Love and Marriage
William (Bill) Prost
Table of Contents
Guiding Principles: Address 1
Those of you who were here last year will remember that we took up the subject of the various dispensations. Naturally, we get some feedback through various channels. In chatting to a sister after the meetings were over (not one of the young people, but someone my own age who isn’t here this year), she made this remark in a joking sort of way, but nevertheless there was a bit of truth to it, “You know, the young people don’t particularly want to hear about the dispensations; they want to hear about love and marriage!” That stuck with me, and my initial reaction was “Sure, who doesn’t!” But you know, it stuck with me in a more serious note all year long. On several occasions during the past year, some rather serious difficulties and problems have come up with young people (and some not so young) because of a lack of understanding of what the Word of God has to say about these things. So I thought maybe this year we would talk about love and marriage.
I want to say at the outset that I feel very weak in launching out on a subject like this. I asked a few especially to pray that we would have the mind of the Lord, because it is a vast subject. In a few talks here this week we are not going to be able to cover it all. Books have been written about these things, but there are some important things that need to be emphasized—especially in the day and age in which we are living. With the Lord’s help, we will try to cover a few things well, rather than a lot of things superficially; and hopefully try and bring before us, above all, the truth and principles of God’s precious Word.
If you go out into the world, and to some extent into Christendom, you can pick up books without end on this subject. I am not saying you should not read them, because you can get help from many different sources on these things—some of them very good, some perhaps not so good. But there is one book that never leads us astray. There is one book that unfailingly gives us right principles—the Word of God.
If you have a piece of machinery and it is not working well, what do you do? Why, you go to the manual that is provided by the manufacturer. You might try and pull things apart if you have a mechanical bent of mind and perhaps figure out what is going on, but sometimes you get bogged down. We have here in our hands, if I may say so reverently, The Manual by The Manufacturer. The Word of God, as it says in Peter, gives us “all things that pertain unto life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3). So let me tell you that the answers to everything in the relationships of love and marriage and in all that goes along with it— home life and family life—are all found in the precious Word of God, and these answers are up to date for 1987.
I’d like to talk this morning about an introduction to these things, and I suppose we might call this talk “An Approach to Life.” Not just to love and marriage, but an approach to life in its entirety for the Christian. It is truth that I do not pretend to have fully learned myself. Perhaps no one here can say that they have. Nevertheless with God’s help let us try and put things in the right perspective before we get into specifics.
In John’s Gospel Chapter 12, beginning with verse 23, we read: “And Jesus answered them, saying, the hour is come, that the Son of man should be glorified. Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit” (vss. 23-24).
Now here are the verses I especially had before me: “He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal. If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will my Father honor” (vss. 25-26)
Now in Luke 18:28 we find, “Then Peter said, ‘Lo, we have left all, and followed thee.’ And he said unto them, ‘Verily I say unto you, there is no man that hath left house, or parents, or brethren, or wife, or children, for the kingdom of God’s sake, who shall not receive manifold more in this present time, and in the world to come life everlasting.”
We are not going to try to cover a lot of ground in this talk, but there is a point that I am going to belabor a little because it is so hard to get hold of.
Today we live in a world where man is put up at the front. If you read the secular magazines and the literature of today you will find that this “secular humanism”, as it is called, has taken priority in the thinking of people in this world. Man in himself is being put forward as being the object of life. So you read, for example, that when a prominent movie star in the United States was asked how she managed to be happy, her answer was “a good stiff dose of selfishness.” She said, “I do what I want when I want, and I put myself first.” I read an article in a magazine that asked (and this was particularly a women’s magazine addressed to wives and mothers), “Whom do you put first in your life?” Then it gave the advice, “Put yourself first, your husband next, and your children after that; then start branching out from there to your own immediate family, close friends, etc.” But the important thing was put yourself first, your own needs, your own happiness.
You read advertisements which say (and you see a person enjoying himself or buying something expensive) “This I do for me.” You have seen it, haven’t you? Yet when we turn to the Word of God we find that the wisdom of God is exactly the opposite of man’s wisdom.
As some of us were reminded in our younger days by brother Harry Hayhoe, “The wisdom of God is not an improvement on man’s wisdom, but it is diametrically opposite.” If you look at the world today and see what man has done, then you look at the principles in the Word of God, you’ll find that they are diametrically opposed. Man says, “Put yourself first, and gradually go down from there to the people that are closest to you,” but the Word of God says, “He that loveth his life shall lose it” (John 12:25).
It is particularly precious to me to read those verses in the 12th of John. I want you to think of them for a moment in the context in which they occur. I have often sat and meditated as to why the Lord Jesus interjected those two little verses there at that point in His earthly ministry. Here He was, just on the eve of going to the cross, and He was speaking about what was going to happen to Him as the corn of wheat that fell into the ground and died. He talks about Himself and how He was going to have to go to that cross, and then immediately following these words He speaks those awesome words, “Now is my soul troubled” (John 12:27).
We gloss over those verses rather easily, perhaps, but there is a depth in those verses that I cannot plumb: “Now is my soul troubled.” The Creator and sustainer of the universe has to say, “Now is my soul troubled.” Yet what does He put in there? Something for you and for me, addressed to the heart. Something that says, “Here am I, the one who left everything to come down into this world in order to go to Calvary’s cross and to die,” and then He puts in that little word, “He that loveth his life shall lose it, but he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal” (vs. 25).
You say, “Aren’t you straying a little from your subject? What does all this have to do with love and marriage?” Only this, that in today’s world you young people have thoughts and hopes and aspirations, and rightfully so, to a point. God has given us the joys of having a home, having a wife or husband, raising a family, having the enjoyment of these things which are necessarily a part of life down here and which He has given for the enjoyment of man and for the enjoyment of His children. But as Christians, we must keep things in perspective, and what I am trying to bring before you today is that, instead of saying “put yourself first,” and then being concerned for others, the Word of God says to put the Lord Jesus Christ and His things first, others next and then yourself last.
Let me tell you a story that illustrates this. Most of you have heard of Hudson Taylor, a missionary to China in the last century, and much used of the Lord. But what perhaps is not so generally known is that for some time before Hudson Taylor went to China, he had been very much attached to a young woman there in England. I am not sure whether they were engaged, but if not, they were very close to it. They were intending to be married, when he felt the call of the Lord to go to China. But his fiancee did not at all feel called to go to live her life and serve the Lord in that land, and she made it clear that she just was not going to go. What was he going to do? There was an opportunity to go. It wasn’t as easy to get there and back as it is today. He had to go by ship, and it was a long trip. The opportunity to go meant leaving her behind —perhaps never to see her again. You can imagine the turmoil in his soul—his love to the Lord, his wanting to go, his feeling that he was called to go, yet here was the girl he loved and wanted to marry. Well, he looked to the Lord about it and the Lord said, “Go.” He thought, “How am I going to tell her? How can I break the news to her that I want to go to China and that she can’t go?” But when he told her, she simply answered him, “I know what the answer is. I know what the Lord wants you to do. I want you to go and I want you to show everyone that you love the Lord more than you love me.”
Well, he went alone; and you know, the Lord is good. Some time after he arrived in China, he met a woman named Maria who genuinely shared his burden for the people of that land. They were later happily married, and Maria became a real companion in his work for the Lord. Many have felt that she was much more of a help and partner to him than the girl he left behind could ever have been. “Delight thyself also in the Lord and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart” (Psa. 37:4)
What I particularly had before me in telling you that story is that love and marriage are earthly relationships that God has given for the enjoyment of his people, but they are only relationships that exist down here. The Christian has a higher calling. Beloved young people, may I remind you that you have a friend that should mean more to you than anyone down here. Sometimes we get so involved in thinking that we need this or that, and then we feel that God is going to give it to us.
I can remember reading a story of a young woman who was talking to an older sister. She confided to the older sister, “I’m going to marry—,” a certain boy she had in mind. “Oh, how do you know that?” ‘Well, I really like him, I’m nuts over him.” “But how do you know that you are going to marry him?” “Well, because the Lord loves me and I know he’s going to give me what makes me happy.” Well, the older sister was wise and said, “How do you know that is what will make you happy?” “Well, because I do. I don’t think I could go through life without him.” “Oh, you couldn’t? And what if it isn’t the Lord’s mind that things should work out that way?” “But they are going to work out. The Lord is going to see that it works out.” Maybe you have heard that kind of talk before. I’ve heard it more than once. Not always from a sister either. I heard a young brother talk the same way.
You know what we need to get hold of—please turn to Romans 8:32. “He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?” If there is One in heaven who loved you and me enough to come down into this world and die for us, I say to you (as the apostle Paul said to the Romans), Is it possible that God would not give you that which would bring joy and happiness to your soul?
That brings us to another point, because you know sometimes we see in the lives of the saints of God untold tragedy, untold sadness, difficulties and problems and we say, “What has happened? Why so much sorrow and sadness?” Again I say, the Christian has a higher calling. Sometimes (and the tendency is in all of our hearts) we are wanting to be on the receiving end. We tend to be saying, “Lord, give me, give me, give me, I need that.” How much more blessed to be in the attitude of soul which says, “Lord, what wilt thou have me to do?” And if sometimes things don’t work out in our lives the way we expect it, if the right one doesn’t come along when we expect it, does it mean that the Lord has forgotten us? Sometimes we take that attitude. Does it mean that the Lord doesn’t love us and want us to be happy? No, it simply means that He in his infinite love and infinite wisdom is ordering your life according to His purposes. And is it a happy pathway? Indeed it is!
Who was the happiest man that ever walked through this world? Did you ever stop to think about that? The happiest man that ever walked through this world was the Lord Jesus. How was he the happiest man? Turn to Hebrews 12:2, “Looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.” What was the joy that was set before him? I used to think that it was the joy of having us with him, but I don’t believe that is the thought. The joy that was set before him (and I can’t emphasize this too strongly) was the joy of doing the Father’s will. There was such supreme joy in His soul in doing the Father’s will, that that blessed One gave up everything else in order to have it. This verse is written as an example for us.
What is the joy that is before you? Is it the joy of having a partner in life? The joy of having a home, a family and all the things that perhaps you look forward to? That is all right. But there is a joy that is higher than that. The joy that was set before Him was to do the Father’s will. That blessed will was that he should come down into this world and give up everything in order to do the Father’s will. That will was what brought you and me into blessing. You know, dear young people, I covet more of that attitude for myself, and I covet it for you, too, because the Lord can use and bless those who are seeking to do the Father’s will, those who forget about themselves. The world will say that in order to be happy you have to be occupied with yourself; you have to make sure you take every opportunity you get to do what you want to do and have the things you need; because if you don’t, everybody will take advantage of you, and pretty soon you will end up doing everything but what you want to do.
There is a danger, I admit, in getting too busy and not having time for yourself, but turn to Luke 22 and notice what the Lord Jesus said, starting with verse 24: “And there was also a strife among them, which of them should be accounted the greatest. And he said unto them, The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and they that exercise authority upon them are called benefactors. But ye shall not be so: but he that is greatest among you, let him be as the younger; and he that is chief, as he that doth serve. For whether is greater, he that sitteth at meat, or he that serveth? Is not he that sitteth at meat? But I am among you as he that serveth” (vss. 24-27).
Man’s wisdom would say that he that sitteth at meat is the greatest, and everyone else should serve him. That is man’s wisdom. The Lord says, “I am among you as he that serveth” (vs. 27).
Just before I came out here a letter came to my hand, and I’m going to read you part of it: “When the love of Christ is filling our hearts, we will be concerned about those who are dear to his heart; and in seeking in any little measure to serve them, we are brought closer ourselves to the Chief Shepherd. Our hearts expand and we can enjoy fellowship together with them in the things concerning Himself. But I do believe that if we are spending our spare time in seeking to serve Him, a service that will find its expression in seeking to meet the needs of others, we will not be so apt to be lonely, naturally speaking, but we will find joy to our souls in following in the footsteps of our blessed Master.” I was touched by that letter. You might be interested to know that it wasn’t written by an older brother. That letter was written by a brother in his 20’s to another in his 20’s. Do we have that spirit? I guess it wouldn’t hurt to tell you who wrote the letter. It is dated Aug. 1, 1933, and written by our late brother Ralph Rule to my Uncle Tom Dear, also now with the Lord. There was more in that letter; I didn’t copy it all out. But I was struck by the tone in it. I thought, “Isn’t that blessed!”
We need more of that spirit, dear young people. I speak in love because my heart is the same. I am speaking to my own heart. What we need is a heart that puts the Lord first, and then branches out to others, and just quietly leaves it with the Lord to work out the details of our own happiness. Will He do it? Indeed He will!
Have you found in your life that things have not worked out? I know that happens—I’ve talked to many young people. I’ve seen it in people of my own generation who had hopes and aspirations. I’ve seen the tears, heard the frustrations expressed when things didn’t work out, and I’ve felt it along with them. I’ve felt it sometimes when things didn’t work out in my own life the way I had expected, but then I was thankful that I was brought back to see the truth of what I have just read here.
Maybe the Lord is just trying to say, “Look up. I want your affections first and foremost.” Do you want affection down here? I’d love to give that to you, but the Lord loves us too much and paid too big a price for us just to give us everything we want and let us forget Him. Oh, you say, I wouldn’t forget the Lord. No, perhaps you wouldn’t, but there are some things that can only be learned in communion with the Lord and in solitude with Him. Sometimes the Lord doesn’t immediately give us everything we might think would be for our best in order that we might enjoy blessed communion with Him.
I don’t want to belabor the point; perhaps we’ve said enough. It’s more for the heart than anything else. I’ll just leave that with you. Now let us sing that hymn, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus,” but before we sing let me tell you a story about that hymn. Perhaps it is not too well known, because the writer of that hymn was a rather quiet, self-effacing man, Joseph Scriven, born in Ireland in 1819, I believe. Joseph Scriven came from a home which was very well to do, and naturally speaking (if you could put it this way) he had everything going for him. But then in his teens he got saved, and he suffered a lot of hardships from his family and his brother. (His brother, incidentally, wrote to someone that Joseph had become decidedly religious.) Well, Joseph in the process of time was not only saved, but gathered to the Lord’s name. He was engaged to be married to a young woman back there in Ireland, but just a few weeks before they were to be married, she drowned. I don’t know what that is like; I have never been through anything like that. A brother was telling us the other night about a man who lost a daughter to drowning. I don’t know what that is like either. To lose one’s fiancee’ only a few weeks before his marriage in that way would be terrible. He was a very sensitive man, most upset by the whole thing, and he immigrated to Canada. A few years later he wrote that hymn at the age of 28— a Friend We Have in Jesus. He never intended it as a hymn. He sent it to his mother, and it wasn’t until quite some time afterward that someone found it, was impressed by it and set it to music. But that isn’t all. He lived for many years in the area just north of Port Hope, on the shores of Lake Ontario, not too far from where I live. What did he do? He exemplified that verse, “He that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal” (John 12:25). He did some teaching, so he had an income, but he spent most of it on the poor.
The story is told how he used to go around and cut wood for poor people and help them out. Someone (who was a little better off, but needed someone to cut wood) said to her neighbor who had just gotten a lot of wood cut by Joseph Scriven, “Who’s the man who cuts wood for you? I’d like to get him to do some for me.” The neighbor told him the name, but she quietly said, “I don’t think he will cut the wood for you, though.”
“Why not?”
“Because you are able to pay for it. He usually does it for people that can’t pay.”
One time he was invited to a conference in Toronto. From Toronto to Port Hope is a quite a distance — about 60 miles. Joseph Scriven wrote back and said he would be glad to come. He was going to walk. A friend in Toronto sent him enough money not only to pay for the jorney by train but also to put him up while he was in Toronto. Joseph Scriven, as it is told, gave away the money to a poor family and walked anyway—60 miles and back again.
But there’s more. Again about the year 1860 when he was 40 or 41, he became attached to a woman in Canada, the niece of a family where he was acting as a tutor to the children. Again he was engaged to be married, and then again, a few weeks before they were to be married, she caught pneumonia and the Lord took her home. Didn’t the Lord love Joseph Scriven? Was there something in his life that the Lord was speaking to him about? I don’t know; it is not for me to say. I rather doubt it. I am persuaded it wasn’t discipline in the government of God that caused the Lord to take away his loved ones. No, it brought out a sweetness from that Blessed One in the Glory that was exemplified in his life. In Psalm 45, it speaks of the Lord’s garments smelling of myrrh and aloes and cassia. Myrrh speaks of beauty but it is when it is crushed that its beauty comes out. Sometimes the beauty of Christ can only shine forth in us when we go through difficulties and problems. Joseph Scriven never did get married. He was taken home to be with the Lord at the age of 67, but his work bears fruit.
A Christian isn’t to look for recognition in this world, but Joseph Scriven did get recognition. The people in that area were so impressed with the service that he had rendered in his life, that they actually raised a monument to him there because they thought so much of him. He never knew that—and he wouldn’t have wanted it.
If he knew that “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” had been sung so widely, he would be profoundly amazed. He never intended it that way. He never wanted to be in the public eye, but the Lord has used him in blessing (I don’t suppose it would be exaggerating to say) to literally thousands of people through a life that saw sorrows and sadness.
I don’t say the Lord will necessarily lead you and me in that pathway. The Lord has given me a very happy home and I am thankful for it, but let us never forget that there is One who wants our affections above everything. He says, “He that loveth his life shall lose it, and he that hateth his life in this world”—he that is willing to give up everything in this life for me, the Lord says he will not lose it. He will have a joy down here that will surpass anything and he will have treasures in heaven. I just make these few remarks as an approach to the whole subject of the relationships in a Christian life because it is a lesson that is hard to learn—especially in the day and age in which we live.
Let us sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” in closing.
Leadership and Love - Men: Address 2
This morning I would like to speak particularly to the young men here. Now the girls can listen too—but their turn will come tomorrow. To repeat what we said yesterday, it is better to cover a few things well than try to cover everything. A brother back home said that in spiritual things it is better to use a rifle than a shotgun, and he was right.
I want to speak on two subjects that are very much on my heart—Leadership and Love. First I would like to speak about Leadership. Let’s turn to a few verses from the Word of God; the first verses are in the beginning of the Bible, in Genesis 2, verses 8, 15, and 19:
“And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.... And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it... And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.”
“For Adam was first formed, then Eve” (1Tim. 2:13).
“But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God” (1 Cor. 11:3).
“For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man” (1 Cor. 11:8-9).
Again I say this is particularly going to be for the young men, and I hope you young ladies will bear with me if the comments are a little one-sided. You know that the subject of the relationships of men and women and positions of headship in this world is (if I might use the common language) a pretty hot one, isn’t it? But as our brother Gordon Hayhoe has often mentioned (and it bears repeating), “If the man takes the position of headship and leadership simply because he wants it, and says ‘I’m going to have it,’ then he has no more right to it than the woman; but if God puts him in that position, then he is bound before the Lord to take that position.” I don’t like to use the word ‘authority’ in connection with it, because although the Scripture does use that word in certain cases, I think the word ‘leadership’ is more what is implied in the Word of God.
Young brothers and older ones too, I say to you right at the outset of the meeting that God has put you in a position of leadership in this world. It didn’t start with Christianity, although Christianity has modified this position and brought the name of Christ into it all so that we have an even greater responsibility than men had in the Old Testament. Nevertheless at the beginning, the Word of God tells us in Genesis and brings it before us again in the New Testament, that man was created and given the place of headship in creation.
You may say, “That’s good. That’s what I like to hear.” I have heard men in this world try and quote the Word of God to support their position. You know it has far more to it than that, because leadership brings before us privilege and responsibility.
I might pass on a remark that Mr. Wigram made many years ago, and it stuck with me. You can find it if you look in his written ministry. He makes this comment, that when things go astray in God’s creation, when things go astray in the assembly, when things go astray in the Christian home, generally speaking it is because the man has failed first in his position of leadership and responsibility. I read that quite a few years ago and it was a bit of a surprise to me. I started making observations and I started right here with myself. I made observations in my own home and my own life, and I made observations in the lives of others with whom I came in contact. Do you know what? He was right! In fact I cannot think of a single case where ultimately the difficulty didn’t start with the man.
Now before you girls start to say, “Well that’s what we expected to hear,” I hasten to say that very often when the man got out of his place, the woman got out of her place. She tended sometimes to go further than the man in getting into difficulties and making a mess of things.
Morally a woman can rise higher than a man, but she can sink lower. That is well known. I remember my own mother telling me that when I was a teenager. On the street we saw a woman who was under the influence of alcohol. My mother with tears in her eyes said, “A woman can rise higher than a man, but she can sink lower.” So when the man fails, the woman fails too; and it started off right in the Garden of Eden. Adam should have been at his wife’s side, but he wasn’t there and she was the one who was led into temptation to eat of the forbidden fruit.
So first and foremost young men and young brothers in Christ, God has put you in the position of leadership. The question is, are you taking that position and filling it properly? We read those verses in Genesis and I Timothy, but then we read that verse in 1 Corinthians 11, and that puts everything into perspective, doesn’t it? “The head of every man is Christ.” Isn’t it significant that that is put in there first?
I can remember (it kind of dates me a little bit!) sitting in a general meeting in Detroit, Michigan in 1960. I was a teenager then. I was sitting in the front row during a gospel meeting with a lot of other young men, some of them older than I and some I looked up to. I remember after the meeting a dear elderly sister who is now with the Lord, just quietly said, “You know, I just pray to the Lord that he will keep all those young men that were sitting with you in that front row.” I can remember a few years ago, a dear brother who is still with us saying, “What a future for those gathered to the Lord’s name, if all the young men went on in the truth.” How do we do it? The head of every man is Christ.
Young brothers, you cannot exercise your place of leadership and headship, unless you recognize the headship of Christ. Sad to say we often see today where men are setting aside their responsibilities in this area.
May I be a little bit practical? Sometimes I see young men who come to the meetings and I know they love the Lord, because I get to know them a little, and I know that they want to please the Lord. I know they don’t have any real difficulty in opening their mouths, at least they don’t in normal everyday life, because I hear them. If you chat with them in private conversations there is no problem there. But when they come to the meetings, you see them sitting there when a hymn is being sung with their mouths closed, because it isn’t “cool” to sing too loud. I don’t know whether that happens to anyone here, but I have seen it happen. Or I have seen young brothers who were afraid to speak a word for the Lord because they felt that nobody else was doing it. What will other people think? But you know, fellows, God has given you that place of leadership; and if you remember that your head is Christ, that is the thing that you need to take to heart. As we heard yesterday, we have One who loved us enough to die for us, and now He is there in Glory and there has taken that position of headship. But down here He has given you a position of leadership.
If the men of this world took the position of leadership that they should, I believe you would find things falling into line. The woman would not get out of her place if the man filled his place.
I don’t think the brother involved would mind my telling this story. He doesn’t live anywhere around here, but he is a professional man and in the course of his professional activities he had a young woman who was also aspiring to the same profession come and spend some time with him. She had very definite ideas about the positions of men and women in this world and particularly about men in general. The brother just quietly let all that blow by, and went on in the course of his professional activities with her. At the end of her time with him, she without any prompting from him or without his even bringing up the subject made this remark: “You know, you are the first man that I have come in contact with in the last few years that I have really been able to have some respect for.” Kind of interesting, isn’t it? Why was it? Because, sad to say, man has failed in his position of leadership. But here she saw a man (and I know that brother well so I can speak of him) who recognized that “the head of every man is Christ.” He didn’t take the position of headship and leadership with the idea that “I’m here and you are there and this is the way it is.” Oh, no. But there was that in him, which commended itself to her, as one who, while feeling his responsibility toward God, felt just as much his responsibility of headship and leadership in this world.
You know I covet that for you young brothers, because the sisters are watching you, maybe a little more than you think. And if you take the position that God has given you, then things will fall into line. So you find in the Word of God that when instruction is given to men and women or husbands and wives, generally speaking God singles out the man first.
Turn back for a verse that I’ve often enjoyed in Psalm 144. (Now you will notice that we are picking these verses out and very carefully leaving those that apply to the young ladies here. We will get to them!) Notice in verse 12, “That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth;” I like that expression. You say, “What does that mean? Does that mean that I have to act like the older brothers in the assembly? Does that mean that I have to walk around with the same bearing, demeanor and attitude as the older ones?” No, it doesn’t mean that, because everything is only beautiful in its season, and when the blessed Lord was a boy in this world growing up, (I say it reverently) I believe he exhibited perfection—but at the age at which He was. So when at the age of 12 He went up to the temple, it specifically says that He was there with the doctors of the law hearing them and asking them questions. He never lost His dignity as the Son of God, but there was perfection there in keeping with his age at that time.
Here it speaks of being grown up in our youth. What does that mean? I believe that means feeling the truth of 1 Corinthians 11:3, “the head of every man is Christ.” I’ve talked to young men (and what a joy it is to speak to those who feel responsibility toward the Lord) who feel responsibility in the assembly and take these things seriously. Can we do that? Indeed we can, and it is a real encouragement to your older brethren and an encouragement to the sisters too to see that here is someone who wants to go on for the Lord. You young brothers have the privilege of taking that position of leadership and headship.
Again I say it has to be done with the recognition that you have a Head in heaven. The more that you and I recognize that we have a Head in heaven, and the more we recognize the claims of Christ and the more He fills our hearts, oh the more that position of headship and leadership will be taken—but tempered with all the love and grace that our blessed Lord exhibited.
So, I throw out the challenge to the young men here—this is where the Word of God has placed you, both in the temporal scene and in the assembly. Now things have been turned upside down in the world of today. When you go out into the work force, or when you go to college, you are going to find that the principles of God’s Word are being set aside. Well, we cannot change the world, can we? No, we cannot, and if I find myself in a situation where the principles of God’s Word have been turned aside, I simply submit to the order that God has given me and leave it at that. Let me give you an example. Some of us go over to the detention home in Toronto where we speak to the young offenders there who are charged with serious crimes. It so happens that at present the superintendent of that home is a woman; and the so-called chaplain of that home who holds overall responsibility for the religious services is also a woman. Godly order? No! But when it comes to submitting to the authority that is there, we go along with it. But we are able to maintain, you might say, our independence in spiritual things so that they don’t interfere at all with what we do. Nevertheless when it comes to what is allowed and what is not allowed, we submit to the authority because God says “the powers that be are ordained of God.”
But when it comes to the assembly, God has given us an order which needs to be maintained. He has given us the privilege of leadership and headship.
Let’s jump off that from that point to family life. What about that? Again I say to the young men here, most of whom are not married (but some drifting dangerously in that direction!): In the course of time, if the Lord leaves us here, a good many of you will set up homes of your own. I say to the young brothers, you have the responsibility in that home for not only temporal, but spiritual leadership. And you know that if the spiritual leadership is there, the temporal things will fall into line.
One brother many years ago in a general meeting made a remark just in passing, but it stuck with me, and I leave it to you to meditate on it a little bit, because it takes a little meditation. He said, “You know, the Lord Jesus Christ, when He came into this world, was Prophet, Priest and King.” Not that He acted in that capacity altogether in this world, but now in Glory He occupies that position—Prophet, Priest and King. And we have that expression in our Little Flock hymnbook, “Thou Prophet, Priest and King.” “Well,” the brother said, “every brother in his home has the responsibility of being prophet, priest and king.” Oh, you say, “Come on, what do you mean by that?” Think about it for a little bit. A king exercises leadership and authority. A priest brings his people, and in this case the family, into relationship with God and leads them in their relationship with the Lord. A prophet brings before his family the mind of God as revealed in His Word.
I’ve thought a lot about that remark and the more I’ve thought about it, the more I shudder. I said, “Lord, I cannot fill that role.” But the Lord says in His Word to me, “Yes you can!” Because if you recognize that the head of every man is Christ, then you can draw from that source and distribute it to your family. And so when the Lord Jesus was here on earth, the disciples were worried about how they were going to feed the 5,000. The Lord Jesus said, “Give ye them to eat.” “Oh,” the disciples said, “how can we do that? We only have a few loaves and a few small fishes here. We can’t feed them.”
Well, they didn’t realize they could draw on a source that would feed that 5,000 and still have some left over. Husbands (and those who will be husbands when you set up a home of your own), the onus (responsibility) is on you—not only for leadership in temporal things, but also in the things of God.
May I say this: If you exercise the leadership that you should, things will fall into line. It’s very rare that things will go wrong in a marriage if the husband on the one hand is occupied with Christ, and on the other hand is seeking to minister Christ to his family.
Someone has made a good remark, “It is easy for a wife to submit to a husband who loves her, and it is easy for a husband to love a wife who submits to his leadership.”
Well, it works both ways; but just to pass another remark: “When we come to marriage, it not a question of a 50-50 proposition, it is a question of each being 100% for the other and both being 100% for the Lord.” Again that is not original with me, but it bears repeating.
Perhaps enough on leadership. Now let’s talk a bit about love. This is something that is very difficult for me to talk about because when we think of the love that brought the Lord Jesus Christ down into this world we have to say we can’t really talk about it as we’d like to. On the other hand we can talk about love because God always sets before us the perfect example.
Let’s turn for another verse in the Word of God, (a verse that you might not expect us to turn to) in 1 Peter 3 just toward the end of verse 8: “Love as brethren.”
Now turn to 1 John 4:21: “And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.”
One more verse: 2 Samuel 1:26. (This is a very sad chapter, but there is a little verse tucked in here that can be a help and encouragement to all of us.) “I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.”
I say this generally to the sisters as well as the brothers. First of all, before we talk about the kind of love that can exist between a man and a woman, there is a love that can exist in the Lord between individuals of the same sex, which is something—as David says here — “passing the love of women.”
Now I don’t know quite how to express this, and I hope you will understand if we try. Someone has said, “Language is the only vehicle on which thoughts can travel, but sometimes it is not a very good vehicle.” But those who have experienced it will know what we are talking about when we say that the kind of love that can exist between two brothers or two sisters in Christ is something which is true and real, as we read about it here in II Samuel. It is different from the kind of love one might feel for his wife, and yet there is a depth there that can be felt. I say to you young brothers, don’t feel that as soon as you get old enough (whatever age that might be considered to be), that you have to have a girlfriend or you don’t just quite feel fulfilled. Some of the best friendships that I ever made were made when I was single and I still have those dear friends to this day. The bond that existed between us is just something that I can’t explain, because it was based on the love that we both had for Christ, for the truth of God and for the desire to go on for Him, and for the encouragement that we, I trust, were able to be to one another. It is something that I would have missed if I had immediately thought that I had to take up with someone of the opposite sex and spend the rest of my time with her.
Now I don’t say this to make rules, because God leads each of us in different pathways and we cannot make rigid rules in the things of God. But I do say that there is a friendship and a joy in the love that we can have as brethren, which can’t really be experienced or explained in the relationships between two individuals of the opposite sex. Now I don’t mean to say that one cannot enjoy full fellowship. We will get to that in a moment or two. The wonderful fellowship and joys and love that can be experienced in the Lord in married life is something that I cannot explain to those who have not experienced it. It is a joy that as someone has said is second only to conversion. But yet there is a joy in having that love between two individuals of the same sex which has nothing to do with natural relationships, but which has as its object, Christ himself and all that He is. And you know that kind of love has existed all along.
Some years ago a book came into my hands in which there were some letters which had been exchanged between J. N. Darby and J. G. Bellett when they were both nearing the end of the journey. Mr. Bellett was on his deathbed and Mr. Darby was still in good health, but both were elderly. I read those letters that went between them and I thought of the love that existed there. Mr. Bellett was married, Mr. Darby was not. But there was a bond between them that brought tears to your eyes when you read the expressions between two men who had lived and walked with the Lord and served the Lord together for many years. There was a bond there that I cannot explain.
I challenge you young brothers to cultivate that bond. Cultivate the friendship of younger brothers. I read you part of a letter yesterday from Ralph Rule to my uncle Tom Dear. I didn’t have time to copy down much of it, but he made another remark along those lines. He said to my Uncle Tom, “Cultivate the friendship of the young brothers in your assembly. It will bear a lot of fruit in your life,” and it is true.
Our time is almost gone. Let’s read a couple more verses. This time we will talk about love between individuals of the opposite sex. First of all turn to Ephesians 5. These verses are so well known that I hardly need to read them, and yet it seems that every time we read them they have something fresh for us.
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Eph. 5:25).
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them” (Col. 3:19).
One more verse in 1 Peter 3:7: “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”
A few days ago, someone asked me the question, “What is the Greek word in Ephesians 5:25 for love?” Because you know that there are three words in the Greek language for love. There is the word “eros”; this is a very superficial kind of physical attraction. I’m not a Greek scholar, but I don’t think that word is ever used in Scripture. And there is another word “phileo” from which we get our words such as philosophy, which simply means the love that exists between individuals in natural life. It has the sense of being attached to, having affection for someone in natural relationships. But then we have the word “agape,” which is the word used for Divine love. This is the love that does not require a response on the part of the object. What is the Greek word in Ephesians 5:25? It is the word for Divine love. How could it be otherwise? If it says “as Christ loved the Church” then how could God switch verbs in midstream? It happens in John 21 where the Lord says to Peter, “Simon Peter, lovest thou me?” (Divine love.) Peter says “Yea Lord, thou knowest that I love thee,” but he used the other word “phileo.” Peter didn’t want to say he loved the Lord with Divine love. But here we find the word that is addressed to husbands is the same word as is used with Christ and the Church. That makes me hang my head, because how many of us would ever be able to say that we have loved our wives with Divine love? Yet that is the standard the Lord sets for us.
Young men, older men, this is where God puts you and me. We have the responsibility; and the motive for a husband loving his wife is not that she is beautiful, not that she responds to his love, although she does, not that she treats him properly, not that she keeps her place and all the rest of it, the motive is Christ.
I read a book some time ago and I was going to recommend it to you young people, but it is out of print. It said something to this effect, that sometimes (and I hope that it doesn’t happen to anyone here) a man and woman will get married and the husband will find out some time afterward that he made a mistake. Maybe he missed the mind of the Lord. What do you do now? Well you can do one of three things, naturally. You can do what the world would do. You can say, “This isn’t working. We are going to get a divorce.” Awful word! Totally contrary to the mind of God. Or you can build up a hard outer shell between yourselves and say “Well I can tough it out.” Or you can be crushed by it and bemoan the fact all the time that the woman you married just isn’t quite what you expected. But there is a fourth thing you can do which I believe the Scripture brings before us. I can remember an old brother bringing this before me when I was young, before I was married. He said, “Whatever you do, Bill, if you ever get married, love your wife through everything.” The motive for doing that takes you right out of yourself and right out of the marriage itself and takes you up to a risen Christ in Glory who loved the Church and gave Himself for it. That is one sided. I cannot picture a wife who wouldn’t respond to a love like that.
Our time is gone. Could I refer to one more verse that I think is important? We need to be practical. Turn to 1 Corinthians 7:1. This whole chapter has to do with the advisability and otherwise of individuals getting married and it is beyond the scope of this meeting to enter into that. We more or less covered that yesterday. I leave you to read the chapter for yourself. But the first verse is important. The Corinthians had evidently had a question about these things because they lived in a day when immorality was all over the place. It wasn’t thought anything of in the days in which Paul lived, especially in Greece. These things were rather glorified than condemned. They obviously had a question to Paul about some of these relationships and what should be done. Notice what Paul says, “Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.”
You say, “What does that mean”? Well, I don’t like to keep referring to Greek because I don’t know much of it, but if you look up the word for “touch” here, there is more than one word for touch in Greek. The word used for “touch” here is used elsewhere in the Word of God. It has kind of a double meaning as many Greek words do. They can be translated different ways and we just don’t have one English word that can convey all of the thought involved. That same word that is used for “touch” here is also used in other scriptures for “lighting a fire”. Young men, you know when you are lighting a fire. I don’t have to tell you that. I know when I am lighting a fire. The world knows, and I just caution you today. God’s word gives us instruction. I can remember many years ago our late brother Clifford Brown, laying some emphasis on this verse in a reading meeting, and the world was far better morally than it is today, because he has been with the Lord now 14 years. This was long before that—probably 25 or 30 years ago. He said, ‘This is heavenly wisdom for those who will listen to it.” The sadness and the sorrow that young people and older ones too bring into their lives would not happen if this verse were heeded. Do you have an attraction to someone from the opposite sex? Keep your hands off until the Lord shows you that this is the one that He wants you to marry. In fact I will go one step further which will probably bring some wrath upon my head but I just mention it to you. We don’t have a pattern in Scripture for going out on dates. Oh you say, “Hey! Wait a minute! Do you mean to tell me it is wrong?” No, I wouldn’t go that far, because the Lord leads each of us different ways. What I do say is that we do not find in Scripture the feeling that somehow this is the normal and proper pattern of life, and that as soon as we get old enough (whatever age that is) it is right and proper and according to the natural way of things that we should take this girl out and that girl out.
I don’t want to condemn it altogether, because sometimes we can get to know someone in that way and we can be a help to them. But I do say that a relationship that is not going anywhere and simply exists because we feel that we have to have someone for “a date”, is liable to degenerate into what we are warned about in this verse. One thing leads to another and we know what happens. I’ve been moved to tears more than once right here at Lassen by asking “where is so and so that was here last year?” Someone quietly tells me a sad story that started out with this warning not being heeded. Young men, the Word of God in the Old Testament and the New puts the burden on you. The world says the girl is the one who has to call the shots. No, the Word of God puts the responsibility on you, not on the girl.
So I just end with that remark and you will pardon me if I put some stress on that point, but I think it is important. It makes me a little uneasy when I see two young people who have gone out with one another for a few dates, walking hand in hand or with their arms around each other. Oh you say, that’s innocent enough. The Word of God gives us heavenly wisdom for those who will listen. Don’t light a fire, because once it is lighted, it is hard to put it out!
Position, Submission, Purity - Women: Address 3
We spoke to the young men yesterday, and today’s meeting will be for the young ladies. I want you to know that this is about the hardest meeting to take. It is relatively easy, in one sense, to speak to young fellows, because I am one of them. To speak to the young ladies is another matter. We have to rely only on the Word of God and what we find there.
I would like to speak this morning on three things. To repeat what we said at the beginning, we will try and cover a few things well, rather than try to run the whole gamut of everything. The three things are position, submission and purity.
First, let us turn to the book of Genesis. It is well in these things when we turn to the Word of God, and go back to the beginning, as we did yesterday. Turn to Genesis 2. We read some verses yesterday from this chapter, but we read only that which applied to the men. But here we find in Verse 20: “And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.”
Now go back to the 18th verse: “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Perhaps it should be translated, “one that is his equal.”
That is the only verse we are going to read on the matter of “position.” There will be others that we can refer to as we go on, but we find right here at the beginning that God created the man, put him in the Garden of Eden, and gave him the position of headship. That was exemplified by the way in which God gave him the privilege and right to name all of the created animals there. But here was Adam looking out on that creation; he sees every other animal with a mate, and he is left without one. True joy can only be experienced in sharing. Those of you who are married (or who are drifting in that direction!) have found that out. Joy can only be full when it is shared, and we find that exemplified in its greatest extent with Christ and the Church.
You will pardon me if I quote some old brothers, but sometimes what they said stuck with me. Again quoting brother Harry Hayhoe, “God was sufficient unto Himself in all things except in His love. He must have objects to love.” Here we find a beautiful picture of Christ and the Church. God looks down and He sees Adam there, alone. He said, “I am going to make him a helpmeet for him.”
You know, young sisters, this is where you come in. We will get to some verses in the New Testament in a little while, but we are talking for the moment about position. If you look at the world around you today, you will see, as we remarked already, that everything is upside down. The world would say, “There is no difference between men and women today, except physical. The woman should do everything the man does, and the man should do everything the woman does.” This is not according to the Word of God.
The Word of God says, “I will make him an helpmeet for him.” I don’t need to belabor the point. The man has certain characteristics which give him that which is needed to occupy the position of leadership and headship. The woman has been given characteristics equally precious which enable her to be the complement of the man. Don’t try to follow the wisdom of this world and level everything out. It pains me every day to see the sorrow and the sadness (we all see it as we have to go out in the world to earn a living, or go to school or whatever we may do) which has been brought into this world because men have thrown aside the truth of God’s precious Word. I speak not now particularly of Christianity, but in a general way. Where man has departed even in natural things from the truth of God’s precious Word, he has brought in nothing but difficulties and ruin. “I will make him an helpmeet for him.” Nothing is more beautiful. (Some of this is going to dovetail with the New Testament, so you will pardon me if some things overlap a little bit.) God has given you that most wondrous position of being a helpmeet to the man. Oh, you say, that is not what I want to do. Young sisters, that is what you are fitted for. That is the position in which God has placed you. You complement the man. You are not the same as he is.
Sometimes I get to travel around with people; and occasionally I get to travel with someone that I feel gets along well with me, because perhaps he has certain strengths where I have weaknesses and vice versa. We complement each other well. I’ll mention one example. (I’ll probably get in trouble for this if it gets back home, but I thought I would say it anyway!) I opened my suitcase this morning to get dressed, and I guess I’m the kind of a guy that just doesn’t have much color sense. I don’t know what goes with what, so I got very strict instruction before I left home—”now this goes with this and this goes with that.” Sometimes I leave home in the morning and when I come home at night my wife will look at me and say “Did you really wear that tie with that jacket? Well, it’s a warm day. I hope you took your jacket off when you got to the office.” Anyway, I opened my suitcase this morning and went to put on this shirt that I am wearing and there was a little note pinned to the front of it. At first I thought it was to tell me, “Don’t wear this with that pair of pants.” But you know, there it is, a little piece that said, “I’ll be praying for you today. I love you.” Then my wife signed her name. I thought of that a lot. There were two things that were brought in to that note. First of all, the Lord was brought in to it. There was the encouragement that someone who was not able to come with me this year, was at home praying for me. And young sisters, you can be an encouragement to the boys. Perhaps you don’t realize that what you say and do can be an encouragement. You may not be able to stand up in your local assembly and preach the gospel, but I’m telling you from personal experience how much it means to a young fellow, when perhaps he with trembling heart has stood up and opened his mouth for the first time, to have a sister come up and say, “I enjoyed the word the Lord gave you.” So you can be an encouragement in the Lord, and that is what the Lord wants you to be. It doesn’t have to be within the marriage relationship only. There are some girls here, perhaps the larger number, who are single. I don’t know how long that will last. Some of you may not get married; I don’t know what the Lord has for you.
I will tell you a little story just to show that “I will make an helpmeet for him” is not limited to those who are married. It happened, I would judge, 50 to 60 years ago in my home assembly, and it was told to me by the brother involved. He is still with us, in his 80’s now. He told me of how, many years ago, when he was a young man sitting up on the front row on Lord’s Day morning (in what they used to call “bachelors row” where all the young fellows sat); he had a hymn laid on his heart to give out. The Spirit of God brought it before him very strongly, but he hadn’t the courage to give it out, and so he didn’t. After the breaking of bread, another brother gave that hymn out. Well, he felt somewhat rebuked, because the Lord laid that on his heart. He went outside after the meeting, and there was the usual socializing and talking. He fell into conversation with an older sister. (She was single all her life and went to be with the Lord at the age of 95. She was a very much beloved sister. Her memories went back a long way; she remembered sitting on J. N. Darby’s knee.) While talking to this young brother, she said to him in her own quiet way, “Brother, I enjoyed the meeting this morning, but I fear someone quenched the Spirit.” He began to shake a little bit. Then she said, “That hymn (and she named the hymn) that we sang after the breaking of bread should have been given out before the breaking of bread. I had hoped that some brother would give it out.” Poor brother, he had to look up at her and say, “Sister, I’m the one”.
“I will make him an helpmeet for him.” We read in the Book of Judges about a prophetess by the name of Deborah. We find that things were in a low state in Israel and it didn’t seem that the men had taken the position of leadership that they should have, and God had to use her to reveal His mind to a man named Barak. He didn’t have the courage to go out and go into battle himself. He said, “I want you to go with me.” She said, “All right, I will go with you,” but she didn’t step out of her place, and the Lord used her remarkably. So I say to you (I don’t want to belabor the point), “I will make him an helpmeet for him.” May the Lord give you grace to take that position from Himself. Don’t try and assume the position that the man has. It won’t work. The disorder and the sadness in this world, and, I might add, the disorder in the Church of God when these truths are laid aside, is something which we see around us all the time. “I will make him an help meet for him,” and it will be a real joy to your own soul to fill that role. You say, “How do you know”? I have talked to sisters who have experienced it. I have talked to some who have found their joy and fulfillment in being the one who sought to be a help meet to a brother—who sought to be the one who encouraged him in the Lord, and you, too, can encourage young brothers in the Lord.
I will tell you another story before we go on. A few years ago I went to college in the city of Toronto. It was traditional there among the young people that when you got to be 21 they threw a birthday party for you. Usually it was a surprise, and perhaps being a bit gullible, I fell head over heels for it and on my twenty-first birthday I was completely surprised. The young people there gave me Morrish’s Bible Dictionary as a gift; I still have it and use it. (And I still have the card in front of it with the signatures of all the young people who signed it and gave it to me.) That was on Friday or Saturday; and when I went to meeting on Lord’s Day, an older sister in the assembly (who is now with the Lord) quietly came up to me and said, “Bill, I heard they gave you Morrish’s Bible Dictionary for a gift.” I said, “Yes they did and I am very thankful for it.” “Well,” she said, “Here is something to tuck in the front of it,” and she gave me a little card. She said, “It’s a very very good dictionary, but there are four little mistakes in it, differences which some of our older brethren, like J. N. Darby and Mr. Wigram have noted and I thought you would like to have them. I just wrote them out here for you, you can tuck them in the front.” There they were, with a little bit of Greek thrown in. I thought, “My, isn’t that something.” She knew her Bible well—very well—and she was a help to me. Young sister, you don’t have to sit in the background as far as your own spiritual knowledge is concerned. You never read in the Word of God of a gift in taking in the truth. Have you ever thought about that? Maybe there is a gift in giving it out, but no such thing as a gift in taking it in. There is no reason why you can’t enjoy the truth of God and our good written ministry and everything that God has given us, just as much as a brother. Never forget that, even if God hasn’t given you the place of public responsibility.
I can remember another occasion when an assembly was going to send out a letter of invitation to a conference. As was usual, the letter was read to the assembly before they sent it out. After the meeting an older sister quietly came up to one of the brothers and in her quiet way pointed out something in that letter which was unscriptural.
Was it in order? Very much so. None of the brothers had noticed it. There is no reason why you can’t enjoy the Lord just as much. The truth that God has given us is for each one of us. “I will make him an helpmeet for him.” May God give you grace to fill that role. God puts you in the position of being a help meet. He equipped you for it, and (again we don’t have the time to go into details) you can happily fill that position. Whether the Lord gives you a partner in life, or whether He doesn’t, you can fill that role just as well.
Now let’s talk about “submission.” This is perhaps the most difficult thing to discuss in this day and age; once again we must go to the Word of God. Let us turn over to those familiar verses we referred to yesterday in Ephesians 5. To me this is beautiful.
Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”
Now we will read a verse in 1Timothy, but I read those verses first. Just notice that. “Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.” (1 Tim. 2:11).
Notice the two reasons: 1) “For Adam was first formed, then Eve” (vs. 12), and 2) “Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety” (vss. 13-14). I read Ephesians first because I believe there are three reasons in the Word of God why it is proper and fitting for a sister to be in submission. This is the hardest thing to talk about because of the sad warping of the truth of God that has come into the world today. But just as the husband needs to be exhorted to love his wife, because that is the place where he is most likely to fail, so the woman is exhorted to submit to her husband. God gives three reasons for submission-whether it is to her husband or whether it is a place of silence in the assembly. The first two we find in 1Timothy as we read here. The fact that Adam was first formed, then Eve, shows that God gave man the place of headship. God has committed public responsibility and public ministry to men (and rightfully so), and a sister is never right to try and take that position. But also, the Word of God points out that the woman was deceived; and as part of the curse that God has pronounced on her, Scripture says, “thy desire shall be to thy husband” (or subject to thy husband). So those were the two reasons, you might say, in natural things, that preceded Christianity, why submission was proper. This is the hardest thing in coming to terms with perhaps that you will have in the world today. And the woman of today will say, “Nonsense, we are past all that.” But the wisdom of God never changes, and that necessity for submission hasn’t been lifted. So, just as man has to bear the effects of the curse, and just as I have to go out and work hard for a living, just as man has to till the ground in order to make a living, so there was that which was pronounced on the woman. I don’t like to dwell on that, but I mention it and think we need to recognize it.
I might make another remark here. I believe that when it says in that scripture in 1Timothy, “I suffer a woman not to teach, nor to usurp authority over a man,” that remark is not confined to the assembly or to spiritual things. Now I know that all don’t see it that way, but I believe it is the truth of God and I believe it is exemplified by the fact that the reasons given for those remarks go right back to the beginning and in one sense have nothing to do with Christianity. So I believe it is out of place for a woman to usurp authority over a man (in any sphere), or to be involved in that which would teach grown men. I mention that for your exercise and for mine. It takes wisdom and grace in this mixed up world of today to apply these things. Some of us had some conversation about that yesterday and it becomes more difficult as time goes on. But I just say to you for your own exercise and meditation that I believe that remark goes across the board and is not merely confined to spiritual things.
Then here in Ephesians, we have the highest motive for submission. Why? “As unto the Lord.” Now I am referring back to Ephesians 5:22, “Submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” Can there be any question in my life as to whether I submit wholly unto the Lord? Oh, I hope not. If I am prepared to do that, then the Word of God says, “Do it as unto the Lord”.
Oh, you say, “But my husband isn’t like that. He is not the kind of a man that I want to submit to.” A few years ago here in the United States there was the Watergate scandal, and it involved some pretty high people in this country. It resulted in the ultimate resignation of former President Nixon. Henry Kissinger, at that time Secretary of State, was trying to be a diplomat in world affairs, with all this turmoil swirling around him involving the man to whom he had to report as his superior. Someone asked him, “How do you manage to carry out your responsibilities and to serve President Nixon when there is so much controversy?”
I thought Mr. Kissinger’s remark was excellent. He said, “Sir, I serve the position of the Presidency. The man who fills the position is in some ways immaterial.” What did he mean? He meant that Mr. Nixon, no matter what kind of a man he was in his character, filled the position of President of the United States. Mr. Kissinger served the United States and respected Mr. Nixon, not because of what he was in himself, but because of the position that he had been placed in. And dear sisters, sometimes you may be called upon to submit in a situation where it may be difficult.
I think of a story that happened many years ago where a woman got saved but her husband wasn’t. (Perhaps there are some of you who come from homes like that. Maybe you are saved and your parents aren’t—and we are perhaps going to go into that a bit tomorrow—or maybe you come from a home where one parent is the Lord’s and one parent is not. You may be able to relate to this.) This woman was a dear Christian, but her husband had no use for Christianity and he took it out on her. I don’t know whether he was physically rough with her, although he might have been, but he made her life miserable. He demanded everything of her. Meals had to be just so and on time, the house had to be spotless and he really made her his slave. She patiently went about it all. Let’s turn to the Scripture that particularly energized her in 1 Peter 3:1-5.
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives, while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.”
Finally one day, while he was sitting at the table eating his meal, he couldn’t stand it any longer and he said to her, ‘Why do you treat me so well—why do you do all these things? Why don’t you fight back once in a while? Why do you let me treat you so rotten all the time?” She looked up at him with tears in her eyes, and calling him by name she said, “I’ll tell you the reason I do it. I know that I’m going to spend an eternity in Heaven and you are my husband, and you are the dearest one to me on this earth, but if you keep on in your present pathway, you are going to spend eternity in Hell. And all the kindness that you are going to get is what you get in this life, because you are not going to get any in eternity, and I want to give you all I can before you go.” He couldn’t take that. He broke down and cried and the Lord used that to bring him to Christ. So I say that sometimes the role of submission isn’t easy. Sometimes you may find the role of submission in the assembly isn’t easy, but as our brother said the other day, we have to respect the call of the referee. Sometimes you as a sister may wish you could get in there and say something. I can remember a sister once saying something like that to me. This verse was referred to that we just read about the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit and she said, “I just could never have that. I’m not made that way. I don’t have that kind of a spirit and there is no way I could ever be like that.” That’s too bad because the grace of God can give that ornament of a meek and quiet spirit.
So it says in Ephesians 5:24: “Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” Isn’t that wonderful? Submission.
Then turn back to 1 Peter again and there is another angle to this. Notice what it says in 1 Peter 3:5-6: “For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”
There is the other side of submission; and that is moral courage in the Lord’s things. Here it says, “Ye... are not afraid with any amazement.” It doesn’t mean that the woman cowers down beneath her husband like a slave. No, “not afraid with any amazement.” There is that quiet moral courage in the Lord’s things which submits, and submission is an attitude. Obedience is an act, but submission is an attitude. Submission is a position taken, obedience is acting out that submission in the position. Submission requires moral courage. If you read the last chapter of Proverbs, you will find there the characteristics of a virtuous woman and you will find there that she isn’t lacking in moral courage. In the things of the Lord, I believe that perhaps sisters will get the greatest rewards in Heaven for devotedness and courage.
I think of a story which happened years ago in the times when Christians were persecuted. Two young sisters (I don’t know if they were much older than some of you here), were brought out to be burned at the stake. In order to make the ordeal even more difficult for them, the authorities had ordered that one was to be burned at the stake alive while the other one had to watch until it was her turn.
You say, I don’t know how I would react in that situation. (I don’t know how I would either.) But they went out, and you can imagine the difficulty and fear they had. They counted on the Lord, but there was moral courage as the first one went to that stake. They made an agreement between themselves— you can hardly blame them for it—that the one who went first, if it were possible, would give some sign to the other one as to whether it was worth it or not.
Well, the first one was led out and tied to the stake, and all the wood was piled around her and lit on fire. Up went the flames and the smoke. The sister stood there watching, waiting and listening, and as time went on she thought perhaps she wasn’t going to hear anything. Suddenly out of the midst of those flames came the shout, “Come on, it’s worth it!” and then it was over. Moral courage. “Not afraid with any amazement.” Stories could be multiplied. We don’t have time today to show the moral courage of sisters before the Lord and in the things of the Lord.
I say again, I often feel that in the coming day, the greatest rewards will go to sisters. You remember Mary Magdalene and Mary of Bethany, who I believe had perhaps more intelligence in the things of the Lord than the disciples.
Our time is almost gone; we will leave that subject. But I commend these verses to you. Submission, but not being afraid with any amazement. No, moral courage.
We will talk for just a few minutes about “purity.” I want to read a verse in 2 Corinthians 11:2. The apostle Paul is speaking and talking about the assembly there: “For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.”
Now turn back to Psalm 144. We referred to this yesterday. There was a word here to the young men, but there is a word here to the sisters too. Psalm 144:12, the last half of the verse: “That our daughters may be as corner stones, polished” (or perhaps more accurately, sculptured) “after the similitude of a palace.”
Now one last verse in I Timothy 5; the last three words of verse 22: “Keep thyself pure.”
Again we have the relationship of Christ and the Church brought before us as the type. Paul could speak of “espousing the Church to Christ,” engaging the Church to Christ as a chaste virgin. That word chaste is a remarkable word. I looked it up in the Greek, and it has the thought of an object of veneration, or an object of worship. If I can speak very practically to the sisters here, the way you act in your interpersonal relationships can determine whether you fill the role of a chaste virgin or not.
I have heard fellows talk about a girl and they would even use the words that they worshipped the ground she walked on, and I have seen fellows treat girls as if they were the ground they walked on. All the way from one to the other. Does that excuse them from that attitude? No. But I have felt very often, that if a sister had been behaving in the way that she should have, there would have been a different attitude on the part of the fellows. “That our daughters may be as cornerstones sculptured or polished after the similitude of a palace.” I have seen a few palaces when I have traveled around and usually when you look up at a palace it is something that awes you a little bit. It is something that you look at and admire from all angles, but you walk toward and, if privileged to do so, walk into it with a certain amount of trepidation. You know, the Word of God has given the sister a remarkable place, has put her in that place where she should be looked up to by the man, but sad to say she has often cheapened herself by neglecting the instruction in the Word of God.
Sometimes I go into a store and see a sale sign, “Slightly used, greatly reduced in price.” It’s too bad when that happens in relationships between men and women. Dear sisters, the world today is out to cheapen you.
You will remember the story of Esau. He came home so hungry from the hunting trip that he just had to have something to eat. He was prepared to give up anything to get food, and his brother Jacob very shrewdly said to him, Come on, Esau, here it is. I’ve got it all ready for you, but I want your birthright. Poor Esau. It says in the New Testament, “Who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright,” and then it tells us, “He found no place for repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.” I have often thought that the woman of today sometimes finds herself in that situation where she says, “I have to have this and I have to have that,” and she sells her birthright. Esau got a full stomach out of the deal, and you might get something that is temporal, but oh, the loss! A ruined life and loss before the Lord. I can’t emphasize that too strongly. Now the world around you hasn’t been very kind to you in this respect—it has given terrible examples. Our brother was mentioning the words of a worldly song yesterday. All I can say is, if you are wise you will keep that rubbish right out of your house. Don’t even have it there. If you turn the radio on and you hear that kind of song, turn it off. Better still, if I may go one step further, don’t even bother with the radio. You don’t need it. I have one in my home so I will know when the buses are canceled when we have a snowstorm, but that is about all I ever listen to, to be very honest. Keep it out of your house. Do you find that the songs of this world are defiling? Get rid of them. You don’t need them. They will only defile your mind. “Keep thyself pure.”
If you are conducting yourself in a proper way before the Lord, you won’t feel the need of having that which would cheapen you and bring you down to the level of this world.
I said a word or two on dating yesterday and perhaps I could clarify it a little so there isn’t any misunderstanding. I said that there is no pattern in the Word of God for the kind of casual dating that we see today, and yet we sometimes see girls and guys too who feel that they don’t have any status among their peers unless they have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Sad to say sometimes one thing leads to another. There are no rules in these things and if one has a serious interest in another, then spending time together is very much in order. But the idea that I have to do this or do that, the idea (can I be very personal) of going to a general meeting or to a young people’s camp and saying, “Who am I going to take out tonight, or who is going to go out with me?” and maybe it ruins your evening if no one asks you out.
Well I won’t talk too much about that, because I can’t enter into it from a girl’s side. You say, sure it is fine for a guy to go, because he has options. If he wants to go alone, it’s fine, and if he wants to ask someone out, he can do that too, but the girl has to wait for him to ask. All right, wait for the will of God. Never try and take the attitude of this world that says, “If a guy doesn’t ask you out, you go and ask him.” That’s the way it is in the world today. No. “Keep thyself pure.” And if you are found walking before the Lord in that way, I believe you will find that word “chaste” will apply to you. An object of veneration.
The world respects someone who has standards and who stands up for them. I have heard many cases where a guy asked a girl out and she turned him down the first time. Did that turn him away? Most of the time it didn’t. It only made him more anxious to go out with her. Sometimes she wanted to pray about it and be sure that she should go out with him or not. Many times it has ended up in a happy marriage, but she wanted to be sure. She didn’t just grab on because “He asked me, so I had better go.” So I say to you girls, keep yourselves in that position and you will be as we read in Psalm 144, polished, or sculptured after the similitude of a palace. And best of all, if the Lord does give you an earthly relationship and a husband, you will have the joy and satisfaction in your own soul of knowing that you kept yourself pure.
Parents and Children: Address 4
This morning’s meeting is on a subject that I feel very incapable of properly discussing. I suppose I prayed more about discussing this subject than I did for any of the others. The subjects seem to get a little tougher as the week goes on!
The subject I have before me is the relationship of parents to children and children to parents. It is rather difficult to speak on this subject to an audience like this, because in one sense I am going to speak to you as potential parents; and yet on the other side I am going to speak to you as being still children in your parents’ home. But I believe the Word of God gives us very explicit instruction along these lines which is not often emphasized today.
Parents to Children
Turn first, please, to Ephesians 6:4. We will speak first about the relationship of parents to children. Now I know that most of you here are not parents, but if the Lord should leave us here a little longer, many of you will be establishing homes of your own and be in that relationship, so I think it is good if we look to the Word of God and see what He has to say about these things.
“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
You will notice here that the comments are addressed to fathers because they primarily have the position of headship and leadership in the home. It goes without saying, however, that the comments apply equally to mothers as well as fathers, and take in the whole sphere of the relationship of parents to their children.
Notice that in this verse it does not say, ‘bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and provoke not your children to wrath”. No, the order is reversed. There is a lot involved in that phrase, “provoke not your children to wrath;” but what I believe it brings before us is the importance that we as parents have in establishing a rapport with our children, so that the second half of the verse can be carried out in the right way.
Let me use a little illustration. I can think of a case that happened many years ago, long before my time, and it came to me second hand. A brother who, I believe, had a real concern for the honor and glory of the Lord and for his children, was trying to bring them up for the Lord. But it wasn’t working. His children were rebelling against their parental authority and also against the Word of God. Finally he came to an older brother among us, one who was respected and who was full time in the Lord’s work and said to him, “Brother, I’m having real difficulty with my family. I read the Word of God to them, I take them to the meetings, I try and bring before them the importance of the things of the Lord, and it just doesn’t seem to be working.” Well, the older brother knew the family situation a little and he looked the brother straight in the eye and said, “Brother, I think you ought to buy a crokinole board.” The brother looked at him with disbelief on his face and said, “But I want you to realize that I am entirely serious about all of this. I’m not just joking.” The older brother looked right back at him and said, “And so am I.” The crokinole board was lacking in that home. The brother didn’t realize that while it was important to bring the Word of God before his children, there was an importance also in establishing that rapport with them.
I say to you dear young people, that when and if you establish homes of your own and have children of your own, it is important to spend time with them, seeking to enjoy them, to provide those diversions which are necessary to children, in order that when the nurture and admonition of the Lord is necessary, they will receive it gladly from you.
I can remember well, shortly after I had finished college, when I had the privilege of taking a bit of a holiday in Florida, and at his invitation, spending some time with our dear brother Eric Smith. During that time I picked up a book in his library. Actually it is a book which I would have liked to have given to you young people, but I’m afraid it is out of print. I read that book through while I was there, and enjoyed not only the content of the book, but what was probably worth at least as much, if not more, his own personal comments penned in the margins of it. I can well remember a comment made in the book about this verse, and alongside the comment were these words in the margin, “time must be taken to spend with our children, and to give them that love and affection which they need. Even the work of the Lord must never interfere.”
Now, there needs to be a balance in all of this. There is a danger on the one hand of becoming so wrapped up in our families that we neglect the work of the Lord, but there is a danger in getting absorbed in business, in the cares of this life, and even in assembly life and in the work of the Lord, so that we neglect our children. It is possible to be blessed in the work of the Lord and yet to be a poor parent.
And so we have these words, “provoke not your children to wrath.” The rapport with children should start with parents. I believe it is the responsibility and privilege of parents to cultivate diligently the friendship of their children, and to enjoy that special time with them which allows you to bring before them the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
I can remember another case in point. There was a sister who had had a difficult past and who as a single parent was trying to bring up her two children for the Lord. An older sister who had the care and concern of them at heart picked up a couple of books while at a conference and wanted to buy them for the daughter of this particular sister. The older sister brought the books to her and the mother politely, but firmly placed them back on the shelf and said, “No, she has her Bible, she doesn’t need any other books.” I won’t bother telling you the sad history of that girl as time went on, how that as she got to be a teenager, she completely rebelled against her mother and went off into the world, causing her no end of grief. Is there anything wrong with filling our children with the Word of God? Not at all, but there needs to be the proper diversion, the proper recreation, the proper balance in things which only the wisdom of God can give us.
Then we find in the last part of the verse, “bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” That word “nurture” is a nice word. I believe it is right as it stands here, but I would just mention that in the original it would more properly read “discipline,”—”the discipline and admonition of the Lord.” This is so necessary today when discipline is being viewed upon as being wrong. I can still remember a young woman who was in my office some time ago, with her son, who was perhaps two or three years old. He happened to be the patient that day, and I had a very difficult time examining that boy. During the course of the time in my office, he completely disrupted my examining room, and to cap it all off, kicked his mother (who was obviously expecting another baby) in the stomach. I said to that mother, “You know, you are going to have some problems with this boy if you don’t take him in hand and administer a little discipline.” “Well,” she said, “perhaps I ought to talk to him a little more and explain to him why he should not do these things.” ‘No,” I said, “it takes a little more than that.” It does take more than that—the discipline and admonition of the Lord.
Turn back to the book of Proverbs for a verse, chapter 13, verse 24: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”
Now the world of today would say, “That’s out of place. It is wrong to use violence against a child.” But let me tell you this, that it is the way that God gives us in His precious Word, and if discipline is administered properly, and if the first half of our verse has been properly carried out, then I don’t believe there will be real difficulties in the second part of the verse.
The proper way it should be looked at is this. A child upon receiving discipline from a parent should have this reaction produced in him: “My father or my mother who loves me so much, as evidenced by everything they do form—all the love and care they provide for me, all the good times that we have together, the bedtime story that I hear, the hugs, the kiss, everything that goes along with it—I say again, my father and my mother who love me so much, felt so seriously about the sin which I committed that they had to use the rod on me.” That will produce the proper state of soul in the child. Now no chastening feels pleasant at the time. It is not meant to be, but as the Word of God says, “Afterward it produces the peaceable fruits of righteousness.” A child who has experienced the first half of the verse will not resent discipline if it is properly applied.
There is a question sometimes of when the discipline should be administered, and what form it should take. Well, circumstances alter cases. The discipline should suit the child involved. We who are parents know how that we have to deal with each of our children in a little different way, because they have different characters. It tells us in Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go:” or perhaps more accurately, “according to the tenor of his way” (J.N.D. translation). The tenor of each child is different, and thus wisdom is needed to deal with each one. Nevertheless the principles of the Word of God hold true, and each parent here would support me when I say that the youngest toddler has a will so strong, that he will lie there holding his breath until he turns blue out of sheer frustration and anger, or throw a temper tantrum so violent that it frightens his parents. The world would say, “He doesn’t know what is going on, so just leave him alone and let him have his temper tantrum.” But this is not the wisdom of God, for the instruction is, “He that loveth his son, chasteneth him betimes.”
An older sister once said these words, “In the experience with our children, we found in seeking to apply the principles of the Word of God, that we fought one royal battle with them, usually between the time that they were one or two years old. Once that battle was fought and the will was broken, it was easier after that.” Not that the child never needed correction after that. No, at times they forgot themselves and had to be corrected, but once that will was broken and the authority of the parent was established, they did not have to go through that same battle later on. But I fear there many of us here as parents who are afraid to face that battle. We think, “Well, he will grow out of it.” No, he may grow out of that particular behavior, but he will not grow out of the attitude that produced it. I sometimes hear parents talk about how they lost their son when he was fifteen years old, because at that point he seemed to rebel against them and went his own way. Or they lost their daughter when she was sixteen or seventeen years old. Although I don’t usually say anything because I have to look at my own failure, I say to myself, “No, you didn’t lose them at that age, you lost them ten or fifteen years before.”
These things are very humbling to us. It is very humbling for me to talk about them, and I fear that many times these subjects are not broached because we find the edge of the sword cuts too deeply into ourselves. Do we bear some responsibility for our children, as parents? Indeed we do. I believe it is a principle that runs all through the Word of God. I cannot teach my child that which I have not learned myself and that is why it says “the discipline and admonition of the Lord.” Unless I as a parent have come to terms with the Lordship of Christ, then I cannot presume to act in a proper way in discipline towards my child. If there is a particular sin in my own life that I have not judged, then I cannot presume to discipline my child for the same thing.
One of two things will happen. Either I will discipline my child severely for that which I have not judged in my own life, in which case it will only produce rebellion in his soul, because he sees that I am not consistent, or on the other hand I will completely lay aside the discipline, letting the child just do exactly what he wants. This will produce the same effect—rebellion.
Let me use a few examples from the Word of God. We won’t turn to them; you will recognize them when I refer to them. You will remember the sons of Aaron, Nadab and Abihu, died because they offered strange fire before the Lord. If you will read the passage, you will remember it is recorded there that Aaron held his peace. Why did Aaron hold his peace? I believe that poor Aaron remembered only too well, how that probably not more than a year before he had shown a careless attitude towards the honor and glory of the Lord in producing a golden calf and in leading the people of Israel into idolatry.
Another example is Jacob. He tried to gain his end with his brother Laban by cheating him, by trying to manipulate things to his own end and scheming and planning in order to get the best of his uncle. But oh, we see some years later how his own sons sold their brother into Egypt and deceived their father for 20 years by taking Joseph’s coat, dipping it in the blood of a goat and then tricked him into thinking Joseph had been killed by a wild beast.
David showed a careless attitude toward immorality in his sin with Bathsheba, but a few years later he found that two of his sons, Amnon and Absalom showed the same careless disregard for these things. David had to recognize that he had set a bad example for them. We could multiply more examples from the Word of God, but these would suffice to show us that the sins that we refuse to judge as parents often come back to haunt us by coming out in our children. “The discipline and admonition of the Lord.”
If I have a casual attitude toward lying, then I cannot hope to instill into my children any greater aversion to that sin than I have myself. If I am covetous, then I cannot be surprised if my children exhibit the same traits.
Well, again I say that these things are very humbling to speak of. May the Lord give us grace to judge in our own souls that which he would bring before us in order that we may be able to carry out what we have here — bringing our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Children to Parents
Now we will pass on to the other half of this talk which concerns the relationship of children to parents. Once again we will read those verses in Ephesians 6:1: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor thy father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise; that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.”
Now turn back to Proverbs 1:8: “My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother: for they shall be an ornament of grace unto thy head, and chains about thy neck.”
Now a verse in 2 Timothy 3:1: “This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.” Just a little remark here. When it says “the last days,” it is referring to the time just before the Lord’s return. It is the days in which you and I are now living. In I Timothy when it talks about “the latter times,” it is not the same expression. The latter times refers to that age which followed directly upon the apostles in this scene and refers to that declension which occurred in the church shortly after the apostles left this world. We should just have that clear in our minds.
Let us continue on with 2 Timothy 3:2: “For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, truce-breakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God.”
I said it was going to be difficult to speak on this subject, because on the one hand we have tried to bring before you some of the responsibilities that you will have as parents. But now we speak to you because most of you are in the category of being children in your parents’ home, some older, some younger. So I believe that while parenthood is not in the too distant future for a good many of you if the Lord should leave us here, nevertheless at the moment you are in the relationship we have just been reading about. And the Word of God gives us this instruction very clearly: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
Once again we have the lordship of Christ brought into it. It is a day and age when man is throwing off all restraint and when many people have great difficulty coming to grips with authority. But I often feel that we as parents, perhaps, have also had difficulty in coming to grips with the authority and lordship of Christ. Remember dear young people that the same lordship that is mentioned in verse 4 is mentioned in verse 1, “Obey your parents in the Lord.” Are your parents always right? No; I am sure they are not. I have not always been right as a parent, but the instruction in the Word of God is clear.
You will remember the analogy that we used yesterday concerning Henry Kissinger and Richard Nixon. Mr. Kissinger served the Presidency; the man in it, in one sense, was not the major question. For you, in your relationship to your parents, you have a duty to obey them, not because of what they are, but because of the position in which God has placed them. So here it says, “Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right;” but then it goes on to say, “Honor thy father and thy mother.” I have never seen a young person who made progress in the things of the Lord who neglected what we have here.
Now I know that some of you come from godly Christian homes. You come from homes where both parents are the Lord’s, and in which they seek to bring you up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. They haven’t always been perfect, but they have done as much as possible to give you instruction in the Lord’s things and in every way to encourage you to go on for Him.
On the other hand, some of you may come from homes where, although one or both parents may be the Lord’s, you don’t see the consistency in a Christian walk that should be seen. I know that some of you here come from very difficult situations where neither parent is saved and where perhaps you face a good deal of persecution and hardship around your home because of your stand as a Christian. Does that alter what we have here? No. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
Now I might mention, of course, that when it says “in the Lord”, that that brings before us that which would be in keeping with the honor and glory of the Lord. If a parent were to say to his son, “Come on son, we are going out on a burglary tonight”, then I believe it would be proper and right before the Lord for a Christian son to say, “Father, I respect you and I love you, and I want to obey you, but I have a higher authority when it comes to doing that which would be contrary to the law and which would be morally wrong.” But I rather expect that would be the exception rather than the rule.
No, most of the time it may be things which your parents might ask you to do which you might find difficult and disagreeable. Then I believe it is right and proper for you to honor this relationship.
Sometimes it is difficult for us to honor parents who don’t exhibit the proper attitude in the place in which God has placed them. But, just as we were speaking the other day of how an unsaved husband or wife could perhaps be won over by a Godly Christian walk, so I believe, dear young people, that if you are misunderstood in your home, your best defense is a godly consistent Christian walk.
In 2 Timothy 3, we notice that the phrase “disobedient to parents” does not occur in isolation. No, it occurs in a long list of things which (in my brief experience) tend to go together. Disobedience to parents tends to produce the other attitudes which we find here; dear young people, they will end in ruin for you. So I say again that while your parents may not be everything that you wish they were, nevertheless it does not set aside our responsibility before God to honor them in the position in which God has placed them. And remember, they may know more than you think. We are looking at life from a very limited perspective, especially when we are in our teenage years.
I hesitate to mention this man’s name in a Christian address because he was a godless man, but nevertheless he made a remark which I think was in a good measure true. I refer to Samuel Clemens, otherwise known as Mark Twain, the American author. He spoke of how he found his father almost intolerable when he was 14 years of age and how difficult it was to see eye to eye with him. But later on, writing at the age of 21, he made the remark that he was surprised at how much the old man had learned in the last 7 years. You know as well as I do, that the father probably had changed relatively little, but the boy had grown up and was able to see things in a more proper perspective.
So remember that your parents love you, although they may not understand you. I freely admit to you dear young people that I do not understand some of the things you are going through. When I went through high school, drugs were not a problem at all. I never heard the matter mentioned. Alcoholism? Oh sure, some partook of it a little bit. But it was not a major problem. Immorality? It was spoken of in hushed whispers behind the scenes; certainly never flaunted the way it is today. Authority? It was unquestioned. I can well remember in my local high school when a drinking fountain was broken. I can remember the principal coming on the public address system in the middle of the afternoon and telling us that the fountain had been broken and asking that the individual who was involved come down and tell them about it before the end of the day. He said, “We have never had a problem with this before. But I would just remind you that if the individuals responsible do not come and tell me about it, I will be obliged to detain the whole school at the end of the day until they do.” Did he have to worry? No. The individuals came and told him about it. Did he want to keep the whole school in and punish innocent people for the crime of a few? No, of course not. But he knew that if he had to resort to those means, he would have a large body of parents behind him who would rather see their children detained a while, then see law and order dismissed from the school. To my knowledge he never had to resort to those measures.
That is all changed today. You are experiencing difficulties, problems, pressures, some of which we never had to pass through, and I have no hesitation in saying that no doubt your parents do not understand completely. You say, “You don’t understand my situation. You don’t know my parents. You don’t know the kinds of problems I have to pass through. My parents are living in the past. All their ideas and attitudes are from 30 years ago. You don’t realize the difficulties I have to pass through.” No. I truly confess, I don’t. But at the same time you must realize that while the world changes, the principles of the Word of God do not change. Your parents, no doubt, have a love for you (perhaps in some homes to a greater or lesser degree), but you will not be blessed in your Christian pathway if you do not honor and obey them as we have been reading together.
I want to make another remark here that I think is very important. We have spoken in the beginning of our responsibilities as parents. I hope that there isn’t a tendency among some here to look back and say, “Well, if my life has wound up in a mess as a young person, if I haven’t gone on for the Lord, if I have been guilty of getting into difficulties and problems in my life, I can look back at my parents and put the blame on them.”
No. I can remember attending a seminar in connection with my profession some months ago. In the course of that seminar, there was a man who was giving a talk on stress. He said some things that were very interesting. I don’t believe he was the Lord’s, for none of what he said had any reference to the Word of God. But he made a comment which I found quite revealing: “If we try to blame our difficulties and our problems on our past, that is the excuse of a loser.” Dear young people, to try and blame our difficulties and problems on our up-bringing, or the situation in which we have found ourselves, is the excuse of a spiritual loser. No, the Word of God says, “Everyone shall give account of himself to God.” So if you find yourself in a situation where everything is not as it should be, that is no excuse for you to say, “I couldn’t help it.” The Word of God is given to us for our guide. We have the Lord Jesus Christ to look to and there is no excuse even if there is failure in those who sought to bring you up.
So I say again that we have no excuse to go wrong in our lives. If you and I are found going on in a life of sin before the Lord, we have to put the blame right back at ourselves. If, on the other hand, I as a parent see my children go astray, I believe I have to bear that responsibility, too, before the Lord. Perhaps this is one of those things in the Word of God which we cannot reconcile completely.
One other point that I would like to make here. Suppose you find yourself in a situation where your parents have not reached out, and have not established that rapport which the Scripture says they should. Why not try and reach out yourself? Sometimes parents find it very difficult to do this, but you have no idea what an encouragement it is to your parents if you will reach out and say something that says how much you appreciate them. Have you ever thanked your father or your mother for something they have done for you? Have you ever made a comment to them which shows you appreciate what they do for you?
I can well remember some years ago when I was a teenager, I didn’t always see eye to eye with my father. We certainly had some differences as I was growing up. I can remember, however, once when he gave us a word at meeting that I had enjoyed particularly, and the Lord gave me the courage to go up to him afterward and to tell him that I had enjoyed what the Lord had given him for us. You know, that established a rapport between me and my dad that really helped. I could see how much he appreciated that. So dear young people, you have no idea how much of an encouragement to the older ones it is when you come to them and show how much you appreciate something they are doing for you. Many times they do things which are not appreciated and sometimes they may do things in the wrong way, but may the Lord give you grace to try and establish some of that rapport.
Again it goes back to a godly consistent Christian walk which I believe the Lord would have us to carry out for him. Are you misunderstood? Walk quietly and consistently before the Lord and I believe your parents will change their mind about you. Are you finding that you have difficulties in your relationship with them? Simply look to the Lord for help to live out that which He has given you and I believe you will find that sooner or later they will change their minds about you. I know some of the difficulties seem insurmountable, but may God give you grace to carry out what we have in His precious Word and to seek to honor your father and your mother according to what we have here.
The question sometimes arises: “How long should children obey their parents?” I believe we have a principle for this which goes right back to the book of Genesis, to the verse that we referred to the other day. There it says, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife and they twain shall be one flesh.”
There I believe we see God’s order, in that when a man was married he became the head of a new home. When a woman was married, she, instead of looking to her father and to her mother for the leadership and guidance which she had had in the past, now looked to her husband for the leadership and guidance in temporal and spiritual things. So I believe for my own soul, that as long as a child is living under his parents’ roof, it would be fitting and proper for them to carry out what we have in Ephesians 6.
Now I hasten to say that the type of obedience that would be rendered by a child of 18 or 19 would perhaps be considerably different than that which would be rendered by a child of 4 or 5. I believe that if things are normal in a home, both the parent and the child will recognize the increasing maturity as time goes on and that there will be as a matter of course the increasing freedom to make one’s own decisions. However, I feel that if it came down to a difficulty which arose, it would be fitting and proper for the child to yield to the parent as long as he were living in his parents’ home. Now I know this is not popular today. Sometimes those in their teens, especially in their late teens would say, “No I am old enough to make my own decisions”, and in one sense you are. But nevertheless I believe it is right and proper to respect your parents exercises so that you do not bring into that—home, either by association or otherwise, that which would be contrary to the wishes and conscience of your parents.
Now of course there are some of you who may not fall into the category of what we have read in Genesis. Some of you may not get married, and it is fitting and proper that at some point a child having reached the age of maturity and perhaps even not married would move out of the parental home and establish a home of his or her own. There again I believe it would be a matter of wisdom before the Lord as to what point one would come to in order to do that. Scripture does not give us any rules in that regard, but once again in looking to the Lord, I believe He would give wisdom and guidance in each particular situation.
So, to sum up what we have said, we have considered the relationship of parents to children, and the relationship of children to parents. Again I realize the difficulty in speaking to you from two different points of view, but perhaps you can see there are difficulties and problems on both sides which only the wisdom of God’s Word and communion with Him can overcome.
May He give you grace first and foremost as children to carry out the proper relationships between you and your parents in accordance with what we have in the Word of God, and at the same time, if the Lord should leave us here, look to God and His Word for the wisdom to bring up a family for the Lord. May God give us grace to walk in the wisdom of His precious Word in the little while that He leaves us here.
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