Let’s turn to Genesis 24 to look at four things a brother should look for in a potential wife. This chapter, as you know, that is about Isaac getting a wife. We find that Abraham was exercised about his son having a wife, and naturally, he wanted the very best for him. What father wouldn’t? There are certain helpful principles found here that can guide a brother seeking a wife.
There was a servant that Abraham had who went out and secured this girl for Isaac. He is a type of the Spirit of God; and young people, I hope that you’ll let the Spirit of God find the right one for you. He makes no mistakes. This man takes the lead in this whole exercise; it’s a picture of the Spirit of God leading a young man to find the one that God has chosen for him.
1) “Go Unto My Country”—Compatibility
Read first of all, verses 3-4, “I will make thee swear by the LORD, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell: but thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac.” He mentions “my country” and “my kindred,” and that speaks of compatibility. That’s the first thing you want to consider. Abraham wanted him to take a wife from the same family from which he came. Similarly, you want to marry someone that comes from the same family that you are from—the family of God. But more than that, you want to marry someone that is not only a child of God—but one who is compatible to you.
As much as possible, you want to seek compatibility in a marriage relationship; firstly in culture, because cross-culture marriages can be difficult. There could be more of that “trouble in the flesh” that we spoke about. Or in age: Mr. Hayhoe told us to try to marry someone roughly our own age. Or in religious background: a person that comes from a man-made religious system in Christendom may have some baggage. It’s been said that you can get your wife from “the camp,” but you may not always be able to get “the camp” out of your wife! Or, it might be in the physical department. You want to be matched in that way too—i.e., tall, or short. And even socially: it could be a difficult marriage where a poor man marries a girl from a rich family—she’s used to having a lot, which he will not be able to provide. Such things can put stress on a marriage—and that means that you want to seek compatibility in these areas as much as possible.
It’s very important that you find someone—a “soul mate” if you want to call it that—a companion, among those who have “like precious faith” as you do (2 Peter 1:11Simon Peter, a servant and an apostle of Jesus Christ, to them that have obtained like precious faith with us through the righteousness of God and our Saviour Jesus Christ: (2 Peter 1:1)). It always bothers me when I see someone going out and looking for a wife or husband in other Christian fellowships—or maybe even in the world, because I know that it’s going to be difficult in the area of compatibility.
Be careful that you look, so-to-speak, within your own tribe. That’s an expression taken from Numbers 36, where the children of Israel were told to marry within their own tribe. Applying that to ourselves typically, as Christians, it would be to marry within our own fellowship—in other words, among those gathered to the Lord’s Name.
In that chapter, it’s interesting to see that when it came to inheriting the land, the five “daughters of Zelophehad” each received a portion, which was quite unusual. Normally, the inheritance in Israel was divided among the boys in the family, and the girls were expected to marry a man who would have his own portion from his father. But since these girls didn’t have any brothers, the inheritance of their father came to them. That meant that the boys who married them got a double portion—they would have their portion from their father, and these girls would also have a portion. I would say that it made them very marriageable girls—even though one of them was named “Hoglah!” I’m not sure what she looked like, but the boy that married her got a double portion. You can read about it in Joshua 17:5-65And there fell ten portions to Manasseh, beside the land of Gilead and Bashan, which were on the other side Jordan; 6Because the daughters of Manasseh had an inheritance among his sons: and the rest of Manasseh's sons had the land of Gilead. (Joshua 17:5‑6). There were “ten portions” that fell to Manasseh because of the daughters of Zelophehad.
Speaking to the young brothers now; if you take up with girls that are from the meeting, who are spiritual and are seeking to go on with the Lord, you are going to get a double portion. They are going to bring into the marriage something that they have learned from their experience in walking with the Lord, and that’s going to be valuable. Don’t miss out on that. If you have taken some of the inheritance yourself, and the girl you marry has a portion too, what a wonderful marriage that will be! Look to the Lord—He’ll guide you in this important decision.
2) “A Well of Water”—Interest in the Word of God
Secondly, it says in verses 10-11, “And the servant took ten camels of the camels of his master, and departed; for all the goods of his master were in his hand: and he arose, and went to Mesopotamia, unto the city of Nahor. And he made his camels to kneel down without the city by a well of water at the time of the evening, even the time that women go out to draw water.” What we see here is that the man was looking for a girl that would come out to the “well” to “draw water.” A “well,” in Scripture, is typical of a gathering place of the saints. They come there to draw refreshment for their souls from the water of the Word (Eph. 5:2626That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, (Ephesians 5:26)). What this teaches us then is that we should be looking for a girl that comes out to the meetings with an interest in the Word of God. Bible conferences and occasions like this at Lassen Pines are examples of saints gathering at a “well” to draw water. These are good places to look for a suitable helpmate. Note too that this girl came to the well with a pitcher; it shows that she was intending to take something away with her. All this adds up to a girl that has a serious interest in divine things.
3) “The Servant Ran to Meet Her”—Submissive
Thirdly, in verses 17-18, “And the servant ran to meet her, and said, Let me, I pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher. And she said, Drink, my lord: and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her hand, and gave him drink.” Note here, it was the man that initiated things. She didn’t run to him. It was he that ran to her. Note also, she called him “lord.” Furthermore, she didn’t run ahead of things and straightway invite him home to her father’s house; she let her brother do it (vs. 31). These things indicate that Rebekah was a girl that knew her God-given place. She had a submissive, leadable spirit, and that’s another thing that you should be looking for in a girl.
Now, I’m not suggesting that a girl should call an interested young man, “lord,” but that she should give him that place of lord, or leader, in the relationship. It’s true that the model in the New Testament for a Christian woman is Sarah, who called Abraham “lord” (1 Peter 3:66Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. (1 Peter 3:6)), but it was in her heart that she did that; it was not to him audibly. It indicates the respect she had for him. The question you need to ask is, “Is she leadable?” How are you going to lead a girl that is not submissive? Proverbs 7 speaks of a woman that is “unmanageable” (J. N. Darby Trans.). An old brother once said, “You can marry your discipline!” I don’t know whether he was speaking from experience or not, but it’s certainly true. We’ve seen some sorrowful marriages, so you want to be careful here. The world teaches a woman to be quite the opposite of this, but worldliness in a woman is not something desirable.
4) “I Will Draw Water for Thy Camels”—Industrious
Now, for the fourth thing to look for, as seen in Rebekah, read verses 19-21, “And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water for thy camels also, until they have done drinking. And she hasted, and emptied her pitcher into the trough, and ran again unto the well to draw water, and drew for all his camels. And the man wondering at her held his peace, to wit whether the LORD had made his journey prosperous or not.” The point here, is that the girl was willing to draw water for all ten of the man’s camels! I read somewhere that camels can drink something like 250 lbs. of water in 10-15 minutes! We see from this that Rebekah was industrious, and that’s another thing you want to look for. She was no lazy girl. She was not a “princess” that wanted everything to be done for her. There are girls marked by wanting to be ministered unto all the time, but what you’re looking for is a girl who is willing to work—one that knows what it is to put her shoulder to the burden.
Titus 2:55To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. (Titus 2:5) says that the younger women should be, “diligent in home work” (J. N. Darby Trans.). This will be especially needed in your service for the Lord in supporting the testimony in your local assembly as a husband and wife. To have a family, and to have your house open, and people in, requires work. But if it furthers the testimony of the Lord and encourages the saints, it’s a good work.
To summarize these things you are to look for:
• Compatible.
• Interested in divine things.
• Submissive.
• Industrious.
Note: he was not trying to find the prettiest girl, or the most knowledgeable girl. No, it was these four things that he sought, and they are what you should seek too. “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:33Can two walk together, except they be agreed? (Amos 3:3))