I WAS brought up in a Christian household, where the Scriptures were read every morning, followed by prayer. I grew up in these surroundings very careless as to my eternal future, living just for this world and its pleasures, and thinking only of having a good time. I continued like this for a considerable time, fast asleep in my sins, never dreaming that at any moment I might have been launched into an endless eternity of woe and pain. I imagined that God was against me, and was just waiting to pounce upon me for my sins. Alas! how easily does the devil put these thoughts into our minds in order to hide God’s way of salvation from us. I believed, of course, in the Lord Jesus, but only in the same way that I believed in Napoleon, that is, it was only a historical belief.
I always said my prayers morning and evening, and if I had any time to spare, I generally read a few verses of Scripture, but I only did these things as a duty, and not from any love in my heart for them. I thought that God would be pleased with my religious tasks, and in consequence He would not be too hard with me when I came to stand before Him in judgment.
Of course I know now that I did not really pray. I just repeated over a form of words, and thought that in consequence I would be kept from harm, but in this I was just like the majority of people, who think that they can save themselves by their own supposed good works, and that what they are deficient in will be made up by the Lord taking pity on them. Alas! in all this I was very ignorant, not knowing that the Scriptures tell us, “There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, not one” (Rom. 3:11, 1211There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. 12They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, not one. (Romans 3:11‑12)).
I thought in my blindness and ignorance that if I tried to become good that then ‘there was a chance for me. So I went on for a considerable time without much concern, until one Sunday night I went to hear a preacher speak on the subject of “The Great White Throne.” He spoke of the fate of those who die without trusting in the Lord Jesus Christ, but who instead trust in their own works. He showed from Scripture that there was to hope for such; that they would be lost forever; that there were only two places in the next world, Heaven and the Lake of Fire, and to one of these each soul was traveling.
This address made me very uneasy. I knew now that the Lake of Fire would be my fate unless I got the matter settled. I knew my name was not in the Lamb’s Book of Life, and that I was not ready to meet a holy God against whom I had sinned. I was for a long time in great anxiety of soul. I saw from Scripture that my works were of no value in God’s sight.
The next thing I thought of was that if I could only keep from sinning perhaps God would accept me, so I made resolutions not to sin any more, but alas! no sooner were they made than the same day they were broken. This made me very unhappy. I found out that the trouble was inside, and that I had no power to keep myself even for a single hour.
I endeavored then to try and forget about eternal things altogether, and, falling in with bad companions, succeeded for a time, but God did not allow my conscience to sleep for long. Again the thought came to me, “You must meet God.” I then dropped my companions, owing to the influence of one of them, who had got converted, but still I had no settled peace of soul. The devil kept telling me that I was too great a sinner, that the day of mercy was over for me.
I spent a long time now in very great anxiety of soul. For weeks at a time I would have no other thought than, “How can my sins be forgiven, and how can I know that I am saved?” I thought that the reason God did not answer my prayers was that I had not repented enough for my sins, and that when I felt sorry enough then He would take pity on me. In other words I wanted salvation in exchange for my repentance, so that my repentance would be the ground of my salvation. Alas! that I should have been so ignorant of the Gospel of God. I did not want God’s salvation in the way He was offering it, namely, as a free gift. I wanted to make God my debtor, to buy salvation with my repentance and tears. Thus I wished to add to the work of the Lord Jesus my own works and good deeds. I imagined that He had done so much work for me on the Cross, a certain quantity, and that what remained had to be done by me, namely, to add on my repentance and faith; but the trouble with me now was that I never could tell when I had repented enough. It is true that we cannot be saved without repentance, but repentance does not save. It is that frame of mind that makes the sinner anxious to be saved.
At last I said, “Why should I have to wait so long for salvation?” when the scripture says, “Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation” (2 Cor. 6:22(For he saith, I have heard thee in a time accepted, and in the day of salvation have I succored thee: behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.) (2 Corinthians 6:2)). I saw that I was depending on my repentance, and that as long as I depended even for the smallest fraction on myself, I never could have any peace.
At last the light broke in upon me. I saw that the work of the Lord Jesus was a complete work that I did not need to add anything to it. All I had to do was to reach out the empty hand of need, and in faith accept the Lord Jesus as the One, who had died for me, as my own precious Saviour. I saw that all the repentance I needed was just as much as would lead me to accept the Lord Jesus as my own personal Saviour. All I had to do was to come as I was, a lost, perishing sinner, to receive Him by faith as the One, who had died for me, who had taken my guilty place, who had borne the penalty to its fullest extent, which my sins deserved when He suffered upon that awful Cross at Calvary. I also learned that He had so glorified God in the putting away of sin, that God had, in consequence of His perfect atonement, raised Him from amongst the dead, and had seated Him at His own right hand. This is the proof to us of how fully God was satisfied with the work accomplished on the Cross. I saw also that God was not now against the sinner, that He had so loved the world as to give His only begotten Son to the death of the Cross (see John 3:1616For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)).
Did not the Lord Himself say, “I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance” (Matt. 9:1313But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. (Matthew 9:13))? “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:2828Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28))? “I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved” (John 10:99I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. (John 10:9))? “Him that cometh to me, I will in no wise cast out” (John 6:3737All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. (John 6:37))?
So at long last the love of the blessed Lord Jesus found the wandering sheep. I came to Him, accepted Him as my own personal Saviour; His love filled my heart with praise as I thought of what it must have cost Him to redeem such a rebel as I was. I had true rest of soul and conscience, for I saw that He had cleansed away all my many sins in His precious blood (see 1 John 1:77But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin. (1 John 1:7)), and I knew on the authority of His own word, that I had everlasting life, and would not come into judgment, and that I had passed from death to life (see John 5:2424Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life. (John 5:24)).
It is many years ago now, but He has kept me ever since, and I have found Him to be indeed “The Good Shepherd,” who gave His life for me (see John 10:1111I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep. (John 10:11)), who went into the wilderness, and searched for me until He found me, and He has carried me on His shoulders ever since (see Luke 15:3-63And he spake this parable unto them, saying, 4What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it? 5And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing. 6And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbors, saying unto them, Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost. (Luke 15:3‑6)). Thank God, He holds me; if it had been otherwise, I should have dropped away long ago.
“I could never keep my hold,
He will hold me fast,
For my love is ofttimes cold,
HE will hold me fast.”
How awful must the fate be of those, who reject such love and mercy. May you also know something of His wonderful love. It can only be known by having to do with Himself alone (see John 14:66Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. (John 14:6)).
M.