“OH! how awful it would have been if I had died then; I was in such profound darkness, and distance from God,” and a passing look of horror came o’er the pallid and wan face of the speaker, while her blue eyes filled with tears, as she seemed to shrink from a visible evil.
“And what would it be if you were to die now?” I rejoined.
“Thank God! it is all light, and peace, and joy, and rest now. I know Him, and I shall soon be with Him,” and the look of horror gave place to a smile of sweet contentment, and holy joy.
The speaker was a lady in the prime of life as far as years go; but the bright eye, flushed cheek rapid breathing, and emaciated frame, coupled with a constant cough, told all too plainly that a few days would close her earthly history. She was propped up on a sofa, and in her hand held a little red-bound “Marked New Testament,” gazing at the words―
“IT SHALL COME TO PASS, THAT AT EVENING TIME IT SHALL BE LIGHT,”
which, with her initials, were written inside the cover. It was the perusal of this text, and an allusion to our first meeting, some years before, which led to her startling ejaculation above narrated. That meeting, as she had often in the interval said, manifested wondrously the ways of God in grace to sinful wanderers here on earth, and for it she daily gave thanks. It came about thus.
One Lord’s Day afternoon in October 1893 I received an urgent call to at once visit a lady staying in apartments in the West End of Edinburgh. Responding immediately to the message, I found my patient in a condition of great danger from acute inflammation? and almost complete closure of the larynx. Suffocation was impending rapidly, and the look of distress on her face will not be forgotten. My prompt measures for her relief were rapidly effectual, her thankfulness was great, and although entire strangers, I soon saw that she thoroughly trusted me as a doctor.
Her personality was striking and attractive, an exceedingly pleasant smile giving charm to her face. A short acquaintance revealed that she was a woman of the world, in every sense of the word, and that of every fountain, that was supposed to afford pleasure to the human heart, she had drunk, and drunk deeply, and yet I could plainly see, her heart was ill at ease. She had traveled a good deal, had seen the world from many sides, and had tasted and learned its hollowness. Novels formed her staple food, as far as reading was concerned, though she had read largely in other subjects. Pictures had great power over her, for art was her idol, nature her God―if she had any―and she was a painter, whose pictures were but seen to be admired, while her skill in designing, and manual dexterity in the execution of ornamental needlework, was remarkable.
I rather wondered that I should have been selected to be her physician, the more so as she knew me by name and sight, and afterward told me, that she had been repeatedly warned on no account to call me in, if she needed a doctor, as I should be sure to “talk religion” to her, a subject for which she had no taste in the world. Her sudden illness, however, had made a doctor’s presence necessary, and her landlady had said, “My doctor lives nearby, shall I not send for him?” and thus God brought us together.
I became greatly interested in my patient, and longed for a fitting opportunity of a talk with her about her soul, and the blessedness of the knowledge of Christ, but I had the distinct sense that if I broached the subject, she would resent it, so quietly bided the Lord’s time. She afterward told me this was exactly the case. She daily expected me to speak, and was prepared to fight, but when weeks rolled by, and I did not speak, she wondered if God had altogether given her up, and that troubled her not a little.
The illness for which I first saw her was of a passing nature, but a neglected chill of months before involved a long attendance in the winter, and early in January of 1894 I had to see her frequently.
The light nature of the books which surrounded her led one afternoon to a conversation, in course of which she broke the ice by saying, “They, tell me you write books, Doctor. Is it so?”
“Oh yes, I have written a little thing or two. Have you seen any of my books?”
“No.”
“Would you like to?”
‘Very much,” she replied.
“Then I will bring you one next time I come,” and, on the morrow, I put into her hand a little volume entitled “Rest for the Weary,” some gospel addresses on the Book of Ruth. The contents of that little volume God graciously used to awaken in her soul the sense of her sin, her guilt, her need, and her danger. She became thoroughly aroused by the Spirit of God. Her conscience was reached, her soul solemnized, and for the first time in her history she looked eternity fairly in the face, only to feel that, she was unready to enter it, and that to die as she then was, would indeed be awful. Death was not then in the cup, but God made her face it, and weigh the solemn fact that after it came judgment.
At each succeeding visit the need of her soul, and not that of her body, was what was uppermost in her mind, and one afternoon, wishing to point out to her God’s way of salvation, and His joy in man’s blessing, as unfolded in Job 33 and Luke 15, I said to her, “Would you give me your Bible?”
With a deep blush she answered, “I have not got one.”
“Not got a Bible?” I said.
“Not here. I may have one in the old home” (and so she had, for her mother had given her one on the day of her confirmation, over twenty years before),” but I have not opened a Bible for fourteen years.”
The next day I sent her a little Polyglot Bible, first writing in her name, and thereafter these words―
When next I called she thanked me for the Bible, at the same time asking, “Why did you put that text under my name, I mean that particular one?”
“It was the text that specially came to my mind in connection with your state,” I rejoined. “Is it suitable?”
“Oh yes, indeed it is. It is light that I want, I feel I am in darkness, awful darkness. I can see nothing except my sins, and, oh, they have been many, many, too many I fear to be forgiven,” and tears of divinely-produced contrition and repent ante rolled down her cheeks as she reviewed her life, wasted, as she now judged it to have been, in the mere trivialities of daily existence, the things that concerned her eternal peace having been utterly neglected.
From that day her Bible was her constant companion. She read it continuously, studied it diligently, and marked it from end to end. For fully twelve months the only effect of its perusal, and frequent conversations with her as to its truths was to deepen the distress of her soul. Each time I saw her she plied me with innumerable questions as to God’s way of saving sinners, what was the new birth, how was it to be obtained, how could a sinner like she ensure it, and how could she know if she had passed through it. Glimmers of light which the Holy Spirit gave her as she diligently searched the Scriptures, only again gave place to a deeper sense of darkness, as she saw what sin was in God’s sight. Along with this sprung up a deep desire for the salvation of others, a desire which God fanned by the distinct conversion, at this time, of her youngest sister, who, at her instigation, went to hear a well-known evangelist preach, and being dealt with in the after-meeting Brat believed, and then simply confessed Christ as her Saviour.
The sense of God’s holiness grew in her soul correspondingly with the increasing discovery of her own unholiness, and her greatest difficulty and oft-repeated query was, “How can God love a sinner like me?” God’s love in giving His Son―His only begotten Son―for the world she could believe. Christ’s love in.-sacrificing Himself for sinners she believed implicitly. The atoning value of His blood she was assured of. Her need of that precious blood to cleanse her sins away she was persuaded of; but pardon, peace, and salvation seemed somehow out of her grasp. Her spiritual distress told greatly on her physical health, and as she had one illness after another her condition at length became serious.
It is usually darkest just before the dawn, and so was it in the history of this dear soul. A full year of this soul-exercise was gone through before she found rest in the Lord. I well remember the occasion, when, with self-loathing and repentance, she judged the whole of her bygone history in no measured terms, as she saw what a sinner she was in God’s sight; and then said, “Now, Doctor, what must I do to get peace?”
I replied, “You will have to go to the Lord, and just tell Ham the whole of your history as simply as you have told it to me.”
“But I do not feel that I can; He seems so far away.”
“No, He is not far away, nor is His salvation far off either. You will have to heed the Scripture, ‘That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us’ (Acts 17:2727That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us: (Acts 17:27)). Again, listen to this: The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach; that if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the Scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed. For there is no difference between the Jew and the Greek: for the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him. For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved’ (Rom. 10:8-138But what saith it? The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach; 9That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. 10For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. 11For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed. 12For there is no difference between the Jew and the Greek: for the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him. 13For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. (Romans 10:8‑13)).
“Now do not you sleep tonight until you have cast yourself simply on Him, just as you are, and told Him all that you are, all that you have been, and all that you have done. Many troubled souls, like you, do not get peace because they are afraid of the Lord, and do not make a clean breast of all to Him. They are therefore like David as he says, ‘When I kept silence, my bones waxed old, through my roaring all the day long: for day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer.’ That is where he was, and you are. Now see he goes on: ‘I acknowledged my in unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin’ (Psa. 32:3-53When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long. 4For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer. Selah. 5I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah. (Psalm 32:3‑5)). Just you do as he did, and you will taste what he tasted—the sweetness of forgiveness.”
When I called the next morning her face was radiant with joy. I saw something had taken place, and said, “Well, what has happened?”
“Oh, I just did as you bade me. I went right to Him and told Him everything. I just cast myself upon Him, and His love, and His mercy.”
“And what took place?”
“Oh! Jesus has saved me. I have found Him, and He has found me. I have proved just what David did, that confession and forgiveness go hand in hand. The Lord spoke to me Himself. He just said to me, like the woman in the Gospel,
‘THY SINS ARE FORGIVEN. THY FAITH HATH SAVED THEE; GO IN PEACE’
(Luke 7:48, 5048And he said unto her, Thy sins are forgiven. (Luke 7:48)
50And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace. (Luke 7:50)); I am forgiven, saved, and have peace with God now, “and tears of joy rolled down her cheeks, as she lay back on her pillow, and seemed to nestle in the sense, “I am loved by Christ.” Truly, God had said, “Let there be light, and there was light.” It filled her soul, beamed from her eyes, and gave her the experimental knowledge that “God is Love.”
From that hour she never had a doubt as to her salvation. As time rolled on she learned much of the grace of Christ, gladly owned herself a disciple, and associated herself with the Lord’s people, while her interest in all that was connected with Him, and His work, was unbounded. She had immense joy in hearing of the conversion of others, and greatly longed and prayed much for the conversion of a young friend from a foreign land. This desire God granted eventually, but not while she was alive.
After she had found the Lord, and entered into soul-rest, and the happy knowledge of a Father’s love to His child, she began to pick up a little physically, but the hand of the Lord was upon her, as regards her body, and a succession of illnesses, necessitating grave surgical operations, overtook her between 1895 and 1898. All these she bore with remarkable uncomplainingness, cut off as she now was from the outside world, which had once been her delight.
Just before one of these ordeals the surgeon who was to operate told her its gravity, and that indeed it might have a fatal issue, though he hoped otherwise. Her answer was: “Never mind! Do what you judge right. I am ready to go, and have no fear as I look into the future.”
These illnesses confined her for months to her bed, and almost entirely, for the rest of her days, to her room, but she was never idle. When her fingers were not necessarily busy on some embroidery or other useful work, her pen was in constant exerciser culling choice bits of prose and poetry from the writings of God’s servants, relating to things spiritual and heavenly. She filled volumes thus, while her deeply valued little Bible contains in its blank spaces the breathings of her own soul God-wards, beautifully intermingled with such extracts.
Her sense of dependence on God, and the need of His sustaining grace, thus finds expression: ―
Lord, keep me true to Thyself, in heart, and purpose, and from loving the world, or the things of the world.
Lord, do Thou keep me;
Lord, do Thou help me;
Lord, do not let me fall under
Satan’s power.
O good Jesus! may Thy voice sound in my ears, that my heart may learn how to love Thee-my only true good, my sweet and delightful joy.
O my God! in loving Thee I possess Thee―Thou art love itself.
Lord, Thou knowest what I desire of Thee, and if it be according to Thy will Thou knowest; but if not, O beloved Lord, forgive Thou my simplicity, for Thou knowest I desire only that Thy will, not mine, should be done.
To grow in the knowledge of Christ is our life and privilege. He shuts out everything else.
May I so trust the love of God, the faithfulness of God, that I may have courage to say “Show me Thy way;” faith in the full delight of God to bless me, so that I may do His will, even if it be at the loss of everything; may my soul be so intimate with God that I may seek His way and nothing else.
“Thy saying is most true;
Salvation’s well is deep,
Only Christ’s hand can reach the waters blue;
And even He must stoop to draw it up,
Ere He can fill thy cup.”
A PLACID AND STEADY CALM.
One has seen such gentleness of spirit in some Christians, that they have been an ornament to the doctrine of Jesus Christ.
May I learn that holy calm, and may the Spirit of God so dwell in me, that in all I say, and all I do, and all I am, I may adorn the doctrine of God my Saviour in all things.
Keep my soul happily occupied with Thyself, who lovest me, and gavest Thyself for me.
O dear Father, give me grace to love, so in my life and words to testify of Jesus, that in the home where I live, and places where I go, instead of a barren and dreary desert, there may spring up many trees of Thy planting.
My God, O make me perfect to do Thy will, working in me that which is well-pleasing in Thy sight, through Jesus Christ.
“Saviour, lead me, lest I stray,
Gently lead me all the way;
I am safe when by Thy side,
I would in Thy love abide.
Thou the refuge of my soul
When life’s stormy billows roll,
I am safe when Thou art nigh,
On Thy mercy I rely.
Saviour, lead me, till at last,
When the storm of life is past,
I shall reach the land of day,
Where all tears are wiped away.
Lead me, lead me,
Saviour, lead me, lest I stray,
Gently down the stream of time,
Lead me. Saviour all the way.”
“If I lack the real knowledge of Christ―if I have not Christ, no matter how beautiful and moral my life may be―I lack everything. Let me have everything, be what I may in this world, if I do not possess Christ, I lack everything really worth having. If I am not right about Christ I am wrong about everything. If I am right about Christ I am right about most things.”
Lord, keep me near to Thyself.
Self-confidence is the cause of our failures.
Self-distrust is the secret of our getting on with the Lord.
A CLOUD TO GUARD AGAINST: SELF, AND SELF-CONFIDENCE.
Self-confidence flung me off my guard, and took me away from Christ. “Let him that thinketh he standeth, take heed lest he fall,” had no place in my mind, and so, failing to pray to be kept out of temptation, though bidden of the Lord to do so, I slept when I should have been gathering strength, and fell an easy prey to the enemy’s stratagems in the moment of temptation when I should have humbly, yet boldly, confessed my Lord; so it will always be if self-confidence, or a spirit of boastfulness, be found in my heart. The day that I fell was the day I ceased to fear to fall. So long as fear was in my heart, I was kept of God! ―the only path of safety is near to my Lord.
Precious Saviour and Friend, teach me more simply to cleave to Thee, and thus to be more like Thee.
“Scripture invariably gives us the dark side as well as the bright, and what does this bring out? Only the grace of the Lord, who can take a saint out of the slough into which he has fallen, and make him a more useful vessel than ever before; ―the fall breaks self-confidence.”
“It is an intensely solemn fact that every man or woman who is not in the company of Christ., is in the clutch of the god of this world, and sooner or later must learn the power of the evil one. The Lord would teach us that even a saint away from Christ is in the power of Satan.”
The Holy Ghost shows us what we are, and that is one reason why He often seems to be very hard, and does not give peace to the soul, as we are not relieved till we experimentally, from our hearts, acknowledge what we are.
“The real effect of grace is to teach us that we have no strength!’
“Grace creates confidence just in proportion to the measure in which it acts towards us, and in us. It produces trust in Him who is its source. We cannot trust ourselves, but we can trust the grace that forgives our faults, and will trust us when we are broken down and humbled.”
The truth is, that when we have no strength and no will, we are in a state for God to take us up:― May I follow Thee, Lord, and do Thy will.
“WHAT A CHRISTIAN KNOWS.”
“A Christian knows that the work of Christ was so perfect that it has effected everything for him. He knows his sins are all blotted out, he knows he is forgiven, he knows that God is his Father, and now he simply waits for Jesus.”
“Into the very scene of our sin and misery and degradation, God has stepped, and brought salvation to us in the Person, and through the work of His own beloved Son, our Lord Jesus Christ.”
Our greatest wisdom is to do according to the will and counsel of our best Friend. And this blessed Friend is Jesus, and His will and counsel is that we should take refuge in Him, and abide in Him; coming to Him clean or bemired, His love is the same in every case.
“O Jesus, make Thyself to me
A living bright reality;
More present to faith’s vision keen
Than any outward object seen;
More dear, more intimately nigh,
Than e’en the sweetest earthly tie.”
“To be near Jesus is the only place of safety for the soul that knows him.”
“The grace and love of Jeans fill the heart with joy and peace.”
“Still on Thy loving heart let me repose,
Jesus, sweet Author of my joy and rest;
Thy love grows never cold, but its pure flame
Seems every day more strong and bright.
Oh! what is other love compared with Thine,
Of such high value, such eternal worth.
What is man’s love compared with love divine,
Which never changes in this changing earth:
Love, which in this cold world ne’er grows cold,
Love, which ne’er decays, with the world’s decay,
Love, which is young when all things else grow old,
Which lives when heaven and earth shall pass away.”
HE CONSISTENCY OF HIS LOVE. ―Opposition does not stop it; through everything He goes on with His love.
FAITH. ―Human reasoning and wisdom of words cannot manufacture faith: it comes by hearing the Word of God.
“Faith can walk on rough waters as well as on smooth, if the eye be kept on the Lord. The Lord had said to Peter ‘Come,’ and that was enough—He who created the elements can make the sea a pavement for His servant. When Christ and His word are kept before the soul, we can walk on the rough sea of life. as well as on smooth waters.”
“Surely through my tears I saw
God softly drawing near;
How came He without sight or sound
So soon to disappear?
God was not gone: but He so longed
His sweetness to impart,
He too was seeking for a home,
And found it in my heart.”
God knows with whom He has to deal, the resistance to be met with, and how it is to be overcome. He saw all things from the beginning to the end―how consolatory to our feeble hearts. Not a difficulty or trial can befall us which has not been foreseen by our God, and for which in His grace provision has not been made. Everything has been prearranged in view of our final triumph, and of our victorious exit from this scene, through the display of His redeeming power, to be forever with the Lord.
God being my refuge, I shall find, either that He will give me deliverance from my trouble or help in it―but blessing in some way or other. It may be painful to find every other refuge fail, but God being my refuge, I shall find Him my strength and very present help.
“Casting all your care upon him.” Why? “For he careth for you.” What comfort, what rest for the soul, in all the ups and downs, and vicissitudes of this life!
His presence is always fresh; weariness and repetition are impossible where He is.
“Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” But the latch is on the inside.
It is surely a right Christian spirit to look up with loyal admiration to a great or saintly soul, feeling that in quite a peculiar way such an one is meet for the Master’s service.
I cannot be a partaker of the Lord’s Table, and of the table of devils. It is impossible. The Spirit of God will not allow me. I may sit down, but I cannot be a partaker. If I allow myself in things that are not of God, when I come to the Lord’s Table, I may get there in body, but I shall never touch the real thing.
Is the Spirit going to minister the things of the Lord to me on the Lord’s Day morning, when I have been doing what I like the other six days of the week?
What is my title to come to the Table of the Lord? He has invited me. He says it, that is the whole point.
“It is enough to know our own path. We are not called on to inquire as to our brother’s.”
“If I am always looking to my own interests, if I have no thought but for my own personal comfort, if my religion can live and die within my own heart―I have not anything that is worth having. I must love others, love them intensely, and make it the one object of my life to make other people happy, for so I will then be acting according to the will of God in all things.”
“O God, give me the skill
In comforts art,
That I may consecrated be,
And set apart
Unto a life of sympathy.”
Give me a Christ-like touch.
“While here, to do ‘Thy will’ be mine,
And Thine to fix my time of rest.”
of her life had been spent in the world, the afternoon with the Lord and His people, and now the evening had come in the spring of 1898 she caught a chill which laid the basis of consumption, which took her away just ten days after the conversation first recorded in this article. I saw the end was near, and her feebleness being so great that she could with difficulty hold her Bible, I had seat her the little “Marked Testament” before alluded to, with the quotation,
“IT SHALL COME TO PASS, THAT AT EVENING TIME IT SHALL BE LIGHT”
One bright Lord’s Day morning, as the flowers began to bud in May 1899, she peacefully fell asleep in Jesus.
At her funeral I read a portion of John 11, where we learn that “Jesus loved Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus” (vs. 5). A few remarks were made on the words, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: and whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?” (vers. 25, 26), coupled with the statement as regards the body of the believer, “It is sown in corruption; it is raised in incorruption: it is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory: it is sown in weakness; it is raised in power: it is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body” (1 Cor. 15:42-4442So also is the resurrection of the dead. It is sown in corruption; it is raised in incorruption: 43It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory: it is sown in weakness; it is raised in power: 44It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. There is a natural body, and there is a spiritual body. (1 Corinthians 15:42‑44)). Jesus is the resurrection and the life. He is the life of all those who are His. If, therefore, they die, they shall again live, because believing in Him, and the blessedness of being a believer was emphasized. Then, as regarded the beloved one whom we were going to bury, it was pointed out that she was with Christ, and that what we were about to sow in corruption, dishonor, weakness—a natural body—Christ would raise incorruptible, in glory, in power, a spiritual body. With these remarks, and thanksgiving to God for His grace to our dear friend in saving, keeping, and granting her to pass away so happily, her remains were laid in the tomb.
The young foreigner whose conversion she so longed for was present. She had heard of her friend’s death, and that she had “died happy.” This aroused in her mind a great desire to know how she could die happily. The remarks made at the funeral as to the resurrection of the body of the believer, and the evident joy which filled the heart of the one who prayed, and gave thanks, because of the assurance that she who had passed away was then with the Lord, and in the eternal rest of His presence and love, was used of God to thoroughly awaken her to a sense of her sin, need, and danger, and after some weeks of great distress of mind, she came where I was preaching the Word of God, received the gospel, and found the Lord as her own Saviour.
How wonderful are God’s ways. Truly He is found of them that seek Him not, and really at heart want Him not, till His grace produces a sense of need. So was it with my patient. So with her sister, and her young friend, who both now go on their way rejoicing in Christ, witnessing for Him, and seeking to win others for Him, while the one who prayed for them, and in one case, never knew the prayer was answered, is in eternal rest.
And now, my dear reader, how is it with your soul? Are you yet saved? If not, let the foregoing tale of God’s grace lead you to trust His blessed Son. As 1900 dawns, let the new year mean a new history for you.
God’s word is true, “He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness” (1 Sam. 2:99He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail. (1 Samuel 2:9)). Where will you spend eternity, in light or in darkness? Which? It is quite possible that as you read these lines you may be in the enjoyment of perfect health, and think that a long life is before you. Do not forget that you have no lease of life, and that no prolonged space may be granted to you to get “ready.” Again the Lord’s coming is at hand. His coming will be the judgment-knell of the unready. I implore you to heed His word “while ye have light, believe in the light that ye may be the children of light” (John 12:3636While ye have light, believe in the light, that ye may be the children of light. These things spake Jesus, and departed, and did hide himself from them. (John 12:36)).
W. T. P. W.