My Dear....
I was sorry to find that you had not strictly carried out my prescriptions. I think I know enough to be able to say that I am sure they would have done you good. I have been very sorry to hear that you have been suffering so much. I well know what it is, and have again and again found, through mercy, relief from the line of treatment I indicated in my last letter to you. I can well imagine that those around you can hardly enter into your feelings, unless indeed they have felt the same; but I can and do, dear. I fully trust you will come out of it soon and grow stronger as, if it please God, you grow older. The great thing is not to fight against it; accept it as coming from the Lord, and wait, adoringly wait, till He is pleased to heal you. Not that He is not often pleased to use remedies; but after all, all is in His loving hands It may not be a lesson for you only, but for others also-for me among the rest. We all feel your suffering greatly, and many prayers go up daily for you. Your part is to be still-do nothing-a hard lesson, but perhaps one you need.
Above all, do not seek and look for a second cause; accept no other cause or reason for your suffering, but simply the Lord's will. If you were and had been as bright a saint as Paul, you would probably have had to go through far more than you ever have or will. Read 2 Cor. 11 and see if you have ever had to suffer anything like that. No doubt he was wonderfully sustained, but if God could sustain him through his great trials, surely He can sustain us through our lesser ones.
Perhaps you think you have failed in some way or other, or altogether. Well, I can only say that that ought to be a settled question. I never heard or read of anybody who hadn't or didn't, except the blessed Lord Himself. But it is just because you and I and the rest of us have failed and come short of the glory of God, that we need a Savior. Blessed be God, He will get all the glory, while we get all the benefit. If we hadn't failed and didn't fail, we should not need a Savior, and we should get the credit and glory. I am glad, through grace, to say with the Apostle Paul, that I prefer "the righteousness which is of God" in Christ to any righteousness that I could possibly have wrought out for myself. We stand before God in His own righteousness which is manifested by His giving Christ (who bore our sins) His present place, and will be further manifested by His giving us manifestly His (that is, Christ's) place before Him in glory. Oh, thought beyond all thought!
The source of our blessing is never what we have done, but what He has done; never what we are, but what He is. Our enjoyment may (not always) depend on our walk and course, but the source is always in God. The blessed Lord Jesus Christ has bought us and paid for us, and He has no thought whatsoever of letting us go, either by our own perverse will or by the will of any other power or creature, blessed be His name!
The Lord never yet gave a single saint to feel satisfaction with himself, and never will. If you wish to be satisfied, turn your eye off self to Him. He only can satisfy the heart's desire. Nor will He ever give you to be a little bit pleased with yourself; no, not a little bit. You would soon be taken up with that little bit and forget all about Him. This could not please Him or be good for you. No dear, that wouldn't do at all. Give it all up as a downright bad job. Listen! Hear Him say, "Be still, and know that I am God." Mr. Darby said, "I am sure I do not love the Lord enough, but I am sure it is the Lord I love; I have no confidence in my own heart, but all confidence in Him. He has died for me; that is what I count on; He has put away my sins; that is what I need; He is coming again; that is what I am looking for." Bunyan found that Satan could say, "Sell Him, sell Him," much faster than he could answer, "Not for a thousand worlds." Another brother, I forget his name, had a much better plan. He simply prayed, "Lord, do Thou answer for me."
If you could pierce a little hole in the cloud, you would see that all is bright above. All is bright on God's side.