IN relating my conversion, you must know, dear reader, in the first place, that I always felt interested in religious matters, and even when a mere child used to listen intently to sermons, and can well remember many things which I then heard.
One night, when about twelve years of age, I asked an old lady, with whom I was staying, how people got to heaven. She replied that when I was older I should understand. “But,” said I, “suppose I die whilst I am a little girl, what must I do?” To this I received no answer. I wondered what would happen to me, for that was all I could do.
When about fifteen years of age I went to live with some relatives who did not believe that we are saved by Jesus and His blood. They did not believe Jesus to be the eternal Son of God. Their ideas at first shocked me, but my friends were kind-hearted and excellent-living people, and gradually I got to think as they did, and for awhile was satisfied, or thought I was. However, an uncle of mine, a sincere Christian, was grieved that I should receive such views, and, to show me the truth, he would write me long letters, enclosing lists of texts proving Jesus to be the Son of God. I used to reply by sending equally long letters, with texts which prove Jesus to be the Son of Man. This was easily done, for our Lord is both Son of God and Son of man. From everlasting He was Son of God, and since some eighteen hundred years ago, when He came to this earth, He became Son of Man. This correspondence went on for some time, when my uncle lent me two books, and I read them both, and looked out all the texts again, and saw so clearly that atonement is the doctrine of the Bible, that I never again entered any religious assembly where the evil doctrine I had listened to was taught.
I then wandered from one place of worship to another, truly like a sheep without a shepherd. Very miserable was I at times, while at others I was happy enough, for I was pleasantly situated as regards this world, and, though I was not happy in my heart, still I did not wish to be a Christian. Hence, very often, after hearing earnest men of God preach, I would try and freeze over, and so I resisted the strivings of the Holy Spirit.
The turning-point with me came through my Christian uncle and aunt inviting me to their house. One Sunday―I can remember it as though it were yesterday―my uncle was too unwell to leave his room, and before I went to the service he asked me why I did not decide for Christ. My reply was, I wanted to do so, but did not know how, adding I did not wish to decide at once, for the world was pleasing to me, and I was afraid that my friends would ridicule me.
Well, I went to the church, and heard a sermon, the effect of which in me, thank God, will last through all eternity. The text was this: “If thou let this man go, thou art not Caesar’s friend.” The preacher showed that we all have our “Caesars,” and that we are ready for their sake to reject Christ.
All my props were knocked down. I had been trying to persuade myself that if I did nothing specially wrong, God would forgive me in His mercy for the rest of my faults; but now I saw that by the works of the law no one can be justified before God, and that I stood a ruined, undone sinner before Him; how wretched I felt I cannot describe.
I knew my dear uncle would ask me, on my return, how I liked the sermon, and could I say I liked that which had made me so wretched? I said it was a good sermon, and thus escaped further question. When the night carne on, I felt I should be alone with God, and dreaded lest He should take my life and send my soul to perdition.
A few days after, when I was at a prayer-meeting, a verse of a hymn was read which I shall never forget―
“There shall come a night of such wild affright
As that none besides shall know,
When the dead shall wake, and hearts shall quake
In the depths of deepest woe.”
“Yes,” thought I, “that is, how it will be with me, for I am lost.” Goth however, was answering my uncle’s prayer.
The following Sunday we were all at church, and my uncle, who knew a little of the state of my mind, induced me to remain for private conversation with the preacher. I had made up my mind, previous to coming to the service, that when the minister pleaded with unbelievers, I would tell God I believed and remain unbelieving no longer, and this I did, but without realizing any peace. Presently the minister came down the aisle, and I half wanted to run away, but wished still more, thank God, to stay. The good man of God addressed me by saying, with a kindly smile, “You want to be a Christian, do you not?”
“Yes,” I said, “I do.”
“I suppose you want to feel you are one?”
I again answered, “Yes,” thinking as I spoke, “And how can I be one without feeling it?”
“Well,” said he, “you must take a thing before you have it; you must believe before you can realize.” He then showed me these words, “Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us.” (Gal. 3:1313Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us: for it is written, Cursed is every one that hangeth on a tree: (Galatians 3:13).)
“There,” said he, “you see it is all done; now you only need faith to believe. I will teach you what faith is,” he added, and putting his hand into his pocket, said, “I have a pencil in my hand; do you believe it?”
“Yes,” was my reply.
“But you have not seen it, why believe?” “Because you say so.”
“Ah, my dear child, this is how you must treat God―just take Him at His word, because He says so, not minding if yet understand or not; just leave that to Him who will make all things clear in His own good time.”
I thought a little, and then looked up, and said, “Then I will take it just as it is.” I said no more, but he understood, and God knew my heart, and so did my dear uncle, by whose side I sat, as silently he was thanking God for His mercy to me.
This is how I was converted, dear friends, and let me add that my darling brother, whom I had dreaded to tell of God’s favor to me, lest it might raise a barrier between us, was rather glad than otherwise― indeed, he was more a help than a hindrance, and eventually he, too, came to Christ. He is now with Christ, where I hope to meet him, there to praise God through endless ages for His wondrous grace in saving me, a poor, lost, undone, guilty sinner.
This happened many years ago, but since that day I have realized that Jesus died for me, and that my soul is saved, and, when asked the reason why, have given this assurance, “Because God says so.”
J. D —I.