Now, let’s turn to Psalm 25, and verse 12, “What man is he that feareth the LORD? Him shall He teach in the way that He shall choose.” And then in Proverbs 18:2222Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. (Proverbs 18:22), “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.” We all know that the man should initiate the relationship, and that’s implied here. The idea of finding indicates that there has been a search or a pursuit. But notice, it is written from the masculine perspective. It says, “Whoso findeth a wife ... ” We don’t have a verse that says, “Whoso findeth a husband ... ” and you know the reason why; the woman is not to be the pursuer. The man is to initiate the relationship. Girls that are pursuers manifest certain things that the young men need to be aware of, of which we’ll talk about later.
To find a wife is to be the exercise of the young men who want to be married. But notice also, it doesn’t say “Whoso chooseth a wife ... ” It says, “Whoso findeth a wife ... ” Now, I know what is meant when we hear people say, “So and so has chosen a real nice girl.” But in Scripture we do not find that the man is to do the choosing. There is a difference between choosing and finding. The verse we read in Psalm 25 tells us that the Lord is the One Who does the choosing; the young man is to do the finding. A man goes out and finds the one that the Lord has chosen for him. I don’t mean that he is to go running around haphazardly from girl to girl until he finds the right one, but simply that he is to find the one that the Lord has for him.
There are two sides to it; there is God’s sovereignty, and there is man’s responsibility. On the sovereign side, the Lord does the choosing for you; on the responsible side, you do the finding. Who better than the Lord could choose a wife for you, dear brother? The Lord knows you better than anyone, including yourself, and He will choose exactly what you need in a girl. So, the Lord does the choosing, and you do the finding. That’s the Scriptural way.
The occasions where you find men choosing in the Bible, to my knowledge, are always in a bad sense. For instance, in Genesis 6 it says, “The sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.” But it was nothing but wickedness. Then you also have Samson choosing a wife; and that too did not have the Lord’s blessing. This means that you want to pray like the Psalmist, “Do Thou for me, O God” (Psa. 109:2121But do thou for me, O God the Lord, for thy name's sake: because thy mercy is good, deliver thou me. (Psalm 109:21)).
If God has it in His purposes for you to get married, He has chosen one for you. This gives us great peace when we know that He is in complete control of the situation. It means that you don’t have to panic, thinking that somebody else is going to marry that girl before you. You don’t need to get all upset if you think that someone else is paying attention to the one you have been praying about. If she’s the one the Lord has chosen for you, something will happen whereby that other person will get out of the way. Knowing that the Lord has done the choosing, you can have confidence that He is going to take care of it.
There’s a little picture of this in Judges 20-21. The judgment of God had fallen on the tribe of Benjamin for its sin, and it was greatly reduced—down to 600 men! If that tribe was to continue in Israel, it needed reviving—and it needed it fast. The only way it could be replenished was by those men getting wives and starting households that would rebuild that tribe. The problem was that the judgment had been so thorough that there were no more Benjamite girls left! Furthermore, in the previous chapter the children of Israel had sworn that they would not give their daughters to these men to wife. They said, “Howbeit we may not give them wives of our daughters: for the children of Israel have sworn, saying, Cursed be he that giveth a wife to Benjamin” (Judg. 21:1818Howbeit we may not give them wives of our daughters: for the children of Israel have sworn, saying, Cursed be he that giveth a wife to Benjamin. (Judges 21:18)). The elders of Israel conferred together on the problem and suggested that they could get around the vow on a technicality. The men should go to the feast at Shiloh and hide in the vineyards; and when “the daughters of Shiloh” came out to “dance in dances,” they should “catch” every man his wife and take her back to the land of Benjamin. Then the children of Israel could say that they didn’t give the men of Benjamin wives of their daughters—they took them! And it says, “And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught” (Judg. 21:2323And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught: and they went and returned unto their inheritance, and repaired the cities, and dwelt in them. (Judges 21:23)). Notice, the elders did not suggest that they go to the Moabites or Philistines to get wives. Nor should we think about going to the world to get a wife. Scripture says, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Cor. 6:1414Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)).
All this is instructive for us. As gathered to the Lord’s name, we, like the tribe of Benjamin, are weak and few in number on account of our own failure. We have had the hand of God upon us in governmental judgment. As a result, we have been reduced in number over and over again. In mercy, He has left some gatherings here and there scattered across the country and around the world. Our present exercise should be to “strengthen the things which remain” (Rev. 3:22Be watchful, and strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die: for I have not found thy works perfect before God. (Revelation 3:2)). The assemblies desperately need to be replenished so that what is left will continue. And that can be done by the young men being exercised about having a household like Stephanas that would support the testimony of the Lord. To do this, of course, requires getting married and having a family.
When the children of Israel found the men of Benjamin, they were on “the rock Rimmon” not knowing what to do (Judg. 20:45-4845And they turned and fled toward the wilderness unto the rock of Rimmon: and they gleaned of them in the highways five thousand men; and pursued hard after them unto Gidom, and slew two thousand men of them. 46So that all which fell that day of Benjamin were twenty and five thousand men that drew the sword; all these were men of valor. 47But six hundred men turned and fled to the wilderness unto the rock Rimmon, and abode in the rock Rimmon four months. 48And the men of Israel turned again upon the children of Benjamin, and smote them with the edge of the sword, as well the men of every city, as the beast, and all that came to hand: also they set on fire all the cities that they came to. (Judges 20:45‑48)). Those men answer to those today that take up this subject from the side of the sovereignty of God only; and consequently, they waited for God to do something. Similarly, there are men today who want to get married, but just sit, thinking that God will drop a girl out of heaven into their lap. They may call it waiting on God, but there is little or no exercise on their part. I am not belittling waiting on God, but if you take up things only from that side of things you’re going to end up like these 600 men who didn’t have a wife. Dear brother, there are two sides to this; there is God’s sovereignty in providing a wife, but there is also the aspect of our responsibility to “find” a wife. Dear young brothers, if you are to get married you need to be exercised about it and do the seeking.
The children of Israel sent for the men of Benjamin and called them to come down off “the rock Rimmon,” and do something about their situation. If you’ve been waiting for God to bring you a wife, you need to get off “the rock Rimmon,” so-to-speak! They were told to go to the yearly feast at Shiloh. This is typical of those occasions when God’s people gather together to feast on the Word and strengthen one another through happy fellowship—i.e., at a Bible conference, or a get-together like this at Lassen, that happens on a yearly basis. These are the places where you want to go to find a wife.
The lying in-wait at “the vineyards” would speak of staying under cover on such occasions until you spot the one that you believe the Lord has for you. You need to hide out there until the right time. Notice, they told them to take the girls that danced. This speaks of joy in the Lord. The kind of girl that you want is one who is evidently going on happily in the Lord. I remember a young brother hearing this, say, “OK, so we’re in the bushes ... ” The next day he came to me and said, “Brother, there’s a girl dancing in the bushes!” I said, “Oh dear, she’s getting a little aggressive!” Be careful with those who are a little aggressive; they might be that way in marriage, too.
When these men reached their objective and caught themselves a wife. it says, “They went and returned unto their inheritance, and repaired the cities, and dwelt in them” (Judg. 21:2323And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught: and they went and returned unto their inheritance, and repaired the cities, and dwelt in them. (Judges 21:23)). This is a picture of the exercise of building up and supporting the testimony of the Lord in the community from which we come, through having a household, wherein we serve the Lord.
Now, let’s turn to Psalm 19:55Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. (Psalm 19:5), “Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race.” Isn’t this interesting. Here’s a man on his way to be “a bridegroom.” When you take up with a girl, that should be your objective—to be a bridegroom. There is no such thing in Scripture of taking up with someone just to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. No! the only reason you should show an interest in a girl is when you believe the Lord is leading you to the ultimate end of marriage. I’m not suggesting that the first time you talk to a girl that you mention marriage, but that you are beginning a journey toward that end. Casual boyfriend and girlfriend relationships are not found in Scripture. Many boys want to carry on that way, but it’s a sign that they don’t have confidence in God to declare their interest definitely; and, girls, it’s a spiritual weakness that you should take note of.
Note: this bridegroom-to-be starts in “his chamber.” This speaks of being before the Lord in prayer (Matt. 6:66But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly. (Matthew 6:6)). It shows that you don’t want to take this matter lightly. You must begin here. This is a big decision that will affect your whole life. Be much before the Lord about it. It has often been said that a wife can make or break a man.
As someone said earlier today, behind every good man is often a godly mother—and I would add, a good wife, too! Marriage is a serious thing. You don’t want to be like a brother (whom I will not name) who said, “They call us together for a conference of three days of prayer and humiliation, and ministry from the Word.” He said, “I’ll tell you what prayer and humiliation is; it’s when you go to a conference, and you pray about asking a girl out, but when you approach her, she turns you down! You do that for three days, and you’ve had quite a conference of prayer and humiliation!” I doubt if he was serious, but that’s not the way you want to take up this important matter in your life. You don’t want to just spot a girl, and flippantly ask her out, without prayer and counsel.
It also says, “As a strong man to run a race.” This man was on a mission. There are young men who may have an interest in a girl, but they can’t get the courage up to approach her. I don’t have much respect for those young men that won’t declare their cause. This man here was “a strong man” who didn’t pussyfoot around. You know, if you started in your closet in prayer (your “chamber”), and you come forth believing that the Lord has directed you to a particular girl, you would have the conviction to ask her out to a sing, or out for dinner, and get the ball rolling. And dear brother, the girl will respect you for it, too.
Furthermore, the fact that he was running implies that a courtship that leads to marriage isn’t a long-protracted thing. With the exception of Jacob (Gen. 29:18-2018And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter. 19And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me. 20And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her. (Genesis 29:18‑20)) who was living in the far country in his soul, so-to-speak, you’ll find that in the Bible, courtship and engagement are usually a short period. The Scriptures don’t support the idea of long engagements—perhaps if the girl is very young you might wait, but otherwise, it is a short period. Even in the picture of Christ and the Church, it is said to be a little while. Hebrews 10:3737For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry. (Hebrews 10:37) says, “Yet a little while, and He that shall come will come, and will not tarry.” In J. N. Darby’s translation it says, “a very little while ... ” It may not seem like that, in fact it’s been almost 2000 years, but it is “a little while.” One reason that the Bible encourages short engagements is what we had in 1st Corinthians 7:1-2; the more we get familiar with one another, the greater the danger of sinning in that situation. We are never wiser than the Word of God; and it says, “He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool” (Prov. 28:2626He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered. (Proverbs 28:26)).