Questionings.
YET Julian was not without days of doubt and questioning—for there were mysteries in this earthly life, and in the revelation of God, which troubled and perplexed her. The fact of sin was bewildering to her, for “I saw,” she said, “that if sin had never been, then should we all have been pure and clean, and in the image of God as at first. And in my foolishness I marveled often how it could be that God in His great wisdom had not prevented the first beginning of sin—for then, it seemed to me, all would have been well.
“I ought to have given up all endeavors to unravel this mystery, yet I continued to trouble and weary myself in considering it.
“The Lord Jesus, who knew my trouble, spake to me at times, saying, ‘Sin is serviceable, for God will turn it to good—yes, He will turn it to good everlasting.’
“And when I saw that it was because of sin that He suffered, I saw that there was an eternal joy which could not have been but for sin.
“And I saw also that God’s servants, His holy Church here below, must be shaken by sorrows and troubles and sufferings, as a garment is shaken in the keen wind, to cleanse and refresh it, and the Lord’s voice spake in my heart, ‘O what a glorious Church will I make of it thereby, so that it shall rejoice in Heaven in unspeakable blessedness and eternal gladness!’
“And I saw that the Lord rejoiced with a compassionate joy over the sorrows of His beloved; all whom He will bring to the blessed land. They are humbled, and despised, and mocked at, and rejected in this world; and He allows it, in order to hinder the greater misery that would befall them were the praise and the glory of this evil world to be their lot.
“Thus doth He lead them in the path that ends in Heaven, in the eternal, unfathomable joy.
“ ‘And in this manner, my beloved,’ He saith, wilt I train you in gentleness and meekness and holiness, so that all shall turn to glory and to gladness for you, by reason of that which I have suffered;’ and He showed me also that we are not suffering alone, but with Him—partakers of the suffer—of Christ.”
Yet the old doubts and the dark clouds of perplexity would return again and again, and Julian would be lost at times in wonder and dismay when she saw the misery which sin had brought upon the creatures of God.
And she entreated the Lord that He would allow her to know, to the comfort of her heart, that which would explain this mystery.
“And our blessed Lord answered me gently and tenderly in His loving grace, and showed me that the sin of Adam was the greatest evil and sorrow that had ever arisen, or could arise, to the time of the end.
“And further He showed me that I should now turn and look at the glorious atonement; for this atonement is more pleasing to the blessed God and more glorious, as being the work of man’s redemption; yea, incomparably more pleasing than the sin of Adam was sad and sorrowful.
“And He gave me to understand that it were far better to be occupied with Him and rejoice in Him, as He rejoices in us, than to seek to enter into the treasury of His secret things. For He has revealed to us that which relates to our redemption; but there are secrets that are His own, and belong to His sovereign counsels, concerning which He is silent, and it is well for us to remain in ignorance concerning them.
“The Lord pities us for our vain curiosity, and our fruitless striving to know that which is laid up amongst His hidden treasures. The saints in Heaven desire only to know that which He reveals to them; and thus I too was taught to rejoice only in our blessed Saviour Jesus, and to trust Him for all things.
“And thus to all my questionings and doubts He answered only in words of comfort, ‘It is My good pleasure to do all things well. I can do all things well. I shall do all things well. I will do all things well; and thou shalt one day see that all is well.’
“And in these five sayings God willeth that we be enclosed in eternal rest and peace. And thus shall the spiritual thirst of Christ have an end. For in regard that Christ is our Head, He is glorified and He suffereth no more; and in regard of His Body, in which all His members be knit, He is not yet full glorified, and He suffereth still. For the same thirst which He had upon the rood-tree (which desire, longing and thirst, as to my sight, was in Him from without beginning), the same hath He yet, and shall have, unto the time that the last soul that shall be saved, is come up to His bliss.
“For as truly as there is a property in God of ruth and pity, as verily there is in God a property of thirst and longing; and because of this longing in Christ there cometh to us a longing after Him. And without this longing in the heart of Christ, there would none of us enter Heaven; this longing and this thirst, which arise from the unfathomable love.
“Thus is it in Him and in us, a love-longing that lasteth, and ever shall, till we see Him at doomsday. For we that now are saved, and shall be Christ’s joy and bliss, be yet here, and some be to come, anti therefore His thirst and love-longing, and ours together with His, shall be quenched at that day when He rejoiceth in drawing us all together up to His bliss. Thus He hath now a thirst which is lasting in Him as long as we be in need, and He hath longing to have us with Himself; but His wisdom and His love suffer not the same to come till the best time.
“We know in our faith that Christ Jesus is both God and man, and in regard to the Godhead He is Himself highest bliss, and was from without beginning, and shall be without end; which very endless bliss may never be heightened or lowered in itself. And in regard of His manhood His pains, and passion, and death, which He suffered for love to bring us to His bliss, are the works wherein He rejoiceth.
“Even as He spake to my soul, saying, ‘It is a joy, a bliss, and endless delight to Me, that ever I suffered passion for thee.’ For inasmuch as He was most tender and pure, right so He was most strong and mighty to suffer. And for every man’s sin that shall be saved He suffered, and every man’s sorrow, desolation, and anguish. As long as He could suffer, He suffered for us and sorrowed for us.
“And now He is uprisien, and pain can touch Him no more, yet He suffereth with us, and the love that made Him to suffer, it passeth as far all His pains as heaven is above earth. For the pain was a noble, precious, and worshipful deed, done in time by the working of love; but love was without beginning, is, and shall be without end; for which love He said lull sweetly, ‘If I might suffer more, I would suffer more.’
“This deed and this work of our salvation was ordained as well as God might ordain it; it was done as worshipfully as Christ might do it; and herein I saw a full bliss in Christ, for His bliss should not have been full, if it might any better have been done than it was done.
“And thus hath He shown to us a fair and delectable place, large enough for all mankind that should be saved, and rest in peace and love. This our good Lord showeth us to make us glad and merry. When we all shall be there above, then in the light of God we shall clearly see the mysteries which are now hidden from our eyes. And there will not be one of as who will find occasion to say as regards any single thing, ‘Lord, had it been thus, or thus, then all would have been well;’ but we shall all say with one voice, ‘Lord, praised and blessed be Thy name, because all is as it is, for all is good.’ And then shall we see Ind know that all that has happened and that was, and that is, was ordered by Thy wisdom before the worlds were created.”