Wanted, Seconds!
France still uses the duel as a means of settling disputes. Generally, to be sure, the French duel is a bloodless affair, a thoroughly polite and rather enjoyable occasion. Mark Twain's caricature of it seems justified by the reality. If one must fight a duel, that is the best way to fight it.
A few years ago a crowning absurdity was added to this out-of-date institution. Two gentlemen were to have fought with swords, to "settle" a point of honor. One of them decided (we are not told why) to absent himself from the gory field; but, in order that his antagonist might not be balked of his satisfaction, the thoughtful gentleman sent his second to take his place. The second performed his substitute part very creditably, though he so far forgot himself as to draw blood. This was not at all polite, but still the affair went off very well,—quite as well as it would if the original disputants had stood up against each other.
"Now," thought I as I read about it, "isn't that handy! Let us adopt that custom in America. Let us extend it, from dueling to about everything else.
"To speech-making. There are men that like to make speeches on all occasions, and do it well. Why shouldn't we send them, as our seconds!
"To letter-writing (except in the case of a certain few). Ladies would be good seconds here; they like to do it.
"To going to lectures (the duty kind), while we stay at home, or go to other lectures (the enjoyable kind).
"To receptions.
"To formal calls.
"To cases of discipline, wherein you are the destined discipliner.
"To the books that 'ought' to be read because 'everyone is talking about them.
"To conversations with bores.
"To—oh, an endless array of disagreeable things.
"How nice it would be to have seconds for them all!"
So I thought, and so I still think. The only trouble is that few, I am afraid, would be so obliging as the second in that peculiar French duel. This, I fear, is a serious obstacle. The scheme may have to wait for a more altruistic world.