IN my early Christian life I was greatly troubled and often called in question the reality of my conversion, because I had not passed through the deep exercises of soul of which I had heard some speak, and of which I read, especially in the Life of John Bunyan. Having been brought up under Christian Influence, and having been the subject of religious impressions from my earliest childhood, I was led in a more gentle way to faith in Jesus Christ, the light coming to me like the dawn of day. But I was so troubled concerning the work of the law, that I secretly longed to pass through it rather than be deceived. What I longed for came to pass. For a considerable time I walked in great darkness and bitter bondage, and was daily assailed by fierce temptations. Such was my distress of mind that I would gladly have given or endured anything for peace of conscience; indeed, so distracted was I one day, that I thought my mind would lose its balance― it was difficult to attend to the ordinary duties of life. But in due time God graciously restored me, and gave me to see how mistaken I had been in measuring myself by others, and in not trusting Him utterly and alone. I will briefly state some of the lessons taught me, in the hope that others may profit by them.
First. I was taught that deep exercises do not of themselves make the soul humble before God. Indeed, it is possible to be proud of deep experience, to set it up as a standard by which you measure others, and to look upon all who do not reach that standard with suspicion. I found myself in danger of falling into this temptation.
Second. I saw that I had been limiting God by looking for uniformity in His dealings with His people. Instead of trusting Him to lead me as He should choose, I wanted Him to lead me like others. God has His plan for each one in conversion and in after life and usefulness.
Third. I found that I had overlooked, and consequently made light of, His preventing grace. That I had not gone so far into sin as others was due to His preventing grace alone, and in this I was an equal debtor with those who had been rescued from deep and open sin, since, if left to myself, I should have been like to them.
Fourth. I was led to see that the objective life is the truly healthy life. It is our highest happiness to be looking unto Jesus. Only as you face the sun is the shadow of self unseen. Let self in any form cross the path and come between the soul and Christ, and the sure result is darkness and unrest. I have found self-occupation to be weakness and doubt; while “not I, but Christ,” is life indeed.
Fifth. I had repeated proofs of the tender mercy of God while passing through this season of temptation. He kept me from despair, gave me times of relief, spoke to me by His Word, and, finally, delivered me. Notwithstanding my sin and folly, He did not take away His loving-kindness from me, or suffer His faithfulness to fail. O. T.
“Nothing but Christ for darkest hours;
In Him our trust ‘mid Satan’s powers;
Though tempests rage and troubles flood,
Nothing but Christ―the Christ of God.”