MY boyhood was spent on a farm. Later I became a student of medicine, and the college life and graduation were followed by the everyday life of a busy physician. In this I was successful, professionally and financially, far beyond my most sanguine expectation.
As to religious views, I had none, other than an intense hatred for everything called Christian. I read eagerly the writings of Tom Paine, Ingersoll, Huxley, Tyndall, and Darwin, and listened with great delight to every one who could in any way array themselves against the Bible.
So life passed, until, in my thirty-ninth year, every plan seemed completed and nothing seemed to prevent the enjoyment of whatever life held in store for me.
Each afternoon it was my custom to post my accounts, rest as quietly as possible in my private office, where, quite alone, I could read or give myself up to such rest or meditation as was most agreeable.
One afternoon, while thus engaged, a thought flashed through my mind, which seemed as if a voice had spoken it, saying: ―
“Doctor, you’re lost!”
This aroused and startled me; but I put it away as some idle or foolish fancy, and thought no more about it.
The next afternoon, in the same place and about the same time, another startling announcement, as if it were a voice, said: ―
“Doctor, you’re going to hell!”
“Nonsense” I cried; and after a volley of oaths I wondered what kind of tricks somebody or something was trying to play upon me―and strongly asserted that no such place as bell had any existence whatever.
And thus from day to day, at about the same time, some such terrific message came to me, until I doubted my own sanity, and seriously thought of calling in a physician.
One evening, being called to supper, I went, with more desire to put on a bold front against all this than anything else, for I had no appetite. I was suffering unexplainable agony.
At last, at the table, I broke silence by saying, “I’ve got to pray, if I can; for I am in awful agony! I’m going to hell, if there is any such place!”
I thought of my mother, and sent for her. She came to me within an hour or so, and I told her my case. She said she had prayed for this all my life. Instantly I became angry, and asked her how she could pray for me to be in this kind of suffering. She then prayed for me again, but apparently could not help me in the least.
I then thought of one of the leading ministers of the city, with whom I was acquainted. To him I went, and as we sat in his parlor I told him my case. He then proceeded to tell me that when he was a young man he attended a certain camp-meeting, and when they called for “mourners,” or “seekers,” he went down to the “mourners’ bench,” and was not there long until he saw a light coming from far away, which came nearer and nearer until it shone all about him; and then he knew he was converted!
Here he paused, for I was staring at him in wild amazement. I arose at once, and almost rushed out of his house, in greater darkness than ever. The day was now more than half-gone. I came back to my home and offices (the offices were all closed: no calls were attended to at all). I found a little Bible about the house, and began to read in the New Testament.
Here I discovered much about Jesus Christ altogether new to me. I said in my heart, “He must be more than man; and if more than man, He must be God.”
I can only remember this, that His divinity was the one thing I had most positively denied, and was now ready to affirm; and in my heart did so.
The instant I did this, everything changed as by an electric flash. The unbearable burden was gone, the dread of hell vanished, and an indescribable tenderness and love of the very person of the Lord Jesus Christ seemed to fill me so full that it must be told. On the pavement, in front of my own office, I found myself with my arm around a filthy tramp, telling him of the lovely being, the Lord Jesus Christ.
Then, and not till then, came penitent tears. Oh! that Holy Person I had abused! The vile names I had given Him! The wasted years! The men I had poisoned with my awful teaching! I can never undo it nor recall it! Then to think He forgives it all, and saves a sinner like me! My whole being seemed melted into tears of penitence and thankfulness.
Then came burdens of prayer for lost men. It now seemed to me that the gospel truth was so plain and simple that everybody must be saved: and to live, as I had done, in stubborn ignorance, was a grievous fault. I felt that if men were taught how it was, they would gladly have the Lord Jesus Christ to do for them what He had done for me.
J. F.