BEING brought up in the fear of, God by my parents, I was very early in life deeply impressed with the importance and necessity of religion. I used to have thoughts such as these: If I spend my life in pleasure and sin, without making any preparation for death, even should I live to be old, death will come, and what will it be to be unprepared at the last? But how was the preparation to be made. I had heard much about conversion, and thought that it was a thorough change of heart, which took place instantaneously, and that when this took place I should be enabled to love God, and love everything good, and for this I prayed and tried to live.
As a little boy I had been condemned for playing on Sunday, so I gave it up, and left the other boys; but still the looked-for change did not come. Perhaps I was not religious enough, I thought. Friends began to talk to me, and once at a prayer meeting, as they were speaking to me, and asking me if I didn't think the Lord had forgiven me, I was led to answer "yes." But I was never satisfied. A dream gave me some hope, for I thought the judgment day had come, and that ever so many of us children had to go before the Judge, one at once. But to my great pleasure, when my turn came, the Judge smiled. However, resting in the dream did not satisfy me.
Then I tried praying more earnestly, and went to the penitent form time after time, till I was told I didn't half pray; but I felt no more satisfied.
I had heard from the pulpit that we must be willing to do anything, and go anywhere, if we would be saved, and this troubled me.
What was I to do, what could I give up, in order to get the satisfaction and rest I longed for? But no rest came.
Then I began to look upon God as a hard master, requiring hard things, and the more I tried to do as conscience told me, the more I was condemned, and the more in earnest I was in seeking, the further off I seemed. Everything I did appeared to be done with a wrong motive, till I began to say in my heart it is of no use trying, let come what may I can do no more. However, all the time there was a secret thought in my heart that I was wrong in my ideas respecting faith and conversion.
At this time I began to turn to the Word of God, and to think of passages of Scriptures like these: “Whosoever believeth that Jesus is the Christ is born of God." (1 John 5:11Whosoever believeth that Jesus is the Christ is born of God: and every one that loveth him that begat loveth him also that is begotten of him. (1 John 5:1).) “This is the work of God, that ye believe on Him whom He hath sent." (John 6:2929Jesus answered and said unto them, This is the work of God, that ye believe on him whom he hath sent. (John 6:29).) Thus I began to think of Christ as my Savior and Friend, as the One who loved me, and had paid my debt, and so I began, without knowing it, to believe and to trust in Him.
As I began in this way to rest upon Christ, and to cultivate living to Him, and looking to Him, love began to spring up in my heart for what He has done. As I have been enabled to lay hold of Christ in this way as my Savior, I have felt my desires strongest to live right and to glorify God by a consistent life.
I am now getting on in years, and can say,
"Now I have found the ground whereon
Sure my soul's anchor may remain;
The wounds of Jesus. . .”
Faith is now to me a believing on Christ that He is what He is said to be, even the Savior of sinners; and that He did what He is said to have done, that He died to save us from sin and its consequences. I am a sinner, and I rest on Him for salvation. Assisted by the Spirit of God, I look to Christ, and desire to follow Him. When this faith is exercised the mind is drawn heavenward. J. K.