Perhaps we each feel our lack of being able to truly comfort others. If so, it is well, for a man full of self-confidence and pride will never be able to render the sympathy of the meek and lowly Jesus.
Edward Dennett poignantly wrote that “sympathy is the rarest of all ministries, as it is also the sweetest; it makes no show in the world, but it leaves its mark.”
Although well-meaning, we may, in seeking to be of comfort to others who are suffering, make the mistake of telling them of someone worse off than themselves. While (at least as the saying goes) “misery loves company,” we must recognize that there is little real relief in knowing of the “worse” problems of others.
We are exhorted to “weep with them that weep” (Rom. 12:1515Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. (Romans 12:15)). Attempts to distract or make light of others’ despondency will only increase their misery and agitation. “As he that taketh away a garment in cold weather, and as vinegar upon nitre, so is he that singeth songs to an heavy heart” (Prov. 25:2020As he that taketh away a garment in cold weather, and as vinegar upon nitre, so is he that singeth songs to an heavy heart. (Proverbs 25:20)).
Scripture gives us examples of those who were comforted of God. It also teaches us by contrast; thus there are examples in Scripture of those who inflamed the grief of others through insensitive and thoughtless remarks.
Job’s Friends
Job knew grief, perhaps as none other, except the Son of God, when He came into the world. In one day he lost his extensive possessions, his servants, his livelihood, means of travel, and all of his children (for whom he had prayed continually) in death. One reported disaster followed another until, bowed in grief, he uttered some of the most sublime words in human history: “The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” And God’s eternal record declares, “In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly” (Job 1:21-2221And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. 22In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. (Job 1:21‑22)).
Following this, Job was stricken with intense bodily pain. But remaining steadfast in his integrity, even to the point of reproving his wife who wished for his suffering to end but by wrong means (cursing God), he uttered those memorable words: “What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?” Again the Scripture records, “In all this did not Job sin with his lips” (Job 2:1010But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips. (Job 2:10)).
But then his three friends, who initially came to sympathize with him, turned against him, and understanding neither Job nor the heart of God, began to accuse this righteous man of hidden sins and hypocrisy. It was in answer to this relentless barrage of false accusations that Job burst forth with his complaint that they were all “miserable comforters.”
Verbally attacking or insinuating evil to someone going through deep trial is at best poor judgment and poor timing. More candidly, such conduct is unconscionable from anyone who has learned anything of the heart of God. Even when He must afflict one of His own because of unchecked willfulness, it is for the blessing of that child.
Jonadab
David likewise experienced unspeakable sorrow and loss in his immediate family. Distressed over the report of the death of all his sons at the hand of his son Absalom, David tore his clothes in anguish and prostrated himself in grief (2 Sam. 13:30-34).
At this delicate moment, Jonadab (who had devised and recommended the plan of wickedness Amnon perpetuated against his half sister Tamar, for which Absalom exacted revenge) then approached David, rationalizing the tragedy. He downplayed the report, in effect exhorting David to “calm down; the situation isn’t as bad as you are making it out to be. After all, only Amnon is dead — not all of your sons as we first heard. So don’t take this unfortunate situation so hard.”
Such callousness is hard to understand. But a man who would brazenly encourage wickedness of a man’s son towards that same man’s daughter had already demonstrated he was “past feeling” (Eph. 4:1919Who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness. (Ephesians 4:19)).
While we shrink from such effrontery, we may unconsciously compound the grief of others by minimizing the trial they are enduring.
Joab
As Absalom slew Amnon in subtlety, so Absalom came to his end by the shrewd and ruthless hand of Joab.
Not surprisingly, Joab, in a similar vein of not entering into David’s sorrow at Absalom’s tragic death, sought to shame him out of his sorrow with cruel and biting words.
“The king covered his face, and the king cried with a loud voice, O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son! And Joab came into the house to the king, and said, Thou hast shamed this day the faces of all thy servants, which this day have saved thy life, and the lives of thy sons and of thy daughters, and the lives of thy wives, and the lives of thy concubines; in that thou lovest thine enemies, and hatest thy friends. For thou hast declared this day, that thou regardest neither princes nor servants: for this day I perceive, that if Absalom had lived, and all we had died this day, then it had pleased thee well. ... Then the king arose, and sat in the gate” (2 Sam. 19:4-6,8).
Read this portion with a father’s heart and its devastating heartlessness will be felt.
Shaming someone because of their sorrow is, to quote the human proverb, “rubbing salt in the wound.”
These are not the only portions in Scripture that illustrate “miserable comforters,” but these three gripping incidents teach us not to level accusations against those who are suffering, nor to minimize their suffering or to shame their tears, but rather, to be as Ezekiel, who took knowledge of his brethren who had been taken captive and “sat where they sat” (Ezek. 3:1515Then I came to them of the captivity at Tel-abib, that dwelt by the river of Chebar, and I sat where they sat, and remained there astonished among them seven days. (Ezekiel 3:15)).
W. J. Brockmeier