I CONTINUED studying the Old Testament, and the more I read it, the more I saw that my being a Jew would never save me, and that I must have something better than my fastings and prayers. God told me in His word that which I deeply realized, how that I was born in sin and shapen in iniquity, and I often implored Him to “wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin” (Psa. 51:22Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. (Psalm 51:2)). Neither did I ask Him in vain.
More than eight months had passed without my looking into the New Testament, but my conscience would not let me rest any longer. The glorious prospect of life eternal which had been opened before me in the gospel filled my heart with restless yearnings day and night. Jesus was the only object of my meditations, and I resolved to read His word again, and it was during this second reading that it pleased God to open my eyes to see, and my heart to receive, the Lord Jesus as my Redeemer. No pen can adequately describe the intense joy of my soul—I was quite overcome with the love of the lovely Jesus. I fell on my knees, but my heart was so full with the consciousness that all my sins were forgiven that all I could say was, “Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!”
Two months had elapsed since this happy change of being born again, and my becoming conscious of the new creation in my soul. No one can imagine how deeply I felt for my poor wife, and how earnestly I prayed for her conversion; yea, with tears I besought the Lord, if it pleased Him, to make her feel her sins, and to lead her to the Friend of sinners, the Lord Jesus Christ. I felt I must tell her of the great change which had taken place in me, and of my anxiety to make a public confession of my faith in Christ. How to do it I did not know. I knew her enmity against the Lord Jesus Christ, and especially so since her father’s death. The loving smiles she once gave me when I used to come home in the evening were now few and far between. This coolness I deeply felt. She more than once told me that she thought I hastened her father’s death by grieving him in loving that Jesus more than I did him; and that the whole family thought so was very clear from their behavior towards me whenever they met or saw me. There was certainly a change for the better in her behavior during the last week. She was more cheerful and more like herself. This I attributed to the improved health of our beloved child.
One evening when I came home, to my great joy she received me with her usual loving salutation, and I thought that this was the providential time when I could best communicate to her the desire of my heart, and I asked the Lord to help me. After the children were in bed, and we were quietly talking together, I said, “My dear, I have something to tell you which I hope will neither displease nor grieve you. You must have seen that I am not what I once was; in fact, I am a Christian, and am anxious to confess Jesus publicly.”
She looked in my face, and gave me one of her own loving smiles, and said, “How very strange! This evening I purposed opening my mind to you on the very same subject, and I will now tell you how it all has happened. After my father’s death I was, as you know, in great distress of spirit. I loved him dearly. He had been a good father to me, and the loss of him made me partly so indifferent to you. About a month ago I found the hiding-place of your New Testament, and at first I said to myself, ‘He shall never see that again, it shall go into the fire,’ and as I was about to commit it to the flames, I thought I would just see what rubbish there was in it, and the first words my eyes fell on were these: ‘Let not your heart be troubled; ye believe in God, believe algo in me.’ I could not credit my own eyes, and I looked again. ‘Yes,’ I said, they are there, those precious words. ‘I was in trouble,’ and ‘I believed in God,’ and, must I believe in Jesus too? I cannot describe what comforting thoughts these were to my wounded spirit. I read the whole chapter, and I felt so happy that, instead of putting it into the fire, I replaced it where I found it, with the determination to read it again, and this I have done every day since; and all I have discovered in it has been wisdom and love. But I had no real peace until this morning, when I read Matthew 27. I wept bitterly over what Jesus suffered for sinners, and while I was reading and weeping, I thought I heard a sweet, loving voice, saying, ‘It is all for you; I have endured all this for you.’ ‘For me, Lord,’ I said, ‘then I will believe; help Thou my unbelief.’ I then sobbed for joy, and I felt such peace in my soul which I had never experienced before,” and here my dear wife burst into tears again.
It was an affecting sight. I was not in the least prepared for this unexpected and joyful news. My cup of blessing appeared to be too full for me, and we wept together like children. I kissed my dear wife as I had never kissed her before. It was the kiss of mutual love in the gospel, and for the first time we bent our knees together to praise God for His matchless grace towards us. I could scarcely sleep for joy. I awoke early next morning with a peace in my soul to which worldlings are strangers, and went to the office with feelings that I was what I really felt myself to me, the happiest man in the world. “What more do I want?” I often repeated to myself, as I was hurrying along the busy streets of this great city. “I am a Christian; I know I am, for God’s Spirit bears witness with my spirit that I am a child of God. My dear wife has passed from death to life, being born from above, and now my only desire and prayer to God is to see our dear children loving and serving that precious Jesus whom we love, and that my little Moses may become a preacher of the gospel.”
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