Almost a Christian. Chapter 9.
I WENT again to my Jewish friends, and said I wished to return to them and to learn the trade I had begun, and they accepted me, on condition of my utterly refusing to have anything to do with Mr. Stern or hi! agents. So I gave up going to him, and changed my residence to be out of his way But I remained exceedingly miserable, and the words would come to me, “What doest thou here, Elijah?”
All the first night after this promise I could obtain no sleep, but lay awake thinking of the awful condition of my soul, and of the doom that awaits every unsaved sinner. Every moment seemed like an eternity, and I could not shake off my fears. “In thoughts from the visions of the night, when deep sleep failed on men, fear came upon me, and trembling; which made all my bones to shake.” (Job 4:13,1413In thoughts from the visions of the night, when deep sleep falleth on men, 14Fear came upon me, and trembling, which made all my bones to shake. (Job 4:13‑14).) This state of terror continued for some few days, and the Jew, with whom I was, thought me mad. At length I could bear it no longer, and, leaving my work undone, ran off to see Mr. Stern.
He greeted me with a smile, and, when I told him my Jewish friends had pronounced me to be mad, he kindly said, “Never mind, the God of heaven will satisfy your soul.”
I cried out, “What must I do to be saved?” “Believe in the Messiah,” he replied. “You must be born again,” he added.
“What! be born again? How can I be born again?” said I. He calmed me by sang I should yet be a follower of the Messiah, the Lord of life and glory.
By Mr. Stern’s advice I entered the home for Jewish Enquirers, where I employed every moment of my time in studying the Holy Scriptures, and several learned enquirers, who were also there, helped me in my difficulties. During my residence in the home I received a letter from my father, who wrote: “Whilst I am glad of your inquiring after knowledge and truth, I feel that the dangerous doctrines, taught by many, may lead you away from the only path given to men in which to walk; depend upon it that all who walk in any other path will perish. The doctrine Mr. Stern teaches is nonsense; he is only a meshamad (that is an apostate). When you see the so-called Rabbi, tell him to wash his brain first, and then to teach doctrine. The religion of our ancestors cannot change―even a God cannot change it.
“The coming of Messiah is not to be of humiliation nor of repentance, but of victory and infinite glory and dominion. He shall sit upon the throne of His father David and make Israel happy forever; He shall have regal power, and be arrayed in glory and splendor. Such, my child, shall be our Messiah, who will gather together all the tribes from all parts of the earth when the trumpet shall be blown. Then there will be a universal gathering together of the Jews, and a return to Jerusalem, the name of which is as dear to us as our very lives, and then once more shall Jerusalem be the beauty and the metropolis of the globe.
“Hold fast, my beloved Isaac, to the religion of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, which is our religion. JEHOVAH-TZEBAOTH is our God, and He will redeem Israel in His own time and pleasure. Be sure the days of Israel’s glory are near.”
This was in 1871, but my father’s letter did not answer my difficulties; Jehovah will certainly fulfill His word about the reign of Messiah over the earth, and about our beloved city Jerusalem, even as my father had said; this I knew, but how was I to be relieved from the distress of soul which had overwhelmed me? I wanted to be saved myself, and such was my despair that I was, tempted to doubt whether Messiah had ever come.
In writing again to my father, I expressed my perplexity about the sins of Israel for many generations and the prophecies of the Bible, and then, turning to my own darkness if heart, added these lines, omitting the lame of Jesus―
“I heard a voice I knew not say,
‘Come unto Me and rest;
Lay down, thou weary one, lay down
Thy head upon My breast.’”
Again I visited Mr. Stern’s house. He was not at home, but Mrs. Stern begged me to tell her my business if it were of importance. In broken English I said I wanted to know, where to find real satisfaction for my soul — how to please God, and how to obtain the pardon of my sins. She replied with them words, “The blood of Jesus Christ, God’s Son, cleanseth us from all sin.” (1 John 1:77But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin. (1 John 1:7).; I did not at all like what she said, for, despite my misery and my anxieties about the Messiah, I hated the name of Jesus, and treated it with contempt. As I look back upon those days, I am filled with wonder at the infinite mercy and grace of the One whom I so hated and despised, and I am amazed that He should be so good to me, and that by His sovereign grace He should now be precious to my heart.
“Jesus, I love Thy charming Name,
‘Tis music in my ear;
Fain would I sound it out so loud
That earth and heaven might hear.”
Once more I poured out my perplexities to my father: ― “Dear father, in your last letter you say, ‘The days of Israel’s glory are near....’ I remember, when you used to teach me the holy law at school, you said the great day of Israel was nigh, and now, though some years have elapsed, you still say the same. I cannot help thinking Messiah has disappointed Israel.
“If, as you say, with many of our holy and blessed Rabbis, the coming of Messiah be not of humiliation, nor of repentance, but of regal power, how can the writings of the holy prophets be true? Our great prophet Micah says, ‘But thou, Bethlehem Ephratah, though thou be little among the thousands of Judah, yet out of thee shall He come forth unto Me that is to be Ruler in Israel.’ (ch. 5:2.) Surely Messiah, the temporal Ruler of Israel, would not be born in the insignificant village of Bethlehem, but in the glorious city of Israel. Our sublime prophet Isaiah says, ‘Who hath believed our report? and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed? For He shall grow up bore Him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: He hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see Him, there is no beauty that we should desire Him. He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from Him; He was despised, and we esteemed Him not. Surely He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed.’ (chs. 53:1-5.)
What a mystery is this! If this refers to the Messiah, surely He cannot be a king upon earth arrayed in splendor and glory.
My mind is full of thoughts about the difficult passages, which seem to upset all the doctrines you taught me.
“Again I read the words, Thus saith the Lord the King of Israel, and His Redeemer the Lord of hosts; I am the first, and I am the last; and beside Me there is no God.” (Isa. 44:66Thus saith the Lord the King of Israel, and his redeemer the Lord of hosts; I am the first, and I am the last; and beside me there is no God. (Isaiah 44:6).) How can this be? From these words do we not understand that God Himself must be the Redeemer? Surely this is a mystery―a wonder of wonders: Oh! that our eyes might be opened, and that we might have revealed to us the infinite and glorious mystery of Messiah!
“You cautioned me against the teaching of Rabbi Stern. Candidly, in the fear of God, I cannot help loving him for the truth’s sake. He speaks to my heart, which melts by reason of the tenderness of his teaching. He reads the Bible in the holy Hebrew tongue, and explains it oh! so sweetly. As he spoke the other day of the holy law, and showed that under it we are under its curse, for its language is obey or perish, I could but weep. He has directed my mind to the character of the Messiah, to His love, tenderness, mercy, sympathy, and compassion, and has repeated to me these words which were spoken by Him whom the Christians believe to be the Messiah, ‘Come unto Me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.’ This is just what we need, and for myself, ever since I can remember, I have been weary and worn. Oh, how I long for rest, and to have the realization of the pardon of my sins!
“I pray that Jehovah will condescend to visit us with His salvation.”
My father entered into much correspondence with me. A few sentences from one of his letters I now bring before the reader: “You refer in your last letter to the tenderness of Mr. Stern’s teaching, but remember that the devil always attacks in tenderness, promising nice things. Oh! Isaac, Isaac, Isaac, beware lest your soul be destroyed by the so-called teaching of the meshamad!
If the Author of the Christian religion was characterized by the love and mercy of which you speak, your Jewish brethren as a nation, would not have to suffer as they have done. For what persecutions have they not undergone in Spain, France, Italy, England, Germany, and Russia? These nations are called Christians. Where is the tenderness of Christians? We in Russia see what their tenderness is! Do not think that whatever appears truthful is of necessity true: the lion may be dressed as a lamb; and the devil can, and often does, appear like a saint.
“Do not despair Israel’s glory is near; Israel soon shall be gathered together. The Messiah will come to reign over His people. Every heavenly blessing be yours.”
I could but tell my father that I did not wish to be of the Russian religion, though it might be called Christian, for I had seen enough of that while in Russia, neither would I bow down to images or pictures. None of these things are real Christianity; and here let me ask the true Christian to consider what every devout Jew must think of churches given over to such idolatry, whether the church be in England, Germany, or Russia! It was only the other day a Jew said to me, speaking of a “Protestant” church in this country, “I went into one of your churches, and what did I see? Men dressed up neither in men’s nor women’s clothes, with candles, and images, and pictures! Is this your religion?”
The Jew hates idolatry in every form; the teaching of his Bible makes him hate it, and because of the idolatry in many Christian churches, he despises the Christian religion. No! none of these things are true Christianity.
I told my father I had found a different kind of Christian religion in England, and one which abhorred idolatry even as does the Jewish religion.
In another letter I said, “Since I last wrote, I have determined to discover the answer to the great question, ‘Is Christianity true or not?’ and have therefore studied the Bible only, and the result is I am sure, unless Christianity is the true religion, the God of our fathers has not spoken the words of the book we call Holy―the Bible.”
“I have been presented, too, with a truly wonderful little book called The New Testament.’ It gives the life of Joshua the Messiah, and I now say, if Joshua the Messiah has not come, I do not believe He ever will come.
“The whole life of the Nazarene is remarkable. His life was pure and holy. I will gladly send you this book called ‘The New Testament,’ and you will find His life was wonderful indeed! If you do not believe in the Nazarene, what answers can you give to the miracles He performed?
“Once more I must tell you the feelings of my heart. I am almost a Christian, yet as I write my heart is sad, for I can see you reading this letter, and, filled with sorrow and anger, saying ‘Away with Isaac, away with him!’ Yet I must speak. The Messiah has come, and I believe in Him, and, although our Jewish brethren consider it a disgrace and a shame, I cannot, I must not be ashamed of Him.
I have not yet made a public profession of my faith in Him, yet in my heart I believe.
“Please read the book I send you, and examine the Holy Bible. My prayer is that the time may soon come when the veil shall be taken away from the eyes of our beloved nation, and when tile words of our holy prophet Zechariah shall be fulfilled, ‘They shall look upon Me whom they have pierced, and they shall mourn for Him, as one mourneth’ or his only son; and shall be in bitterness “or Him, as one that is in bitterness for his firstborn.’” (ch. 12:10.)