The Secret of a Happy Marriage
“Two are better than one ... and a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Eccl. 4:9,129Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. (Ecclesiastes 4:9)
12And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:12)). Here we find the secret of a happy marriage. God is the One who provided a companion, a wife, for Adam, not to be above or below him, but from his side, near to his heart — one who could share his thoughts and whom he could love and honor. Then, when husband and wife let God order their lives, they will have the threefold cord.
God did not intend that men and women should be in competition. He intended that they should help one another, each in a God-given place. He placed the man in a position of helpful leadership to care for his wife, his loving helpmeet. A man who has a happy and useful life will gladly acknowledge that much of the credit is due to his helpful wife.
What is spoiling the world today is the idea of competition. Many women are out to show what they can do in the sphere that God planned for the men to occupy. Now we can be sure that God would not make a helpmeet for Adam who was inferior to him, but if she were going to compete with him in the headship assigned to him, then she would not be a helpmeet for him.
In our present society, where God’s plan has been given up to a large extent, everything is being spoiled. Often a woman, because she is intellectually equal to a man, can fill a man’s place, though not fitted by God for leadership (Isa. 3:1212As for my people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O my people, they which lead thee cause thee to err, and destroy the way of thy paths. (Isaiah 3:12)). The home then does not function as it should, because the man cannot fill the place of a woman and mother in the home. We readily acknowledge that a woman is as clever as a man (more clever in her God-given sphere) because God wanted a qualified and loving person in the home. And He has provided women who are able to adorn that place with prudence and dignity — a wonderful place, a God-given place, and so important.
Heavenly Wisdom
Of course, we do not expect the world to be run on Christian principles. But we do trust that we who are Christians will follow the light of God’s Word, because in it He has given us “all things that pertain unto life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3). If we follow God’s Word, we will find the happy path (Prov. 3:1717Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. (Proverbs 3:17)). He has a plan so that husband and wife should be “heirs together of the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7), even in a world that has been spoiled by sin.
Selfishness
I believe the greatest trouble in marriage today is selfishness. If in marriage I am only thinking of what I can get for myself, I will be disappointed, because things may not always work out as I had hoped they would. But I can try to make my partner happy, and in making my partner happy we are going to have happiness together. Am I giving? That is what brings happiness. The Lord Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:3535I have showed you all things, how that so laboring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive. (Acts 20:35)). If I could just think of this, “Can I do something to make my partner happy? Can we walk together giving the Lord His rightful place?” This is God’s plan — and it works!
Understanding, Love and Honor
A happy marriage is founded on three very important and practical things. The three things I have in mind are: understanding, love and giving honor to your partner. These things are basic. We need to understand one another; there needs to be a deep love for one another, and there needs to be a respect and honor to and for one another. Throughout marriage these things have to be worked at. They do not continue without effort. They need to be maintained.
Understanding
One of the things people crave most is understanding. They say, “I don’t know anyone to whom I can talk who really understands my inmost feelings, who understands my situation in life, my physical and emotional makeup. If I could only find someone to whom I could talk who would understand.” The Lord understands us perfectly.
And so in marriage, to understand one another is so very important. We need to have a free flow of communication so that this understanding of one another is maintained. We need to understand one another’s feelings, emotions and physical limitations, so that we can consider them. The Lord does this most perfectly with us, even in the smallest details of our lives, as we learn from Psalm 139 — and He is our Pattern.
You know the feeling that comes when you can sit down and talk to someone and have the assurance that they understand and that they care. This should always be so between husband and wife. It is not always easy, but we need to cultivate it. It is in perfection with the Lord, and that is why we are so happy in His presence, for, knowing all about us, He loves us with an unchanging love. May we cultivate more of this understanding and love in marriage!
Loving Our Partner
Now I would like to turn to some verses about the divine example of unchanging love! “The Lord appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving-kindness have I drawn thee” (Jer. 31:33The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. (Jeremiah 31:3)). “Having loved His own which were in the world, He loved them unto the end” (John 13:11Now before the feast of the passover, when Jesus knew that his hour was come that he should depart out of this world unto the Father, having loved his own which were in the world, he loved them unto the end. (John 13:1)). “Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it” (Eph. 5:2525Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; (Ephesians 5:25)).
The verse in Jeremiah was spoken when Israel had sinned so grievously that God had to raise up Jeremiah to tell them that they were going to be carried into captivity because of their rebellion and sin. It was not spoken when they were going on well, although, I am sure it was true then; yet the Lord assures them of His eternal love in a time of failure. What an example for us to maintain first love at all times in marriage!
The verse in John 13 was at a sad time with the disciples too, for it was on that very night when they all forsook Him and fled. He knew they would do this, but it did not change His love.
Lastly, in Ephesians 5, we read of His love for His church — and He well knew how feeble would be our response to His boundless love. So in marriage, love often needs to be expressed, and at times when it is least deserved. That is what true love will do. It does not change by situations that arise, because true love “endureth all things” (1 Cor. 13:7). As the head, it is first the husband’s responsibility to maintain love in the marriage, just as the Lord does with us. It is not only on the wedding day that we say we love one another, or in the first year of marriage — it is something that needs to be said over and over again all through married life. We need those constant reassurances of love.
Honoring Our Partner
Now we come to the third thing — honor to our partner. In the divine example it is a marvelous thing that we read in Ephesians 1:22-2322And hath put all things under his feet, and gave him to be the head over all things to the church, 23Which is his body, the fulness of him that filleth all in all. (Ephesians 1:22‑23) that the church is “the fullness of Him that filleth all in all.” And again, in 2 Thessalonians 1:10 we read that “He will be glorified in His saints, and admired in all them that believe.” What a place of honor the church will occupy in association with Christ, the Bridegroom, in that day. Did we deserve it? No! It is all of grace. Surely, we ought to be rejoicing and giving honor to Him in return for all He has done for us, and for all that He means to us day by day. In all eternity we will be giving glory and honor to the Lord Jesus, the heavenly Bridegroom.
Practical Application
for Husbands and Wives
Now this has a practical application in marriage. The Bible says that the wife is to reverence her husband (Eph. 5:3333Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. (Ephesians 5:33)), for God has said that the husband is the head, as Christ is the Head of the spiritual body, the church (Eph. 5:2323For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. (Ephesians 5:23)). Of course, it is important that we who are husbands should act in such a way as to win the respect of our wives. There are those thoughtful gestures that mean so much and help our wives to respect us. The wife should respect her husband because the Bible tells her to do so, but our thoughtful consideration of her needs and feelings will make it easier for her to do so.
The church, as we know, is the bride of Christ. Though in a somewhat different connection, it is instructive to read in Romans 12:1010Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another; (Romans 12:10) (JND): “As to honor, each taking the lead in paying it to the other.” While there are, no doubt, ways and means that we can win and keep the respect of our partners, making it easier for them, we must remember that we are not perfect, or always right; nevertheless, we should be careful not to speak disrespectfully to or about our partner — husband or wife.
The Divine Lubricants
Let us remember that we need one another, and as we carefully and prayerfully seek to watch these three things — understanding, love and respect (honor) — we will find that they are the divine lubricants for marriage. However, since we are all human, with fallen natures, we should never allow a breakdown on these important points to spoil our marriage. When we fail, as we all do, it is good to learn to say, “I am sorry.” And the sooner we acknowledge it, the better!
Enjoying Divine
Privileges Together
Since we have spoken of the threefold cord, I would like to emphasize the importance of reading the Word and of prayer together, and then, too, of working together in the service of the Lord, each in his or her proper place. The public part is given to the man, but this is not necessarily the most important part. Also, by maintaining the practical side of married life in the proper way, our spirits are free in prayer, worship and service to the Lord. This we learn from 1 Peter 3:7: “That your prayers be not hindered.”
In Closing
In closing, I would just like to encourage both husband and wife to seek grace to follow the divine pattern. Talk things over. Share things together. And when there begins to be a strain, try to understand. I would say to you who are husbands: You are the one whom God holds most responsible to maintain love in the marriage. As Christians, it is His love that comes first; our love is a responsive love. So the wife’s love is looked upon in Scripture as a responsive love — responsive to the love that her husband shows to her. Then, also, let us not forget to show honor one to another.
I am sure that if we follow the divine plan, we will find happiness. Work will be easier, and our position in the assembly will be easier, for God’s plan really works, and He will give you the grace and strength needed to walk in His ways.
G. H. Hayhoe, adapted