Winter at last set in with frigid winds, but only moderate snow. Daddy watched anxiously for heavier moisture to soak deep in the soil when spring came. There were long winter evenings around the stoves when work was at a minimum.
Mary Jane had long ago met the requirements in her classes for reading and history and was absorbing everything she could get her hands on. Everything, that is, except books that might build her up in the Lord. Being so occupied with her own feelings of love or joy in the Lord, she was naturally often discouraged. For feelings are like a ye-ye. Good solid truth was often put before her in the family readings and in the assembly of believers where they attended; but the good words were lost. Her pre-conceived idea of how she ought to feel was more her concern than just what the Lord said in His Word.
When discouragement and doubt took hold of her, Mary Jane made the grave mistake of seeking to bury her feelings in some novel checked out of the school library. The effect of these books upon her was profound. She lived the exciting story to the hilt – as if it were her own. So vivid was her imagination that after the book was finished, the effect would linger for days, filling her with discontent and emptiness. Only by beginning another story could she erase the mood. Or perhaps she would put herself into some wild dream patterned after the story. Too often Mamma could be heard saying, “Mary Jane! I’ve called you several times! Now, please come set the table!” or, “Won’t you finish your ironing now? I want to put the board away, and everyone else is finished except you.”
Clara was not so long-suffering. “Give me that old book!” and a scuffle would follow. “I’ll hide it if I get my hands on it! I’m tired of hearing poor Mamma pleading with you to do your work!”
One stormy Lord’s Day afternoon, Jennie observed a disconsolate Mary Jane. For she had finished her latest book and had none other. A bad case of the blues had set in. To make matters worse, she had been watching her two sisters. Jennie was reading Pilgrim Portions for the Day of Rest. At times her face was a study in deep inward peace as some particular article was made good to her soul. Lori was reveling in the organ, singing the hymns with apparent joy as she played.
“What is wrong with me?” she wondered dismally.
It was then that Jennie’s glance fell upon her. “Why, Mary Jane, little sister! You look so sad! Come here and let me read you something to cheer you up.”
Little sister came, hardly able to smile or swallow the lump in her throat, but comforted a little at the prospect.
“What have you been reading here?” Jennie asked compassionately, picking up the book still in her hand. “Oh, honey, really –. This isn’t in your library section, is it? I remember when I had to read it for Lit. It’s –; well, I was sorry I had to waste the time on it.” Jennie’s eyes were searching her sister’s face. “Does Mamma know what you read?”
Mary Jane’s eyes dropped. “I just tell her I’m reading something for school. Anyway, I like to read, and nothing ever happens around here!”
“May I tell you something – that –”, and Jennie was searching for right words, “that I learned myself the hard way?”
Mary Jane nodded, not exactly sure she wanted to hear what her sister had to say.
“First, dear,” Jennie was saying, “answer me honestly now, Are you happy?”
“Well, I ought to be happier. You know, Jennie, that really worries me! I’m not like you and Lori and Marguerite and Mamma. You all seem like the people in the tracts – all shiny-faced and joyous, I wonder–.”
“You know you have an old nature and a new nature, don’t you?” asked Jennie.
“Yes, but – I don’t understand too much –.”
“Well, now, Mary Jane, God gave you a new nature when you were born again. He says so. The question is, What are you to do about the old nature? It isn’t changed at all. Here is a little comparison. Suppose I have a cage, and on one side I have a compartment for an ugly, old vulture; on the, other side one for a pretty white dove. If I only feed the dove once in a while, but favor the vulture with juicy, regular meals, what will happen?”
“Well the vulture will get fat but the poor dove wouldn’t do so well, maybe he’d get sick, I guess.”
“Now, tell me, honey, which nature do you think you feed when you read novels like this so much? Wait a minute – ask yourself – do they produce the fruits of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance named in Galatians 5:22-23? Or is it something else?”
“NO, they don’t, I mean, they just make me – Oh! I suppose it’s the old nature they feed. But I’m so mixed up! When I read my Bible, it just makes me feel happy once in a while. I’m just a mess! Not like you and –.”
“It makes you feel happy maybe,” Jennie interrupted, “when you listen to what it says, and forget to look into your own little heart to see how you are feeling. Is that it?”
“I don’t know,” Mary Jane said miserably. “I heard Daddy talking at the Bible reading over at Schneider’s about the ‘unpardonable sin.’ It made me so scared! Sometimes I wonder if –.”
“You’re worrying about that? The unpardonable sin was committed by those Jews who said the Lord did His miracles by the power of Satan. Then now, as I understand it, one who totally rejects the testimony of the Spirit of God concerning His Son Jesus Christ – of course, has certain judgment ahead. Take my advice now, darling, and just go tell the Lord you’re cold in your soul and that you want Him to help you as you read His Word to understand and learn more of Him. Ask Him to help you to stop looking in at yourself. God sees you perfect in Christ Jesus. He is our righteousness before God. When you’ve failed, just tell Him, and ‘He is faithful and just to forgive....’ Remember too, honey, He isn’t disappointed at all when old Mary Jane fails. The old flesh is absolutely no good, and He knows that. It couldn’t do anything but fail. Get that, once and for all. God sees you clean and pure in Christ. Now this is what I learned from hard experience. You cannot be happy in Christ and feed on books like this. Your new nature is starved and the Holy Spirit in you is grieved. Now I know you have to read some in school. But don’t fill yourself with them. Satan is using this with you (as he did with me) to keep you miserable. It’s all he can do to those who are saved; but he’ll do it so you won’t be any testimony.”
Jennie made it sound so simple. But Mary Jane thought to herself, “She can’t imagine all the mixed-up thoughts I have. How can I be sure I have really believed with my heart and not my head, and how can I know for certain that I’m one who was predestinated?”
“Thanks, Jennie,” she said. “I guess I’ll go up to my room.”
She trudged upstairs. Kneeling beside her bed, she poured out all her old thoughts and her fervent desire for settled peace. She also asked the Lord to help her to stop reading the books. She knew a struggle lay ahead. Exhausted, she lay down. A gust of wind whipped around the eaves with a dismal moan and the attic access door in her closet buzzed eerily. Mary Jane groaned and picked up her Bible. A. little piece of paper fluttered out from somewhere. How it got there, she had no recollection. It was the lower portion of a calendar sheet. Picking it up she read, “I will visit you and perform my good word toward you,... For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil to give you an expected end” (Jer. 29:10-11).
“Lord! to think of Thee caring enough about me to give me such words – right from heaven!” Mary Jane cried out. “Oh, I thank Thee! I thank Thee!”
The remaining winter months were still a struggle. Loneliness and boredom were lurking enemies. The family was not too often able to get the sixty miles in to the meeting. When they did, the youthful companionship was limited. Besides, a growing shyness made it hard for Mary Jane to relax with people in the city. When the treacherous weather threatened, Daddy thought it best to stay in the safety of the big house; and their isolation was quite complete. The girls were very close, usually, and enjoyed many good discussions. Mamma too was always a “tower of strength.”
One night Mary Jane lay awake for a while as the big house rattled and shook to its foundation from the violent force of the screaming north wind. Her sins seemed to come before her with vividness never before experienced. She remembered many she had forgotten and some so rank she could never forget. What a shabby collection! The Lord was doing some deeper plowing in her soul.
Was it coincidence that soon after this her attention was caught by a portion of a verse in Matthew 18:23-32: “I forgave thee all that debt”? The servant who owed so much to his lord had heard these blessed words. They were sweeter than honey to Mary Jane. The Lord had just shown her somewhat of her own debt. And to know the whole thing forgiven! But she did not lay hold of the facts concerning the mighty work. The work was done so completely, God’s wrath against her sins so fully spent; the blessed Son of God who bore them was raised from the dead to prove the power of death broken once and for all these were things imperfectly realized by her. When the old blues overtook her in a moment of fatigue or discouragement, Satan would throw a fiery dart that produced a thought like this, “See? here you are with the ‘blues’ again. Christians are always happy. Aren’t you just kidding yourself? You probably don’t really believe from the heart. Anyway, just why would you be a chosen one?”
And the burning ache would return. Predestination! Daddy joyfully explained it as a marvelous “family secret” to be enjoyed by the members of God’s family and not preached to sinners. Jennie was like Daddy – “God says it and that settles it! Just enjoy it!”
“Why can’t I just be simple too!” Mary Jane wailed to Lori one day. Lori had endured some of these same exercises herself. She comforted softly, “Maybe the Lord is letting you go through these things so that you can someday help another poor little girl. ‘He that hath begun a good work in you will perform it....’ That I am sure of.”