During my last year at a boarding school for girls I realized that although I was in the midst of religious learning, yet I myself was a veritable heathen. That was my condition when it was decided by my elders that I should be confirmed. The large group of candidates included seven other girls from our school.
Yes, I was a stranger to grace. Yet for at least three years I had had within me an intense longing to know God. I yearned with all my soul for heavenly light, but I was puzzled. I knew not what it was nor who it was I really needed. Whenever I went home I used to go out to the woods and cry aloud to heaven for help, not realizing there was One in the glory who loved me and had given Himself for me. I thought God must be angry with me, for I saw myself as a hopeless sinner—earthly-minded, nothing spiritual about me.
A month before confirmation a preparation class in the school was begun. In it the catechism and Collect were studied. A few days before confirmation we were each in turn interviewed by the vicar in his vestry and these questions were put to me: "Do you know your catechism?" "Yes.”
“Do you know the Collects?" "Yes.”
“Have you studied the thirty-nine Articles?" "Yes.”
“Do you say your prayers?" "Yes.”
“Well, my dear, you will pass very well," I was told. I received a fatherly pat on my shoulder, and I was shown the door!
Had the vicar said: "Do you know the forgiveness of sins?" I would have answered most emphatically, "No.”
During the intervening days till the time set for confirmation I was most unhappy. I had not a ray of light from above—only a deeper sense of condemnation; and I dreaded to go forward to the ceremony lest I should make a false profession.
It is customary for girls to have simple white frocks for this church service—emblem of holiness, I suppose—but through some mistake my dressmaker did not send my new garment in time. Feeling very wretched, I told my teacher that I could not go as my dress had not come.
She replied: "How unfortunate! Well, that's all right. Some older women will be among the candidates and they wear black. You just wear your black one and you will pass in the crowd.”
There seemed no way of getting out of it! After all, the black dress seemed comforting, quite in keeping with my inward feelings. A black dress covering a black heart!
As we drove in silence to the church, I could not help comparing my black with the other girls' white garments. As I looked at them I said to myself: I dare say your hearts are as white as your frocks; but as for mine, I'm all black!
The church was full. The occasion seemed very solemn; and I at the end of the long pew was truly miserable. I wished with all my heart that I might stay there and not go forward to the communion rails. But what of my teacher up in the gallery? Would she be very angry if I remained in my seat when my turn came?
My mind was busy with these thoughts. I paid little heed to the service—indeed, I do not remember any of it till the bishop paused. Leaning over the pulpit he said so kindly: "I hope none of you who are false mean to come up. Better stay just where you are than be untrue. This service is only for those who know their hearts are right with God. Never mind your friends in the gallery. Be true.”
All right, thought I, now with the bishop's permission I will not leave the pew. Folding my arms in peace I meant to watch the service through to the end. But the bishop once more leaned over the pulpit and in most tender tones asked if there were any unsaved ones before him. I looked up, wondering if he knew all about me!
“Shall I tell you," said the bishop, "what words brought life to my soul long ago?" To this I listened with all my might, just longing for salvation.
“Hear these familiar words, 'Him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out' (John 6:3737All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. (John 6:37)). My dear young people, if He does not cast us out, why, of course He takes us in—into His own family—and henceforth we are 'children of God.”
The Lord, by the Spirit's power, applied these precious words to my heart. All now seemed so simple. Not caring who saw me, I sank right down on the floor on my knees in that high old-fashioned pew and poured my heart out to God. I claimed His own sweet promise: "Him that cometh unto Me I will in no wise cast out." Then and there I received power to become a child of God; and, like the prodigal son, I was conscious of the kiss of forgiveness.
A child of God! Oh think of it! What a joy! My burden was gone, I could have shouted for joy, "All glory to the Lord Jesus!”
Do you know Him thus, dear reader? As a guilty sinner, come to Jesus Christ; accept Him as your own and only Savior.