IT is now some years since, as a lad, I resided in one of the suburbs of London, under the care of a somewhat austere aunt, who (probably because she seldom entered a place of worship herself) considered it necessary for me to attend church twice every Sunday, and most proper to go to Sunday school in the afternoon. These observances being compulsory, I was a most regular attendant, and most punctilious in what was thought to be the basis and groundwork of a good Christian life.
All went well for some time, and eventually my teacher considered me a fit subject for confirmation. With my aunt’s consent, I was taken in hand and duly prepared for the laying on of hands. This process occupied some weeks, and in due time I became capable of giving a correct answer to my Lord Bishop’s questions; so I was passed on to the priest in charge for a little more drilling, examination, and cross-examination. After one or two such interviews he said, “Now, next Monday night, you must bring me a written list of your sins.”
I was astonished, but said nothing, and wended my way homeward, wondering what it all meant. That night no sleep came to my eyes, “a list of my sins―a list of my sins―how shall I begin? ―where shall I leave of? ―must so and so go down? ―I cannot put that down,” &c. A thousand and one such thoughts passed through my mind that night and the following day. I was so upset that my aunt asked, “What is the matter?” Having heard the story, she was highly indignant, and said the whole thing was preposterous, and told me to take no notice of what the clergyman had said.
On Monday night I went to the church as usual, and after waiting some little time the priest came over to me and said, “Give me your list.” “I have not brought one.” “Why not?” “I could not think of them all.” “You can think of some?” “Yes, more than I should have time to write, of paper whereon to write them.” “Then why have you not brought some written down?” “I should not like you to know them.” “But I must.” “But you never will.” “Nonsense, come up to the altar with me now, and confess them verbally.” “No, never.” “Well, I cannot present you as a candidate on Wednesday unless I have that list, so I will give you until tomorrow night to prepare, and if you do not bring that confession to my house by eleven o’clock, it is useless for you to attend the confirmation.” “Very well, Mr. C—, do not trouble to look for me, I shall not be there.”
I returned home deeply troubled about my sins, and the thought came to me over and over again, “If the clergyman does not know them, God does.” Many were the sleepless nights I passed through, my sins were bound upon me, and what a fearful load; how they bowed me down. Oh that I could get rid of them, if only someone were competent to remove that awful burden, how thankful I should be! Week in and week out this dreadful load I carried, no rest could I find. Although still attending church regularly, no one told me how to get rid of this awful load of sin; the service and sermons but bound them closer. I said, “Lord, have mercy upon us miserable sinners,” but would He?
I was a miserable sinner indeed, my sins made ma one. Well, how can I get rid of them? Say the Catechism. Repeat the Lord’s Prayer. I said, “Lord, incline my heart to keep this law,” but He did not. He only said, “What about the past?” Ah, my sins. If only someone could have said those blessed words, “The blood of Jesus Christ, God’s Son, cleanseth us from all sin” (1 John 1:77But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin. (1 John 1:7)), how happy I should have been; but there was none near to help me, so I gradually became hardened, and sank into absolute indifference.
Passing on to manhood, I threw overboard all religious profession, and gave serious attention to pastime and pleasure, week-days and Sundays alike. But in spite of it all the old question would crop up again sometimes, and “What about your sins?” would ring in my ears, only to be dismissed from my mind at the earliest possible opportunity, as, led captive by the devil, I pursued the pleasures of sill, which are but for a season. Presently I was brought much into the company of an earnest Christian young man, who lost no time in tackling me about eternal matters. I scoffed, jeered, and ridiculed all that he spoke about, making light of weighty matters, though inwardly convicted of their importance. He spoke about forgiveness of sins. I said, “No one can possibly know their sins are forgiven.” He said, “But my sins are forgiven.” However, I laughed the matter off, as I did not wish to then consider these things.
About this time several other Christian young men began to take an interest in me, and to speak about a Saviour of sinners, but they were shocked by my levity and apparent indifference; still they would not leave me alone, and one night I was greatly sobered by a remark of one of these young men who said, “You can laugh yourself into hell, but you can never laugh yourself out.” That agitated my mind, reviving all the horrors of my first conviction, when God spoke to me through that clergyman. Thenceforward I was haunted, not only by the load of sin resting upon me, but the terrors of hell before me. How I longed for salvation; eagerly seeking the quietude of some country fields, night after night I gazed into the starry heavens, as if by some strange chance something might occur in them to let the light into my dark and dreary soul.
Now thoroughly in earnest, I began to wait upon God, that He would show me what I must do to remove the awful burden of sin. For some weeks I went on this line; still God did not tell me what to do. But one night I was persuaded to go and heat a certain preacher, who chose for his text, “Zacchæus make haste and come down” (Luke 19:55And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zaccheus, make haste, and come down; for to day I must abide at thy house. (Luke 19:5)), and he commenced by saying, “Some people have done such a lot that they are too high up for the lowly Jesus; they have climbed such a long way heavenwards by their own efforts, they do not care to come down, and begin with Jesus, who cry the cross could cry, It is finished’ (John 19:3030When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost. (John 19:30)).” Thank God, I came down at the Saviour’s command, and He said unto me, “Thy sins are forgiven thee. Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace” (Luke 7:48-5048And he said unto her, Thy sins are forgiven. 49And they that sat at meat with him began to say within themselves, Who is this that forgiveth sins also? 50And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace. (Luke 7:48‑50)).
“O Christ, in Thee my soul hath found,
And found in Thee alone,
The peace, the joy I sought so long,
The bliss till now unknown.”
Since then my sins have never once troubled me, because Jesus said, “Thy sins are forgiven thee”; and God’s Word clearly says, “Through this Man is preached unto you the forgiveness of sins; and by him all that believe are justified from all things” (Acts 13:3838Be it known unto you therefore, men and brethren, that through this man is preached unto you the forgiveness of sins: (Acts 13:38)), and “God is just, and the justifier of him which believeth in Jesus” (Rom. 3:2626To declare, I say, at this time his righteousness: that he might be just, and the justifier of him which believeth in Jesus. (Romans 3:26)).
Dear reader, let me ask of you a favor. Before lying down to sleep tonight, get a piece of paper and write thereon the sins you have committed today. Mind, not all you have committed in your life, nor all this year, not this week, but this day only. Then ponder over the words of Jesus who said, “Ye shall die in your sins; for if ye believe not that I am he, ye shall die in your sins,” which means, there is no heaven for you unless those sins are removed. Then come with me to Isaiah 53, and see what God has done with those sins, not of a day, but of a lifetime; look at verse 6, note carefully the latter end of the verse, which says, “The Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.” Yea, “it is by his stripes we are healed,” blessed be His name. Now write across your list, “The blood of Jesus Christ, God’s Son, cleanseth us from all sin” (1 John 1:77But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin. (1 John 1:7)), and keep it for future reference in case Satan has anything to say to you.
S. W. M.