WHEN I was fourteen years old my sister and I spent our summer holidays, with our mother and a Christian cousin, at Whitby. We girls had never been there before, and we greatly enjoyed rambling among the rocks, wandering over the country, and climbing the many steps up to the picturesque old church perched upon the cliff. Then we used to attend the Scripture Union services for children held on the beach every day. They were a great enjoyment to us. It was at one of these services that I first realized my need of a Savior, and of the forgiveness of my sins. After this, at times, I was very unhappy about my soul, but I was too shy to tell anyone of my trouble.
The end of the holidays came, and we went to say good-bye to the gentleman who had conducted the meetings. He asked me, “Are you saved?"
Now, I had been feeling particularly good that morning, and had not once spoken crossly to my sister, so that I was more self-satisfied than usual. However, it was not without some hesitation that I answered "Yes."
“Would you be afraid if you saw the Lord coming in the clouds?” he asked, so solemnly that I started, and cast a frightened glance out of the window as I stammered, "Yes—no—I don't know." He prayed with me, and then we said goodbye. A few days later, I went back to school. Now I tried in earnest to turn over a new leaf, gave up all I most liked doing, and tried to deny myself, going to church as often as I could, whether in sunshine or in rain. I read my Bible, too, daily, and never failed to say my prayers, but, in spite of all, there was unrest at my heart's core.
Several of my school companions were then going to be confirmed, and I thought this must be what I wanted, and I made up my mind that I, too, would be confirmed.
The confirmation service was very impressive, several hundreds of young people kneeling before the bishop for the imposition of his hands, and I felt much elated by my share in the ceremony.
However, building my hopes in salvation on this was only another wile of the devil to keep me from the Savior, and, to my dismay, I soon found out that I was no better, but rather worse, than before.
The year following I went abroad with my mother, and then I fell in with a merry, flighty set of girls, bent on amusing themselves, with not a serious thought among them. I tried to make myself as one of them, and to this end sought to banish from my mind everything that served to trouble me. For a time I succeeded admirably, but soon the ache at my heart returned, and I was more miserable than ever. I now thought God had forsaken me, and that perhaps I was never meant to be saved, and in despair I left off reading my Bible, and tried to feel utter indifference. Still the thought of the future judgment gave me a perfect terror of death, and every grave I passed or funeral that I saw made me tremble and turn sick, while I questioned with myself, where should I be after death, and I knew the inevitable answer was “hell."
After four years, we returned to England, and again I was to meet my Christian cousin who was with us at Whitby. We were to spend some time with her, and I longed for, yet dreaded, this visit. I knew she would be sure to enquire if it were well with my soul. For hours at night I worried as to how I could frame my answer when the question came.
It was some days after our arrival that, being alone with my cousin, the question I had feared was suddenly put to me. It came so unexpectedly that I could remember none of the answers I had prepared, and in spite of myself could not appear indifferent.
I longed to say, “I do not know the way or how to come to Jesus," but the words stuck in my throat, and I tried to laugh as I answered I did not know whether I was saved or not.
My cousin would not be put off. She saw I was thoroughly uneasy, and went on simply and earnestly to tell me that it was quite plain that I never had come to Jesus; He would have been true to His word, and would have given me rest and peace. She begged me to tell Him at once I was a poor, feeble, sinful girl, and to take my place among the sinners for whom He died, and claim that precious blood that cleanses from all sin.
As she spoke, it gradually sank into my dull mind that the Lord Jesus did all the work upon the cross long ago, and there was now nothing left for me to do, That night as I sat alone in my room I read again and again the little card my cousin had given me. There were two verses on it—" Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved, "and" Him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out." Then I took up my Bible, and, opening it, my eyes fell on these words, “It is impossible for God to lie." I closed the book, for surely this was enough; I cast myself upon my knees, and there and then took Jesus the Savior to be my Savior, and found joy and peace in believing, for He did not cast me out.
Since then I have never doubted that I am His. He says none shall pluck His sheep out of His hand. (John 10:2828And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. (John 10:28).) He has made my heart glad, and my great desire now is to live to His glory, to be found meet for His service, and by and by, when I see Him in glory, to get His “Well done! " E. M. W.