Introduction
One might suppose that, as Christians, we would automatically get along. After all, we possess new life and have the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. However, one doesn’t have to be a Christian for long to discover that, in practice, this simply isn’t so! Conflict amongst the saints of God is not a new problem. Fortunately, there are numerous verses and portions of Scripture that address the issue.
As Christians, we are not clones of one another and for this we can be thankful—it is by God’s design: “God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased Him. And if they were all one member, where were the body?” (1 Cor. 12:18-19). Clearly, there is a very positive side to this. However, it also means that we will each have different temperaments with varying strengths and weaknesses. Added to this, there may also be differences in background and culture. Moreover, as we earlier observed, when we are saved God doesn’t remove every infirmity associated with this scene in which we live. Though we are no longer seen by God as being in the flesh, the flesh is still very much in us. Taken all together, it takes effort to walk together peaceably. Too often we respond in the flesh to those things that bother us. Before we know it, we are displaying behavior that is quite inconsistent with the new nature. It is no longer the new life acting in the power of the Spirit of God but the old nature and its destructive habits.
Love One Another
“Little children, yet a little while I am with you. Ye shall seek Me: and as I said unto the Jews, Whither I go, ye cannot come; so now I say to you. A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another” (John 13:33-34). The Lord forewarned His disciples of His impending departure from this world. Naturally, the disciples wanted to follow Him. This was not, and is still not, God’s plan for His children. As much as we may desire it, when we are saved we are not immediately taken out of this world: God has a purpose in leaving us here.
Surely God’s first purpose in leaving us in this world is to display Christ during His absence. And so, in the above verses from John 13, when the Lord switched from talking about His departure to loving one another, He did not change subject. When we love one another we manifest Christ: “By this shall all men know that ye are My disciples, if ye have love one to another” (John 13:35). The Lord Himself is our standard: “as I have loved you” (John 13:34). John repeats this in connection with bearing fruit in chapter 15: “This is My commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you” (John 15:12).
The verb used by the Lord for love is agapao. This love is characteristic of the new nature and should be displayed practically in the life of the believer (1 John 3:14). It is a self-sacrificing love. God expressed this love to the world when He sent His Son to die (John 3:16; Rom. 5:8). Such love does not have its source in the emotions. It does not act because there is an affinity with the recipient nor because a response is expected. Many have described this love as divine, but to do so, to the exclusion of other expressions of love, is incorrect (for example, John 5:20). That being said, agape love is certainly not something that we naturally express: “We love because He has first loved us” (1 John 4:19 JND). Despite the lofty nature of this love, it is not an optional part of Christianity! We are commanded to show this love one to another: “And this is His commandment, That we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as He gave us commandment” (1 John 3:23).
How do we Show Love?
It’s all very well to be told to love, but what does it mean? How is it to be expressed? For some, giving gifts, lending a helping hand, and so forth, express love—and generally speaking, they do. But to do these things and to leave undone the more fundamental expressions of love is a mistake. In Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians he writes: “Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (1 Cor. 13:4-7). I may say I’m ready to die for another, but if I can’t speak to them with civility, if I’m constantly provoking or trying to outdo them, if I spread gossip or speak evil of them, if my expression of love is all about my own personal need, then I don’t understand love. We cannot bite and devour one another and at the same time claim to be showing love.
“Love worketh no ill to his neighbor: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law” (Rom. 13:10). Love is about the other person. It is easy to accuse another of pride when they don’t accept our ‘love.’ However, the problem probably lies with us. Every true Christian has an understanding of love; that’s not the issue. We just find it hard to express as it means giving up self. It’s amazing how we can twist the meaning of the word to justify our own interpretation of it. When we learn to show love in a language that the other person understands, it will not only bring joy to them but to us also. Love is not about me. To make it about me is contrary to the very notion of agape love.
It’s a common observation that those who complain the most about a lack of love are invariably the ones who have the greatest difficulty expressing it. If we feel that no one loves us, then we need to examine our own conduct. Are we practicing and exhibiting Christ-like love? If we’re not feeling it, then we’re almost certainly not demonstrating it—no matter what we may think. If our lives are like a tornado—recognizable by the chaos that seems to forever accompany it—then we are going to find our brethren so busy dressing their wounds and bruises that they will have little capacity for expressing love. Until we recognize the hurt we cause others, we cannot begin to show love. We cannot hurt those around us and claim to love them. It is only God who can open our eyes in such circumstances.
There is, however, a flip side to this. No matter where we are, we will run into individuals who are, naturally speaking, difficult to love. It is quite easy to find books at any Christian bookstore which address this exact issue in congregations everywhere. When we encounter such an individual, they are not unlike a porcupine—all bristles. We don’t like to get too near them for we’ve felt their quills all too often. God, however, doesn’t allow such people in our lives for nothing; as hard as it may be, it is an opportunity to exercise our agape love. God doesn’t allow excuses when it comes to love. It is good to be reminded that every circumstance that comes into our lives is ordered of God.
I recently enjoyed the following thoughts at a Bible conference. To love as Christ has loved us is quite possibly the most difficult commandment in the New Testament. Quite frankly, if we think it’s easy, we’re missing something! Nevertheless, if we are obedient to the Lord’s commandments, we will know Him better. We will discover something of the mind of the Lord Jesus—how He felt when He expressed love to His brethren. It is easy to dwell on all the difficulties in showing love, but when we consider this, can we resist? Should we not desire to know Christ better?
The Fruit of the Spirit
In Galatia, some were trying to put the Christians under Jewish law. The result was quite the opposite of what we might naturally suppose. The law, instead of controlling the flesh, provoked it, and we read how they were biting and devouring one another. There wasn’t much love to be found amongst the saints of Galatia! The law does not and cannot produce love—it is quite powerless to do so. Rather, we might say the reverse is true: “For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” (Gal. 5:14). The Apostle goes on to say: “But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another. This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh” (Gal. 5:15-16).
It is only through the Spirit of God that we have power to express love to our neighbors. The works of the flesh were evident in Galatia. If they had been walking in the Spirit, things would have been very different. Concerning the Spirit we read: “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law” (Gal. 5:22-23). In these verses we find that love heads the list. Agape love may be characteristic of the new nature, but the power to express it is to be found in the Spirit of God.
The Epistle to the Philippians
Whereas the source of conflict in Galatia may be traced to bad doctrine, and those who promoted it, the situation at Philippi was very different. Paul’s letter to the Philippians is not corrective. In fact, they appear to have been going along with nothing more than the expected trials of the wilderness journey to trouble them. Nevertheless, Paul was in prison and he was concerned for their welfare during his absence. His letter is not unlike Joseph’s admonition to His brethren: “Regard not your stuff . . . See that ye fall not out by the way” (Gen. 45:20,24). Of these, the second seems to have been especially on Paul’s mind.
In the first chapter, we find something of the general condition of things in Christendom. Paul was in prison, and though the gospel was preached, there was little to bring him joy—though he did rejoice. “Some indeed preach Christ even of envy and strife” (Phil. 1:15). Yes, even the gospel can be presented in envy and strife! We preach the gospel to win souls, not to gain trophies. Toward the end of that chapter we begin to hear of the Apostle’s concern for the assembly in Philippi: “Stand fast in one spirit, with one mind” (Phil. 1:27). In the second chapter, Paul expresses himself more fully. The assembly had sent him a gift of fellowship (Phil. 1:5; 4:10), but if they wanted him to be completely happy, let him hear of their going on together without strife. “Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves” (Phil. 2:2-3). How do we accomplish this? How are we to be likeminded? Is it by coming to a common agreement? No, there is only one way: “Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 2:5). It is only by having the mind of Christ that we will be able to go on in peace and harmony. Much more could be said, but space does not permit—read this chapter and meditate on it, keeping in mind the subject matter.
The third chapter opens with warnings not unlike those found in the book of Galatians. However, whereas judaising teachers had done their evil work in Galatia—“Ye did run well; who did hinder you” (Gal. 5:7)—in Philippi, the saints are merely warned of the danger. The danger, however, was very real. Anything that turns us aside and takes our eyes off “the high calling of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:14) is not only going to stumble us spiritually, but it will also result in fleshly conflict in the Christian pathway (vss. 15-17). We are to have one object before us: Christ. The Apostle could write: “I press toward the mark” (Phil. 3:14). The right spiritual condition may be found in the second chapter, but energy of faith and purpose of heart is expressed in the third.
In chapter four, we have a very practical application of the preceding chapters. In Philippi, a conflict existed between two women, Euodias and Syntyche. Paul doesn’t say, “work together,” or “resolve your differences”; he doesn’t even ask them to “get along.” None of these things get at the root of the problem, and, in practice, they do not work. There was only one way to remove the conflict: “I beseech Euodias, and beseech Syntyche, that they be of the same mind in the Lord” (Phil. 4:2). And what mind is that? It is the mind of Christ. “Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made Himself of no reputation, and took upon Him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: And being found in fashion as a man, He humbled Himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross” (Phil. 2:5-8). All too often, our focus is the other person. This does not lead to disengagement, but rather engagement. It is only when we make the Lord Jesus Christ our focus that things begin to gain the correct perspective. Nearness to Christ will allow us to view the other person as He views them, and our thoughts will be formed by His thoughts.
Were others to be indifferent to the conflict? No, the Apostle calls upon a local brother to help: “And I intreat thee also, true yokefellow, help those women which labored with me in the gospel” (Phil. 4:3). When conflict occurs, we like to keep our distance, and it’s easy to understand why. It takes discernment to know when to help. Things can easily get out of hand when we take sides, or when one is not spiritually qualified (Gal. 6:1). The Lord, however, says: “Blessed are the peacemakers” (Matt. 5:9).
Living in Peace
Sometimes there are real issues of behavior that must be addressed. To simply ignore these will not lead to peace. Peace cannot be had at the expense of righteousness. Indeed, “the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance forever” (Isa. 32:17). However, we must remember that “the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace” (James 3:18). If we sow with striving, we should not expect either righteousness or peace (James 3:14-16). Paul wrote: “follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace” (2 Tim. 2:22). There is an order here; we cannot insist on righteousness in the absence of faith and love, and expect peace.
In Romans we read: “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men” (Rom. 12:18). In no way is this suggesting that a naturally cantankerous person doesn’t need to live peaceably! Rather, some do not want to or seem incapable of living in peace; these we must leave with the Lord. On our side as much as it concerns us, we are to do everything within our power to live peaceably. If the other party knows only conflict and strife, it may not be possible to walk with them: “Withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly” (2 Thess. 3:6). “Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go” (Prov. 22:24).
However, we do need to recognize our weaknesses in the flesh. It is unwise to place ourselves into a position or relationship ill suited to our temperament. We each have different strengths and weaknesses, and our ability to cope with certain personalities varies accordingly. This does not mean that we do not walk in love showing kindness one to another—surely we are to love all the children of God and to see Christ in them. However, our relationships will vary according to our natural dispositions.
Forbearing and Forgiving
“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye” (Col. 3:13). To walk with our brethren in peace is going to take forbearance on the one hand and forgiveness on the other. Forbearance does not react; forgiveness leaves the matter with the Lord.
Forbearance
We save ourselves a good deal of difficulty if we avoid reacting hastily. Those who are quick to draw conclusions generally arrive at the wrong one. Agape love “is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil” (1 Cor. 13:5). We cannot impute motive and intent to a person and then act upon our surmising. On the other hand, when something truly does turn out to be evil, love “rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth” (1 Cor. 13:6). Invariably, however, things are not as bad as we imagine. They simply fall into that category of things which are disagreeable to our sensibilities. At these times we are to remember that love “beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (1 Cor. 13:7). It may be considered naïve, but it really does help to have a guileless spirit.
It is easy to be forbearing when we can make the other party know just how forbearing we are! This is not what Scripture has in view. In forbearance we are to show love: “Walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, with all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love” (Eph. 4:1-2). Forbearance does not come without lowliness and meekness. It has been said that lowliness gives no offence and meekness takes none. They guard against our making everything about us. How much easier it is to deflect a comment or action, if we don’t assume it’s directed to ourselves. Regardless, there is a good deal of longsuffering connected with forbearance.
Forgiveness
In the fifteenth chapter of Deuteronomy we have a helpful picture of forgiveness: “At the end of seven years thou shalt make a release, and this is the manner of the release: Every creditor shall relax his hand from the loan which he hath lent unto his neighbor; he shall not demand it of his neighbor, or of his brother; for a release to Jehovah hath been proclaimed” (Deut. 15:1-2 JnD). In forgiveness, I let go of any obligation and release that person to the Lord. Forgiveness costs something. In the case of a debt, I don’t get repaid. God is our example: our forgiveness cost Him His beloved Son! “Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you” (Eph. 4:3232And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32)). Given this, can we have any reason not to forgive? In Romans 12 we read: “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is Mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (vs. 19). The “I will repay” does not merely refer to the debtor, but to us also. Though forgiveness costs us something, the Lord will amply make up the difference.
Forgiveness is less about forgetting and more about choosing not to remember. It is helpful to recognize this; otherwise Satan will make much of our memories. Often we don’t forget—the scars may remain with us forever. We can, however, with God’s help, choose not to be occupied with the thing any longer. Of Jehovah, concerning Israel, we read: “for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more” (Jer. 31:34). Forgiveness is a responsibility that lies with us—the offended one. God has commanded us to forgive. It is a conscious choice.
We find it difficult to forgive because it is not natural. The flesh will always resist forgiveness. However, in releasing the person and the offence to the Lord, the burden is lifted from our hearts. We see this wonderfully borne out in the life of Job: “The Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before” (Job 42:10). We see the release to Jehovah and the burden and bitterness lifted from Job’s heart. No doubt, in part, this was the captivity he experienced. Each time Satan would occupy us with a matter that we have forgiven, we can remind ourselves, “This is no longer a concern of mine; I have given the matter to the Lord.” Moreover, as with Job, God will not be our debtor. He will give us something better to be occupied with.
Matthew 18:21-3521Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. 23Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. 24And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. 25But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. 27Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. 28But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. 29And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. 30And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. 31So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. 32Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: 33Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? 34And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. 35So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses. (Matthew 18:21‑35) speaks of forgiveness—the Lord uses the example of a debt. The wicked servant took matters into his own hands and would not release his debtors from their obligation. The chapter concludes with: “So likewise shall My heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses” (Matt. 18:35). Notice how the Lord speaks of forgiveness from the heart. It is deeper than a mere, judicial forgiveness, but on the other hand, it neither speaks of public forgiveness nor of reconciliation. It is a release to the Lord.
In Luke 17 we have yet another example of forgiveness: “Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him” (Luke 17:3). Here the forgiveness is expressed to the individual but it’s conditional. It depends on repentance. The Apostle’s heart was full for the assembly in Corinth, but he had to restrain his feeling for them as he awaited word from Corinth. Paul wanted to know how they had responded to his first letter. What a relief and joy it was when he finally heard from Titus (2 Cor. 7:6). They had truly repented: “For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter” (2 Cor. 7:11). As a consequence, Paul’s second letter to Corinth is warmer, and he opens his heart and speaks with greater liberty. If we are the offending party, we should keep in mind that repentance is not a point in time, but a process. It is taking God’s side against ourselves. Not only is the matter judged, but there is a change in conduct—in the case of the Corinthian saints, they took steps to clear themselves of the matter.
We often confuse forgiveness and reconciliation—both are important. Forgiveness should be granted before God as soon as He has accomplished that work of grace in our hearts—and it will take a work of grace on His part. “The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit” (Philem. 25). Reconciliation, however, can take longer, and it will depend on the conduct of the one who has offended. If trust has been broken, it is not so easily restored. God does not ask us to deliberately expose our hearts to hurts: “Keep thy heart more than anything that is guarded; for out of it are the issues of life” (Prov. 4:23 JnD). If I have a reputation for not repaying my debts, I should not expect anyone to loan me money. Though reconciliation may not be immediate, it should never be deliberately withheld, nor can we use it as an excuse for being discourteous or rude. To do so would indicate that we have not forgiven at all and that we want to be sure the other person pays the price. We need to constantly judge the motives and actions of our hearts before the Lord.
We do not ask for forgiveness. The pattern in the Word of God is: “if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). We confess; He forgives. Asking for forgiveness shifts the focus to the other party; it puts the responsibility on them. However, if someone does ask for our forgiveness, a gracious response is appropriate. Either that we’ve entirely committed the matter to the Lord and do not desire to remember it, or something deeper, from the heart, if the question is accompanied by repentance.
Things to Consider
We are not clones of one another. God has placed each member in the body as He has chosen. We are unique individuals with different strengths and weaknesses.
We are commanded as Christians to love one another even as Christ has loved us; by this the world will know that we are His disciples.
Agape love has its source in God and not the emotions; it does not flow from any perceived merit in the recipient.
If we don’t feel the love of our brethren, we’re probably not showing love ourselves.
God places us in circumstances so we can exercise our agape love, and, if we are obedient to the Lord’s command, we will come to know Him better.
Though love is characteristic of the new nature, it is only in the power of the Spirit of God that we will be able to express it.
We will never be of one mind unless it is the mind of Christ.
It is impossible to live in peace at the expense of righteousness. However, righteousness without faith and love will not yield peace.
Forbearance does not react to things.
Forgiveness is a release of the person and their obligation toward us by giving the matter to the Lord; it is a work of the grace of God in our hearts.
Reconciliation follows forgiveness but it may take time. If trust has been broken, it is not so easily restored.