bibles to read, have never yet found out that this book is entirely contrary to the gospel of God. The book tells us we are to make ourselves pleasing to God by our doings; the gospel tells us we are made pleasing to God by the precious blood of Christ; that is to say, not by what we do for Him, but by what He has done for us. The book tells us that we are to do as Christ did; the Bible tells us God would have us be as Christ is, and then we shall in consequence act as He acted. It is true that St. Paul said, “Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ.” But I wish you to see the difference, between following the example of a person, which is what is meant by these words, and merely imitating him. The difference is a very great one. To follow the example of a man, we must feel like him. It is the same difference as between a child following the example of his father, and a beast imitating a man. You know that there are beasts which can be taught to imitate the actions of men, but the beast never can be made to do the action for the same reason that the man does it, because the mind and nature of a beast are different from those of a man.
Now, as you know, God looks at the heart, not only at the outward action; He looks to see not only what we do, but what motive led us to do it, and therefore to be a follower of Christ as God sees it, I must have the mind and nature of Christ, I must do the thing for the same reason that Christ did, I must like and dislike things as Christ liked and disliked them, and if you think of this for a moment you will see how impossible it is to make ourselves pleasing to God. We like, by nature, the things which God hates. “That which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God.”
Now whilst it is possible for you to alter your outward actions, you will find it is utterly impossible to alter your likings, even in the very smallest matter. You say, for example, you like one color better than another. Could you change your likings even in such a trifle as that? Much less could you change your thoughts about God, whom by nature you do not love at all. It was this which Jesus showed to the young man who came to Him and told Him how good his conduct had always been.
Jesus did not contradict him in that, but He at once put before him another matter. What were his likings? “Which will you have?” He meant to say, “Which do you like best, Me, or your money?” Poor young man! he could not change his likings, and therefore he kept his money, and left Jesus.
If, therefore, we read a book which tells those whose nature is contrary to God, that they must imitate Christ, let us remember that it is only like painting over a piece of rotten wood. Poor Thomas à Kempis has scarcely word to say about the work of Christ for us, nor of the new nature He gives to those who believe, nor of the mighty power that works in us, for he knew but the faintest glimmer of these things; and, therefore, whilst he describes all the things that we should do to imitate Christ, he could not explain how the heart is to be changed, nor how we can ever know that we are saved and forgiven. He says, “The more any man dieth to himself, so much the more doth he begin to live unto God.” The Bible says that Christians are to reckon themselves dead, because they are alive to God. Till I have the new life, the life that is in Christ, I have no power whatever over my own nature. “They that are in the flesh cannot please God.” What solemn words! And what a name has God given to all these attempts to please Him, which are not made because we have life, but in order to get it. He calls them our “filthy rags!”
We have not to bring righteousness to God that He may be satisfied with it, but to receive righteousness from Him, and to own that what He is satisfied with is the perfect work of Christ, by which we are not only cleansed from sin, but by which also we become new creatures, alive with the life of Christ, having the mind of Christ, filled with the Spirit of Christ. The other books which John read were no more likely to help him, than was the book of Thomas à Kempis. It would have been a blessing to him, had he never had any book but the Bible, from which to learn about God. As it was, he read his books of man’s thoughts, and he became more and more unhappy. He wrote to his mother that, after all his endeavors, he only felt more and more how he disliked holiness, and how impossible it was for him to do all the things which Thomas à Kempis said he ought to do. He entreated his mother to spend the Thursday evenings in praying for him, as she used to spend them in talking to him.